Saturday, December 21, 2024

D.L. Gardner: News Roundup of the Transition

For about a month now Americans have been all up in the air over “Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena” (UAP) what they call drones. The federal government says most of them are airplanes though they don’t really know what they are or who is flying them. They don’t know where they come from or where they go to. Nevertheless, federal sources have all agreed the UAPs pose no threat and are not dangerous.

Coincidently, President-elect Donald J. Trump is creating a list of nominees he wants in his administration. Many Americans call them UAPs, particularly the ones they’ve never heard of. Anonymous sources have said many of the nominees will cut wasteful spending by terminating up to a third of the federal workforce and destroying democracy as we have known it for the past 60 years. Democrats have vowed to resist this attempt to destroy democracy by fully funding their own pet projects.

Earlier this year rumors circulated around the Trump campaign that a win would mean the end of DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion). Those familiar with the plan have acknowledged that America is already the most diversified nation on earth, that equity is inferior to merit, and that many womyn don’t want biological myn to be included in their bathroom meetings.

In other news, a jury in a New York City courtroom set a new precedent finding Daniel Penny not guilty in the death of an unruly indigent rider on a New York subway. At the beginning of deliberations the jury deadlocked. The judge ordered them to return to their deliberations after a weekend recess and reduced the charges against Penny. One juror began the deliberations by renouncing his affiliation with the Democrat Party. He acknowledged that Trump’s win had made him question all his Democrat beliefs about the roles of myn and womyn. After a brief discussion, all jurors agreed to continue using the traditional words women and men, and voted unanimously to acquit Penny of all charges even though he is white and privileged.

Republicans and Democrats on both sides of the aisle have been working on legislation to expand the president’s authority to pardon people whether they have been convicted or not. President Biden pardoned his son Hunter after admitting his own Department of Justice had become politically weaponized. Over the past eight years Biden has resolutely refuted Donald Trump’s claims that DOJ was politically biased. President Biden acknowledged he had been wrong all that time and only saw the light after a family reunion that included long time friends who were lobbying for unrestricted pardons of actions committed over the past 50 years or so.

As President Biden has prepared to leave the White House he tripped over a tip that prices for scrap iron were forecast to rise exponentially after January. In a gutsy move he ordered the Homeland Security guy to sell all the pieces of the wall on the southern border at a good price. Media groups across the woke spectrum praised him for his unselfish action to make a good deal for American taxpayers.

The New York Times and Washington Post both pledged special editions highlighting all of President Biden’s accomplishments while in the White House including ending the war in Afghanistan and instituting a widely acclaimed immigration program on our southern border.

Daniel L. Gardner is a columnist who lives in Starkville, MS. You may contact him at PJandMe2@gmail.com.

Posted by Kingfish at 9:45 AM

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny story, pretty good sarcasm.

December 21, 2024 at 10:01 AM
El Chapo said...

Anyone know what the going rate is to buy a pardon? Asking for a friend.
https://www.justice.gov/pardon/pardons-granted-president-joseph-biden-2021-present

December 21, 2024 at 10:02 AM
Anonymous said...

I would think that at least 100K per.

December 21, 2024 at 11:09 AM
Anonymous said...

UFO/UAP/Drones? Those are Aliens! Just friendly Aliens checking us out. My advice is stay near bodies of water, just in case. Your safest place in case they attack is get in the water! Aliens can’t swim, everybody knows that! “ Watch The Skies”

December 21, 2024 at 3:38 PM
Anonymous said...

El Chapo said...
Anyone know what the going rate is to buy a pardon? Asking for a friend.
December 21, 2024 at 10:02 AM
Here You Go!
https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=mcafee&p=crazy+joes+discount+pardon+warehouse&type=E210US1079G0#id=1&vid=03a8ac18560be01b57ffcfce4b54d0c3&action=click

December 21, 2024 at 7:50 PM
Anonymous said...

I want to see that NYT and WaPo special edition pamphlet of Biden accomplishments.

December 21, 2024 at 10:50 PM
Anonymous said...

The drones belong to the U.S. Army for the most part. At night Ft. Dix in N.J. owns the airspace over New York and New York City. They fly (and experiment with) every type of aircraft owned by the U.S., and some built by foreign countries. Why the government won't release this information is baffling.

December 21, 2024 at 11:55 PM
Anonymous said...

Ever wonder why Americans no longer trust the government?

December 22, 2024 at 1:57 AM
Anonymous said...

It’s not a UAP. It’s just another “backwards” Russian hypersonic warhead rendering the Iron Dome and our trillion dollar missle defense systems obsolete. 🤣🥲 But Slava Ukraine, right?

December 22, 2024 at 7:07 AM
Anonymous said...

For the first time, I'm with y"all 100%.

December 22, 2024 at 5:50 PM
Anonymous said...

Good Lord! Not everything is some damn conspiracy. Conspiratorial thinking is a sign of mental illness or mass hysteria.
I suspect a bunch of teenagers are hooting at scaring the grown ups. And, the rest are grown ups too dumb to recognize a small plane in the night sky.
Even more disturbing, the same people spreading fear want to dismantle the government agencies that actually deal with real threats to our nation.
But y'all go on and let an unelected billionaire who is so unstable that he has 15 children by multiple wives ( but only one he likes enough to carry around) and is so immature that he jumps up and down like a teenager on stage so we all see his fat belly and who is just finding ways to profit more for himself become your "savior". Can you be more clueless?
He wants to privatize government and that's another way to get our tax dollars enriching him and his "loyalists", not YOU. If you get anything, it'll be chicken feed.
Government is supposed to operate at cost so you don't pay for anything but the service rendered.
NASA put nearly $72 billion back into our economy and created over 339000 jobs. And, their innovations created new innovations and businesses that benefit all of us to this day.
But, somehow, y'all believe if Musk and Trump turn government into a business, the " profits" will go to oh, reduce debt and not line their pockets. Trump already has profited with his expensive hotel that those seeking political help must stay at to get favors and the $200000 fee to get in Mar A Lago and all the "insider" trading information. And, there's getting the JOBS for Trump's family. Geez...bimbos and really dumb former football players for ambassadorships...what could go wrong? Just a few more places that won't welcome Americans.

December 23, 2024 at 8:22 AM
Anonymous said...

8:22 needs a hug.

December 23, 2024 at 10:28 AM

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.