Friday, June 18, 2021

Michael Barone: This Juneteenth, Remember Americans Who Put Slavery on Path to Extinction

 This week, the Senate unanimously passed a bill declaring Juneteenth a national holiday, commemorating June 19, 1865, when a Union general informed the last enslaved people in Texas that, thanks to the 13th Amendment, they were free. This was the denouement of a long process, begun more than four score years before and cruelly delayed for many decades.

    There was virtually no articulate opposition to slavery, except among Quakers, in the North American colonies that rebelled against British rule in the 1770s. But there was an obvious tension between slavery and American assertions of individual rights, encapsulated in Thomas Jefferson's phrase "all men are created equal." Revolutionaries were uncomfortably aware of the great English writer and lexicographer Samuel Johnson's remark, "How is it that we hear the loudest yelps for liberty among the drivers of negroes?" 

    Americans in northern states responded. In 1781 and 1783, Massachusetts trial and appeals courts ruled that slavery violated the commonwealth's 1780 constitution, and later in the decade, New Hampshire courts agreed. These resembled Lord Chief Justice William Mansfield's 1772 decision in Somerset's case that slavery did not exist in England. 

    In 1780, the Pennsylvania legislature, declaring slavery "disgraceful to any people, and more especially to those who have been contending in the great cause of liberty themselves," passed a law gradually freeing slaves, similar to one passed by the independent republic of Vermont in 1777. 

    Similar laws, granting freedom to slaves aged 25 born after the law's enactment, were passed in Rhode Island and Connecticut in 1784; in New York at the behest of Gov. John Jay in 1799; and in New Jersey in 1804. 

    In July 1787, the Continental Congress, meeting in New York even as the Constitutional Convention was meeting in Philadelphia, passed the Northwest Ordinance outlawing slavery in the Northwest Territory -- the future states of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan and Wisconsin.

    The historian Alan Taylor, in his books "American Revolutions" and "American Republics," takes pains to remind readers that emancipation was gradual, motivated "more from a distaste for slavery than from empathy for the enslaved" and sometimes ineffective in practice.

    True enough, but as Gordon Wood argued in a mostly favorable review in the Wall Street Journal, this understates "the momentous blow that the American Revolution inflicted on the system of slavery in the New World" and the fact that "the United States became the first nation in the world to begin actively suppressing the despicable international slave trade."

    Similarly, legal historian Robert Cottrol concluded in "The Long, Lingering Shadow," his survey of slavery and race in the Americas, that "If the progress of northern abolition was gradual and at times halting, it was nonetheless the first large-scale emancipation in the Western Hemisphere, a testament to the power of the ideals generated by the American Revolution."

    It is easy to judge these early antislavery measures as insufficient by 21st-century standards. But they can be defended as the best that practical politicians could do to put the "peculiar institution" on the "path to extinction." 

    Tragically, the trend did not extend far southward. Virginia in 1782, Delaware in 1787 and Maryland in 1790 passed manumission laws, regularizing granting freedom to slaves, as George Washington did in his will in 1799. By 1860, 92% of Black people in Delaware and 40% in Maryland were free. 

    But Virginia repealed its manumission law in 1806, and in the 1820s, rejected attempts to abolish slavery. By then, it was breeding slaves for sale in the cotton fields of the Deep South. The invention of the cotton gin had made cotton a hugely lucrative crop, the feedstock for England's enormous textile mills, a central focus of international trade. 

    But if Virginia and the Deep South became staunch defenders of slavery, the Northwest Territory's ban on slavery made it fertile ground for opposition to the extension and perpetuation of slavery. 

    Efforts to permit slavery in Ohio were defeated by legislator Ephraim Cutler, whose father played a key role in inserting the ban in the Northwest Ordinance, as David McCullough explains in his latest book, "The Pioneers."

    In Illinois, a key role was played by Edward Coles, a young private secretary to President James Madison, who brought his inherited slaves to the prairies, bought them farmland and freed them. As governor of Illinois in the 1820s, Coles defeated the legislature's attempt to legalize slavery, a story told dramatically in Suzanne Cooper Glasco's "Confronting Slavery" and in Kurt Leichtle and Bruce Carveth's "Crusade Against Slavery." 

    Edward Coles lived to witness the 13th Amendment and the original Juneteenth. This Juneteenth is a good time to remember him and the many others who strived to put American slavery on the path to extinction and, thankfully, finally succeeded. 

    Michael Barone is a senior political analyst for the Washington Examiner, resident fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and longtime co-author of The Almanac of American Politics.



Anonymous said...

The BLM folks need to remember how many white folks died helping black people gain freedom.

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding very insensitive, I have three words for you, "Get Over It!"

Barely 75 years ago there was an extremely well-done attempt to exterminate an entire ethnicity/religion, i.e., Jews, by Germans. 100 years ago the Turks essentially did exterminate the Armenians. 1952 was the pogrom in Alexandria, after 2500 years, by everybody's favorite pan-Arab, Gamal Abdul Nasser. Everybody in Russia was fair-game for slavery until the 1860s. Yet this country is filled with Jews, Armenians, Russians, and other formerly enslaved or persecuted minorities that have done and continue to do just fine, given the opportunity for free public education and a free market system.

I'm sick to death of special treatment for folks based upon some historical artifact.

We have Black History Month and Gay Pride Month. Why not a month for the poor devils who do not think they are special and entitled to freebies. We can call it Working Stiff Month. Or, Upwardly Mobile Aspiration Month.

Alternatively, we need still another three day weekend, I propose the Prophet's Birthday (peace be upon him) or Gay Bath House/AIDS Memorial Day.

Any excuse for the federal government to do nothing.

Anonymous said...

I have no issues with the designation as a holiday and am all for it if it gives others a proper chance to celebrate. But, what is it really accomplishing? A paid day off? I mean, no one has ever prohibited anyone from celebrating Juneteenth (we are all free to celebrate when and as we wish with family and friends), so is the satisfaction really as simple as 8-hours of paid validation?

True enough, but as Gordon Wood argued in a mostly favorable review in the Wall Street Journal, this understates "the momentous blow that the American Revolution inflicted on the system of slavery in the New World" and the fact that "the United States became the first nation in the world to begin actively suppressing the despicable international slave trade."

This statement says so much and defeats any narrative that ALL early Americans shaping this country were racists and vile.

Bogeyman said...

Maybe it's my white privilege, but I always thought that our country redeemed itself from our original sin of slavery by suffering a civil war with 750,000 dead. Apparently I've been wrong since American race relations appears to be as bad as ever

Anonymous said...

The troll farm and active trollers can’t even wait a single day to do what?

Ignore this occasion and dilute its import by saying what?

Whatabout….whatabout….whatabout the people who were against slavery?

What the hell does that have to do with any of this??????

This is a celebration of a day when millions of enslaved people found out they were free…..and the troll farm owner could not even just say “golf clap.” No, she had to whatabout it.

What a blasphemous place this hole is

Anonymous said...

We talk about this way too much.

Anonymous said...

The 13th Amendment has nothing to do with Juneteenth. The 13th Amendment was not adopted until December 6, 1865 when Georgia became the 27th state to ratify it.

What the Union General told the slaves was the Emancipation Proclamation outlawed slavery in the Confederate territories that they were free. Slavery continued to be legal in the Union states and was practiced in Delaware and Kentucky after the Civil War ended.

Anonymous said...

How dare anyone mention emancipation without valorizing as many white people as possible.

The new federal holiday isn't over yet, and already there's a race to cheapen it. Victimhood uber alles.

Kingfish said...

Well troll, I run his columns ever week. This just happened to be his topic today. Take it up with him.

Anonymous said...

@3:18p- Your ignorance of facts will continue be your downfall, not the racism as you claim.

Juneteenth freed 250,000 Texans (who were technically already freed by Lincoln) not millions.

I’m no “troll farmer.” My family was dirt poor. Stop victimizing yourself by classifying all whites as plantation owners. You look and sound ridiculous.

What I am is a common sense, no nonsense thinker that wants to live in the present and future... not the past.

If you’re the same fellow from the other threads, you never did respond with HOW your life has been oppressed and WHAT prevented you from succeeding in today’s America.

Anonymous said...

No it was the British Navy that enforced the ban on the Transatlantic Slave trade. Georgia and South Carolina reopened their ports actively participating. There was still the matter of seasoning done in the Caribbean which exported slaves to the U. S.
The irony is that emancipation had little to do with slaves, yet more so the how slave owners felt morally about themselves. The same can be said for the new official holiday having little to do with descendants of slavery.

If Texas never entered the Union...

Anonymous said...

This is 4:19p- My comment is for 3:19p, not 3:18p. Sorry for the confusion!!

Anonymous said...

Why not call it “emancipation day” or something instead of a mispronunciation of a date?

Anonymous said...

2:52 is my hero and a statesman. Isn't anyone else sick of the grievance mongers?

Anonymous said...

If this replaces Confederate Memorial Day at least it will not add anotherState paid holiday Most cities and counties could have cancelled Confederate Memorial Day but they liked a day off with pay! They were not complaining then!

Anonymous said...

Just remember what Biden has said in the past. I was told once a tiger cannot change its stripes. Keep on following this fool and you'll find out later how much freedom you lost.

Anonymous said...

Emancipation day is celebrated on April 16 in the District ol Columbia. That’s why tax filing day gets messed up occasionally. Guess Federal government employees get 2 days vacation now…?

Anonymous said...

Good history lesson. Thanks for sharing KF.

Anonymous said...

9:08 Biden is leading this country to greatness, you folks just hate it because he is taking the middle class along with him. Get over it folks he won and he is leading. The US is respected again and Putin has been put in his place. You will not see any major cyber attacks coming from Russia anytime soon. In due course he will address the screw ups in China and North Korea.

Facts Mean Nothing To This Crowd said...

Lincoln freed nobody. Stop falling for that bullshit. He was six feet deep in a pine box when slavery was abolished nationwide by congress. His proclamation had zero meaning other than as a slick war measure attempted to get slaves to run. Lincoln had no authority in the Confederacy, a new nation with its own law. Stop falling for all this bullshit. This also applies to YOU, Kingfish, protest as you will by getting your hackles up and calling me names.

And, of course the democrats have added another federal holiday simply in order to continue division of the races. At least now, when folks ask, "What the hell has Biden done for America?" you people can answer.... "He gave us another holiday with pay".

Thomas Gentry said...

Would not referring to the "slaves" as "indentured servants of color" be more proper? The only difference being one group signed on the bottom line the terms of labor to be performed for voyage to America and the other group got free voyage with no guarantees.
How can anyone argue with the truths that the War was all about "saving the Union" when Linoln at the Hampton Roads Peace Conference dictated to VP Stevens that the bloodshed would continue unless the Confederate States rejoine the Union and keep their slaves?

George Carlin said...

Hahahahahaha, I thought I could tell a joke, but I have nothing on 4:59. Hahahaha. Damn, that was a good one.

Anonymous said...

I'm more than a little stunned at Mr. Barone finds Alexander Hamilton, Benjamin Franklin and John Jay to be inarticulate. He apparently feels the same about John Welsey who questioned slavery or that Presbyterians, Methodists,and Baptists all were opposed to slavery at our Founding.

And, the most troubling is that the memory loss so many commenters seem to be suffering. You seem to have forgotten the Klan activity that continued and The White Citizens Council. Nor accept that today, there are those still trying to prevent African Americans and the working poor from voting by limiting access by requiring "hoops" that must be jumped by getting off work or online access or owning transportation.
My family has been in "the South" before Revolution.Most fought with Lee. But we can be honest about our past and accept the adverse consequences to the descendants of slaves. And, I'm stunned when those I know with certainly have and continue to disparage African Americans in social settings claim to be offended by being accused of racism.
That you are kind to and like your maid or other African Americans who work for you doesn't not cure you of racism or bigotry.
You are " cured" only when you judge individuals by their behavior,including in your own group affliations. It comes with looking inward, not outward.
Mr. Barone has only his age as an excuse, what's yours?

Anonymous said...

@5:47a- I’ve not seen one person say Lincoln’s E.P. immediately freed the slaves. We all know it was issued, the war continued, and we eventually got to the 13th Amendment. We all know Juneteenth actually only applies to the last of slaves in Texas. We all agree it was a terrible time in out country’s history ending with a war that cost over 600,000 Americans their lives, more than half of which were from the North. Not one person on this blog has argued that slavery was just.

Based on the tone of your comment, you’re offended that the E.P. allowed the slaves “to run?” What did you want? The slaves to remain in captivity? Logic dictates the actual slaves at the time would have been excited about the option to leave. Can’t you just imagine the hope they were filled with? What would you have preferred? No action by the president at the time to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING? Lincoln literally started an avalanche that made slavery illegal in our country, and you seem pissed about it!?!

Please enlighten us all about what bullshit WE are falling for? We know and understand what happened. We just choose to live in the present day under the truth that we are all free and created equally.

You seem to be against the newly created holiday. It doesn’t phase me one way or the other. Anyone could have celebrated on their own at any time and place... we are free after all. The irony of those still wallowing in slavery who are literally falling all over racist Joe Biden for passing this holiday is off the charts. It exposes the truth about what a lot of these folks are truly “fighting” for...

@8:44a- I want to laugh along with you, but there are so many people who seriously believe those words. I have some neighbors (of both races) that truly believe every word 4:59a typed. I tilt my head, stare at them for a bit, and try to be empathetic and understand their thought process, but I cannot even begin to grasp their non-realistic logic. It’s obvious that factually so much of that statement is false, yet these people will stand by those words. I’ve just come to realize to each his own. However, I do have to chuckle when I hear or read them complain about prices, taxes, and other negative effects of democratic policies. That’s when the head shaking starts...

Anonymous said...

Conservatives get on a conservative blog and completely Karen out about one national holiday that celebrates and memorializes the freedom of other human beings from slavery. Then, they wonder why they lose national elections.

Oh, the irony. It’s as simple as not being an asshole. But y’all can’t seem to handle that.

Anonymous said...

"Lincoln had no authority in the Confederacy, a new nation with its own law."

Did you get your law degree from Glenn Beck University?

That which is commonto man said...

What "perfect" individual would be capable of determining if a "human" had actually been "cured" of "racism"? What would be the defining characteristics of this "cure" and what governing "authority" would control the qualification of such a "perfect" individual? Would this "cure" also include the eradication of "bigotry"? I, would question if there could be a "cure" for "racism" without a "cure" of "bigotry". Would there be a second opinion option for those diagnosed with "racism". Would "racism" have various stages of development like, say cancer, or some mental "psychosis". Could there be such a case as terminal "racism"?

You have no idea how ignorant your post reads. Racism, bigotry, tribalism, whatever you choose to call it, is inherent in the human species. Every human specimen to some degree. It is part and parcel of the human existence. It is lockstep with the self-destructive nature of the human race. Your ignorance is only exceeded by your arrogance. For you to think that you are immune from all that befalls the human race is the height of arrogance. Your very post reeks of bigotry. What a pompous ass you are.

Anonymous said...

1:52 pm

Please don't be dense and literal. I put "cure" in quotation marks for a reason. Nor did I say I'm " immune" from all things or was always aware of the racism around me.

Yes, there are " stages" of racism. It's LEARNED behavior. And, it can be unlearned.

It doesn't require perfection but rather humility to entertain the notion that you might learn from those who aren't just like you.

You seem to be ignorant of the fact that tribes have learned from and prospered from good relationships from other tribes.And, ignore that this country is populated with different tribes. So, you don't like Mexican food? You don't like Italian food?

We are talking about hating a group, any group because of bad behavior within that good. Are you saying there are no people of color or a different religion or gender that have value or anything to teach you? That they have no useful skills or abilities? Now THAT'S arrogance.

Benevolent leaders of tribes advanced civilizations.

Why you think it's difficult to form friendships with those who are of a different "tribe" is hard to understand, frankly.

You seem not to get that Americans left tribes and formed new tribes. That's OUR history.

So, your argument is that because racism,bigotry and tribalism are common in mankind's history, that they are good things to be continued and excused? We shouldn't try to learn from the disasters those dysfunctional behaviors have historically caused?

There's always been the 7 deadly sins too.
You want to believe that mankind can't improve or change? Or that cultural agreements can't be made or laws agreed upon?

That you want to embrace the most primitive traits of mankind is dysfunctional. And your knowledge of both history and other cultures, past and present is superficial.

Should you try to gain understanding, you'll find it brings humility not arrogance.

You offer only excuses and poor justification . You do protest too much.

Anonymous said...

" You seem to have forgotten the Klan activity that continued and The White Citizens Council. Nor accept that today, there are those still trying to prevent African Americans and the working poor from voting by limiting access by requiring "hoops" that must be jumped by getting off work or online access or owning transportation.
My family has been in "the South" before Revolution.Most fought with Lee. But we can be honest about our past and accept the adverse consequences to the descendants of slaves. And, I'm stunned when those I know with certainly have and continue to disparage African Americans in social settings claim to be offended by being accused of racism.
That you are kind to and like your maid or other African Americans who work for you doesn't not cure you of racism or bigotry. "

Hey DKL ... glad to see ya again !
It's cool you're still following JJ !!

But for the life of me, I've never understood your obsession with the Citizen's Councils.

Anonymous said...

Please enlighten us all about what bullshit WE are falling for?

Unless you have a real serious reading comprehension problem, The bullshit you've fallen for was clearly outlined. Google is your friend. Spend a little time tonite with your cigar and cocktail by keying in things like, "Who did Lincoln free?", "Did Lincoln's Proclamation free any slaves?", "Did Lincoln have the authority to free slaves in the South?", "What did Lincoln say about an unwillingness and inability to free slaves?" and "What was Lincoln's real reason for the Emancipation Proclamation?"

You jabber-heads who pretend to know true history are deep in left field. Take the challenge. Nobody, including ME, is condoning or advocating the practice of slavery; however, denying the reality of its acceptance here and abroad 160 years ago is nonsense. And it's nuts to suggest Lincoln wanted to or in fact (did) halt the practice.

Anonymous said...

To follow up on the comment at 1:52, with which I mostly agree: We don't have to be white like Archie Bunker to be racist, or black like George Jefferson to be a bigot.

I don't know about a cure for human defects in this life, but I do believe they can be brought into remission. The source of the treatment can be found in the New Testament. Like any treatment, it can be misused and abused, but it does work when applied as directed to the illness.

Anonymous said...

"Most cities and counties could have cancelled Confederate Memorial Day but they liked a day off with pay!"

Newsflash, 8:42...Nobody can cancel a codified state holiday other than the legislature.

Anonymous said...

1:52 - Who the hell are you addressing?

Anonymous said...

KF—once again, you’re only allowing comments that fit your little small narrative.

I thought this was a blog? You’re not running a blog (where different opinions are debated, discussed, whatever.) You’re running a gossip column.

Anonymous said...

Whenever someone says “slavery,” I be wanting to say call them what they really were...


Homicide victims.
Rape victims.
Kidnapping victims.

And so on and so on.

These crimes lasted about 400+ years before America decided to “free” the slaves.

Physically, Death freed more slaves than America.
Mentally, well, mentally and emotionally slavery will always exist.

Anonymous said...

7:11, I disagree with Kingfish 90% of the time. My posts get approved. If your’s are not, maybe you should take a look in the mirror, as opposed to blaming Kingfish for “censuring” or “canceling” you.

Anonymous said...

Looks like y’all need to study American history period. Not just about the injustice of slavery in the United States. Their certainly were some decent white folks then who saved blacks. Just like their are decent black folks who save white folks from themselves everyday.

Anonymous said...

The key to getting your comment published is to stay on topic or if you answer one of the morons who might get in, who he publishes often.

Happy Fathers' Day said...

9:37 - Based on all the things I've seen posted over the years, I can't imagine any attempted post being blocked for any reason. This blog is primarily one of opinions as opposed to scholarly facts. Whose opinion is unworthy? I've found the quickest way to ensure your attempt gets accepted is to end it with, 'This post will never see the light of day'.

Anonymous said...

7:18am I agree with you completely.

I just don't think that some white people did " the right thing" and stood up for our principles of equality as citizens in the past ends our obligation to continue until until equality is achieved.

It certainly doesn't when so many States are gerrymandering to dilute minority and urban precincts and to make the mechanics of voting more difficult.

The right to vote for anyone born in this country or who legally obtained citizenship shouldn't be made burdensome. And, in the process the older generations who will need transportation in getting , not just to the ballot box but now essentially re-register is a disgrace.

Frankly, I think our democratic republic is not going to survive and the fact that you are white won't save either of us anymore than it did Romans, Greeks and later the French, Germans, Italians, Spanish, Argentinians, Chinese, or Russian doctors or educators or business owners or artisans who disliked the government in power but who'd achieved some level of lifestyle comfort. As then, the "party/leader loyalists" will be rewarded with your " stuff"... your house, your valuable goods and you'll be eliminated or " re-educated". Fascists and Communists have that MO in common. They lie and make promises to the uninformed masses, the complacent and those who see a personal advantage.

We are modeling a failed State. That people can't even get vaccinated to save our fellow citizens is pretty damn telling that we've become a people who no longer believe in anything greater than ourselves.

A lot will depend on how our military and we screwed up in making it " professional". A citizen army was our best protection second only to the right to vote.

Anonymous said...

The radical liberal politicians have got their newest holiday. There are more to come. As many as necessary to insure that every interest group becomes polarized from the others so we will ultimately disintegrate as a united country. There was no groundswell for this holiday. Most black folks hardly gave a damn. Black people in Texas commemorate it's LOCAL significance. But the liberal handlers of the party are in a hurry and they cannot allow an opportunity or crisis to slip away. They need to keep Black people looking
backwards at racial disparities rather than forward at opportunities to insure their everlasting dependence on them for "leadership". Happy holiday.

Anonymous said...

@11:01a- I’m guessing you’re of the variety that doesn’t own a gun. If America comes to the point you described, there will absolutely be a citizen army. How large it is will depend on how successful the anti-American left is with its attacks on the Second Amendment.

That vaccine jab you took was classic. You essentially said people who don’t get it are selfish and that we should all lay down our life without question for the greater good of America. Despite the fact that the vaccine neither prevents the contraction or the spread of the virus, it simply lessens symptoms, but not all symptoms, that’s a pretty weak ass argument. You’re saying that any American, like myself, you had COVID with little to no issues, and that now has antibodies, doesn’t care about the greater good. That I can only care about the greater good by partaking in a vaccine that has little to no impact for me, but that may or may not cause me medical harm. Good grief, I sure hope you’re never in charge of actual human lives. Based on your own words, it’s safe to assume you’re not military or law enforcement. Please share with us how you, besides your vaccine, serve the greater good of America.

Stop dumbing down the ease of voting. Our country falls all over itself to simplify the process. At some point, it has to matter enough to the citizens to participate. If you’re so worried about the elderly, give them a ride to the polls or the clerk’s office. If you had any clue whatsoever, you’d know the elderly can EASILY obtain a voter registration application AND their absentee ballots through the mail by simply placing a short phone call to the clerk’s office.

Anonymous said...


Go back and listen to what you’re saying. While your commentary makes sense to you, it hardly makes sense to me. If I ask KF why he only approves certain comments then HE is the one who needs to look in the mirror. Not I.

BTW, the unapproved comment had absolutely nothing to do with anything KF said—my comments were a response to Barone’s article.

Anonymous said...


“Whose opinion is unworthy?”

Agreed, and all I’m saying.
If one of my comments weren’t approved then logically I’d like to know exactly why?

Anonymous said...

It seems to me the best way to celebrate the end of slavery is to vote. Medgar Evers died fighting for that right, as did many others who are celebrated for their contributions.

Nonetheless, about 17% of Jackson voters actually cast a ballot in the last election, out of city that's approximately 83% black. Where's the disconnect? Has protesting merely become another form of entertainment?

Anonymous said...

7:13 I've heard those numbers but aren't they based on Jackson's total population? In reality, I'd think at least 50-60% of those are children under 18, and another 12-15% are convicted felons, so honestly that % should be much higher.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS