Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Take your fun elsewhere. This is Jackson.

Dammit, I've had it. By now everyone has heard about the closing of Rapids on the Reservoir. What do we get instead? F'n condos. CONDOS!!! Oh don't worry, the developer assures us it will be state of the art, have lakes, a trail, and other cute little amenities. Just one more developer who isnt' satisfied until every tree is chopped down, blade of grass is paved over, and drop of water has a condo sitting on top of it.

This town is getting to where you can't have any damn fun. Want to take your kids to play golf? Want to ride go-carts? Batting cages? Ride some rides? Forget it. Want to go to a water park without driving an hour only to find out it is filled to capacity? You are out of luck. Want to go hear some music and have a drink while enjoying a nice day the water as we used to do at the Dock? Don't bother. Want to go to a bar like the Subway in the old days and hear some music all night long? Mac don't want you to have fun. Feel like having a smoke or enjoying a cigar at a place where the owner allows you to do so? The Smoke Nazis want you to go to hell. Want to enjoy some greenery downtown? Don't worry about it as Watkins and his bunch bulldozed the last section of grass downtown instead of all the old buildings screaming to be torn down. Like the way development is spread out on I-55 North as you drive by the Deaf School? HA!! Duckworth wants a nice concrete jungle in its place.

I'm sick of it. Condos and buildings are nice to a point but dammit, many of us want to do things that are fun or have places to go for amusement. If this is progress, F progress.


The Butterknife said...

I saw this on the news this morning and The Man's first question was "WHY IS RAPIDS CLOSING?"

My theory?

Video Games. See, kids these days play too many video games.

This makes them fat.

Fat kids don't like to get naked in public.

Hence, all things having a high probability that one will be required to do them partially naked in front of a bunch of strangers are all going straight to hell.

Did you know the Spartans used to make their young adults dance outside naked as to encourage them to not get fat?

They knew what they were doing.

Being fat and naked in front of strangers is not FUN.

Kingfish said...

admit it. You just want to look at young 16 year old guys dancing naked. Truth hurts. ;-)

Tom Head said...

Kingfish, get thee to the 930 Blues Cafe on a Thursday night. You can thank me later!

Tom Head said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tom Head said...

(For the fun, I mean, not for the naked 16-year-olds...)

And Loriali, I so agree with your nudity theory. After I hit 200 pounds, I stopped taking my clothes off in public places entirely. Great news for the management at McDade's!

Anonymous said...

So with a housing slump, mortgage crisis, and an impending recession, they are building more dang condos? I hope the development blows up in their faces. In 20 years they will be a crumbling mess and the neighborhood and soccer field behind them will suffer.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS