Thursday, August 4, 2022

Funny of the Day

The Bangor Police Department (yes, Bangor, Maine), posted the following statement on Facebook.

 Got Warrants? is a marginally famous feature of the world's most renowned and casually mediocre police department Facebook page.

It all started at the Jimmy Buffett concert, naturally.
It should be noted that we love Jimmy Buffett and his backup band, the Coral Reefers. When in Maine, they are entirely within their rights to consume herbal soothing agents for strained vocal cords; it's all legal here. The band has nothing to do with this story.
Clearly, those depicted in this missive believed they might have been at a country show. This is pure supposition, and by no means indicates that all country fans are prone to violence or drinking to excess. But to get the true story, one must speak to the show security staff. They are the folks stuck rasslin' with pre-lubricated people who have no business rasslin' at all.
One has not truly grappled unless they have latched onto a sweaty concertgoer after they have been saturated with several quarts of the devil's quenching fluids. They do get a bit slippery with the sweat from performing thirty-six poorly choreographed line dances while spilling their twelve-dollar Coors Light on co-dancers.
Please don't ask the cops about it; we have an implicit bias against those who only wear cowboy hats once a year and did last-minute Buck knife-only alterations to their favorite Wrangler jeans in order to pull off the Daisy Duke mystique just before wandering down Bangor's Main Street. It reveals things that even the original Daisy Duke would have found appalling.
I digress, but our story must begin because it was a Buffett concert, and it had to be "Five O'clock Somewhere."
A concerned citizen pointed out a male/female duo who turned out to be husband and wife. They had become disorderly and were bothering other patrons who came to the show specifically to become inebriated and wear hula skirts and fake parrots on their heads.
Come to think of it, a country-based costume might make more sense. No matter.
The couple became collectively unhappy with their interaction with Bangor Police Officers; belligerence ensued.
It was determined that their level of intoxication far surpassed those around them who were generally kind and colorful. Staff requested that the couple move along for a change in their latitude. They would not be allowed to enter the show. They complied and headed off to a different particular harbor. Or so we thought.
A very short time after the kind ejection from what could have become a lovely cruise, the female half of the partners in wine returned.
She was a bit angry that our cops did not know where her husband went. To be clear, the officers specifically explained that they had no idea, but she had some difficulty comprehending their answers.
Shortly after, the cops found her husband standing back in the line like nothing had ever happened. He was easily identifiable as he had not done what any good Buffett fan would have done. A Sharpie-drawn Pencil Thin mustache could have concealed his true identity; he was told—again—that he was not allowed to enter the show.
The man's language would have pleased even the most p.o'd pirate, but he did walk away as if to leave the area again. He swore like the Son of a Son of a Sailor, but we have heard it before. Someone should write a song about that.
Now, obviously, we have other things to do during the entry period of a concert. The officers left the area to attend to other matters, but upon their return to the gate, they found the man, still sans wife, waiting in line to get into the show. Little Miss Magic was nowhere to be found.
Since the third time is typically the charm, the cops asked the man to leave again. He refused. Officers attempted to guide him to another location when he resisted their efforts. He then blurted out the STFCTLTJ (Standard Threat For Cops To Lose Their Jobs).
He came at us hard, threatening to call his sister, who he claimed was State Legislator. He even gave out her name— repeatedly and loudly (sorry, Sis). His career-ending, expletive-filled tirade would probably upset his elected relative, so we moved forward; JBD (Jobs Be Darned).
Politics is tough and even more challenging when your brother utilizes threatening behavior by touting your elected position mixed liberally with alcohol-based refreshments.
While it's probably not in the Statutes Ensuring the Ethical Behavior of Elected Official's Relatives, the man kicked our officer at least once and prepared to do it again by cocking back his leg for another go.
One person, one vote must have crossed his mind, and he put his leg down, knowing he would soon need it to move past this unfortunate moment in his concert-going life. This is at least the Dream of this Unfortunate Poet. The man was taken to jail without further ado.
Now, where, oh where was his partner?
Little Miss Magic was later found to have entered the concert arena and enjoyed a bit of the show without the encumbrance of her special someone; she probably believed He Went to Paris.
She was placed under arrest.
Having some rudimentary knowledge about the cuisine at the county lock-up, the officers knew that neither of the former concertgoers would be enjoying a Cheeseburger in Paradise.
We suspect they had a Cheese Sandwich, no mayo, to be concise.
Officer Sinclair was whistling "It's My Job" on his way back from the jail. His life would be more peaceful now. "Fins Up."
*The writer of "Got Warrants?" utilizes hyperbole, song titles, and kind ribbing to tell a story. While unnamed and unidentified, all our characters are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Being arrested is not—ever—the determiner of guilt.
This story was brought to you by alcohol, warm temperatures, and crowded conditions.*
No one arrested was wearing a plastic parrot or shark-fin on their head. This bodes well for future Jimmy Buffett shows in our region.
LT. (RET) Tim Cotton (BPD Social Media Manager)
Police Liaison to the Stars
Not a Vegan


Anonymous said...

Perhaps an exchange program of city leadership and police can be arranged.

Anonymous said...

Forget Tom Cotton; I'm voting for Tim.

Anonymous said...

Well written and even more, well played.

Anonymous said...

Oh Tim, she sounds like a true Southern gurl and he has the makings of a MS Redneck. Perhaps you can relocate and run for Chief of Police or Mayor of Jackson! Hell run for President of USA!

Anonymous said...

Loved this at the end; “Not a vegan.”

Anonymous said...

I loved this article. This is why we are buying a house in Maine and living there at least 6 months every year. Can you imagine living where the police can write, spell, punctuate, have a sense of humor and competently do their jobs? Where the local governments support them? Where crime is corresponding low? Maine is called vacationland for good reason.

Anonymous said...

I've followed them for a couple of years. Brilliant, fun community police. I can think of others who could benefit from this approach.

rez rezident said...

I could hear Perry Waggoner writing that story.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS