Friday, November 11, 2022

Ode to a Downtown Driver

His eyes were absent of fear as he sped past for the third time in his pilfered Jackson police cruiser, almost oblivious to the chain of screaming squad cars following like flies after a Chicago meat wagon.

The Capitol Street roundabouts proved minor impediments that transformed him into some kind of mini Burt Reynolds in a bad bandit film. "There'll be no water in Hell!" he seemed to shout back toward his pursuers in his quest to find a permanent escape route; one which would never materialize. 

For whatever reason, whether through ignorance or sport, this Downtown road demon would fail to activate his own blue lights in the stolen hardtop; a move that might have bought him precious time as the realization must've rolled in like a quick fog that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride was coming to its inevitable conclusion. 

And then, too soon for the spectators who had cheered his journey as some breath of fresh air in a crime-troubled, pothole-filled asphalt jungle, the hounding sirens went silent and we knew, with heads hung low, that our Andretti of the night would drive no more. 


Anonymous said...

Anyone who would cheer a criminal needs to be hung. That’s what’s wrong with our society.

Anonymous said...

But didn't the City Council issue a proclamation a few months back that they wanted to see professional sports back in downtown Jackson?

Anonymous said...

Chain Gang Charlie: “They said you was hung.”
Sheriff Bart: “And they was right.”
-- Blazing Saddles

Anonymous said...

NASCAR us making an appearance in another troubled city, Chicago, in 2023. Maybe the current admin in Jackson is on to something.

Anonymous said...

@12:46 Lighten up, Francis.

Anonymous said...

Come on, at least give credit to the writer.

Anonymous said...

Jackson must be hell cause there's no water there either.

Anonymous said...

Creative writing, University of Iowa

Anonymous said...

The JPD chief announced that there will be no charges for the car thief, because it is "against policy" to leave the engine running.

WTF does that have to do his criminal intent? He stole a car and it makes no friggin' difference what policy is as he isn't a city employee.

What a third world LE agency!!!

It's open season boys! If you come across an unoccupied JPD cruiser with the engine running TAKE IT FOR A JOY RIDE!!!

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest literature I have read in a long time! The fellow officers will never let him/her forget this one!!!!! The Duh Award goes to..... ?????

Anonymous said...

Where's all the Jacktown leaders now? Silent about Jackson PD chasing down one of their own cars!....this wasn't an out of town jurisdiction trying to catch a Jackson thug attempting to get back to his safe haven.

Anonymous said...

Funny how City Council and JPD didn't complain about this particular car chase.

It's just a stolen car after all.

Anonymous said...

Jackson is a nice place to live. Unless you need water, drivable roads, police protection, depreciating property values, etc.

Anonymous said...

Surely its a joke that chief said no charges.

Anonymous said...

@4:22 PM, it was an equity crime. Those don't count in Lumumbaville.

Anonymous said...

Are the Capitol Police going to charge this car thief? If JPD won't do it, the Capitol Police certainly should. A speeding car can be a deadly weapon. Suppose he had killed someone with that car?

Anonymous said...

This is Benny Hill material for sure! We just need the music.

Anonymous said...

I’m all for law and order and putting criminals in jail, but y’all do realize the perp is mentally ill, right? Check the WLBT story.
I’m not sure what the answer is since we let our crazies wander the streets now instead of putting them in the State Hospital thanks to the ACLU.

Anonymous said...

Probably inspired to do this as East Bound and Down was blaring from the cruisers radio as he was walking by it.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS