Sunday, July 3, 2022

The Uncola

More than a few readers miss church during a holiday weekend.  Fireworks often beats fire and brimstone.   If you need a make-up sermon, enjoy the 1994 sermon presented below by the late Dr. Frank Pollard as he preached from Jude.  Yes, Jude, the shortest book in the Bible.  




ST . Peter stood guard at the golden gate, 
With solemn mien and air sedate, 
When up to the top of the golden stair, 
A man and a woman ascending there, 
Applied for admission. They came and stood 
Before St. Peter, so great and good, 
In hopes the City of Peace to win, 
And asked St. Peter to let them in. 

The woman was tall, and lank, and thin, 
With a scraggy beardlet upon her chin. 
The man was short, and thick, and stout, 
His stomach was built so it rounded out; 
His face was pleasant, and all the while 
He wore a kindly and pleasant smile. 
The choirs in the distance the echoes awoke, 
And the man kept still while the woman spoke. 

“O thou who guards the gate,” said she, 
“We two came hither, beseeching thee 
To let us enter the heavenly land 
And play our harps with the angel band. 
Of me, St. Peter, there is no doubt. 
There is nothing from heaven to bar me out; 
I've been to meeting three times a week, 
And almost always I'd rise and speak. 

“I've told the sinners about the day 
When they repent of their evil way; 
I've told my neighbors—I've told 'em all— 
'Bout Adam and Eve and the Primal Fall; 
I've shown them what they'd have to do 
If they'd pass in with the chosen few; 
I've marked their path of duty clear— 
Laid out the plan for their whole career. 

“I've talked and talked to 'em loud and long 
For my lungs are good, and my voice is strong, 
So good, St. Peter, you'll clearly see 
The gate of heaven is open for me. 
But my old man, I regret to say, 
Hasn't walked in exactly the narrow way; 
He smokes and he swears, and grave faults he's got, 
And I don't know whether he'll pass or not. 

“He never would pray with an earnest vim, 
Or go to revival, or join in a hymn, 
So I had to leave him in sorrow there 
While I, with the chosen, united in prayer; 
He ate what the pantry chanced to afford, 
While I, in my purity, sang to the Lord. 

“And if cucumbers were all he got 
It's a chance if he merited them or not. 
But, O St. Peter, I love him so. 
To the pleasures of heaven, please let him go. 
I've done enough, a saint I've been, 
Won't that atone? Can't you let him in? 
By my grim gospel I know 'tis so 
That the unrepentant must try below. 
But isn't there some way you can see 
That he may enter, who's dear to me? 

“It's narrow gospel by which I pray, 
But the chosen expect to find some way 
Of coaxing, or fooling, or bribing you 
So that their relations can amble through, 
And say, St. Peter, it seems to me 
The gate isn't kept as it ought to be. 
You ought to stand by the opening there, 
And never sit down in that easy chair. 

“And say, St. Peter, my sight is dimmed, 
But I don't like the way your whiskers are trimmed; 
They're cut too wide and outward toss; 
They'd look better narrow, cut straight across. 
Well, we must be going, our crown to win, 
So open, St. Peter, and we'll pass in.” 
St. Peter sat quiet and stroked his staff, 
But, in spite of his office, he had to laugh, 
Then said with a fiery gleam in his eye, 
“Who's tending this gateway, you or I?” 
And then he arose in his stature tall, 
And pressed a button upon the wall, 
And said to an imp, who came all aglow, 
“Escort this woman to the regions below.” 

The man stood still as a piece of stone— 
Stood sadly, gloomily, there alone. 
A lifelong settled idea he had 
That his wife was good and he was bad; 
He thought if the woman went down below 
That he would certainly have to go; 
That if she went to the regions dim 
There wasn't a ghost of a chance for him. 

Slowly he turned, by habit bent, 
To follow wherever the woman went. 
St. Peter, standing on duty there, 
Observed that the top of his head was bare. 
He called the gentleman back and said: 
“Friend, how long have you been wed?” 
“Thirty years” (with a heavy sigh), 
And then he thoughtfully added, “Why?” 

St. Peter was silent. With head bent down, 
He raised his hand and scratched his crown. 
Then, seeming a different thought to take, 
Slowly, half to himself, he spake: 
“Thirty years with that woman there? 
No wonder the man hasn't any hair. 
Swearing is wicked; smoking's not good; 
He smoked and swore—I should think he would. 

“Thirty years with that tongue so sharp? 
O Angel Gabriel, give him a harp, 
A jeweled harp with a golden string. 
Good sir, pass in where the angels sing; 
Gabriel, give him a seat alone— 
One with a cushion—up near the throne. 
Call up some angels to play their best; 
Let him enjoy the music—and rest.” 

“See that on the finest ambrosia he feeds; 
He's had about all the hell he needs; 
It isn't just hardly the thing to do— 
To roast him on earth and the future, too.” 

They gave him a harp with golden strings, 
A glittering robe and a pair of wings, 
And he said as he entered the Realms of Day: 
“Well, this beats cucumbers, anyway.” 
And so the Scriptures had come to pass— 
“The last shall be first and the first shall be last.”
- Joseph Bert Smiley

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).


Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.


In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.


Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS
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