Monday, March 7, 2011

NAACP's Derrick Johnson is NOT an attorney, he just plays one for $40,000

Should the Hinds County Board of Supervisors pay $40,000 to Derrick Johnson for redistricting voters in the county per his contract? Pete Perry, Chairman of the Hinds County Republican Executive Committee, told the Board in its regular meeting this morning Mr. Johnson's contract was not legal and he would go to court if necessary to block payment.

Note: Video of meeting and JFP interview posted below.
Update: Case law added to post

Mr. Perry said Mr. Johnson is not a licensed attorney in Mississippi. A screen shot posted above shows Mr. Johnson is not licensed among the Bar's list of licensed attorneys. The Bar verified in a phone call Mr. Johnson is not licensed in Mississippi. Mr. Johnson's status as a licensed attorney in Mississippi is important because the Board of Supervisors awarded him a contract at the December 20, 2010 meeting. The Board did not require public bids because it was a professional services contract, which under state law, are exempt from public bidding procedures. The agreement states at the top of the first page (posted below) it is a "Contract for Professional Services for Hinds County Redistricting."

The Board minutes for December 20, 2010 state "RESOLVED to approve entering into a contract with D. L. Johnson Consultants, LLC, for $40,000.00, to perform redistricting for Hinds County using the 2010 census, pending Board Attorney approval." Mr. Johnson stated at the beginning of the special meeting on the Board of Supervisors on February 22, 2011 "The proposal I submitted is a professional services proposal. It is not required by state law to have a bid... Professional services is not required to have a bid." (See 24:00 minute mark on this video.)

The hiring of Mr. Johnson for $40,000, twice the amount charged by Central Mississippi Planning & Development District, generated no small amount of controversy. The hiring of Mr. Johnson was not placed on the agenda for the December 20 meeting. Several supervisors justified his hiring by arguing he was also providing legal services. Here are some choice quotes:

"A portion of the $40,000 in fees will pay for Johnson to represent the county in addressing any legal concerns that arise as a result of the redistricting.

Those legal fees are already being put to use. Johnson is currently looking into one matter that could require Hinds County to hold elections in 2011 and again in 2012.

Smith said the county attorney doesn’t have the experience to handle redistricting lawsuits. “The board attorney only handles day-to-day stuff,” he said...

Johnson will also represent the county if any challenges to the redistricting are brought up in court. Johnson couldn’t be reached for comment.

District One Supervisor Robert Graham said he supported Johnson because of his experience. According to the Mississippi NAACP’s Web site, Johnson received his juris doctorate from South Texas College of Law in Houston and his bachelor’s from Tougaloo College." February 8, 2011 Northside Sun

Mr. Graham told Fox40 last week: ""Mr. Johnson is also an attorney. Mr. Johnson is also an individual who is familiar with the law". (No wonder he ran out when this came up today.)

Mrs. Hobson-Calhoun stated on February 25 to the Clarion-Ledger "She said the board considered "all ramifications" in hiring Johnson at the Jan. 18 meeting. His fee includes crafting the districts, maps and materials, and the services of an attorney, she said.

"In 2000, we did pay $20,000" for a redistricting consultant, Calhoun said. "But, everything goes up. The cost of providing services goes up. If CMPDD had done our redistricting now, an additional attorney would have cost an additional amount of money."

However, Section 19-3-69 of the Mississippi Code has something to say about who a county can hire under a professional services contract:

"The board of supervisors of each county may, in its discretion, contract with certain professionals when the board determines that such professional services are necessary and in the best interest of the county.

The board of supervisors shall spread upon its minutes its finding that the professional services are necessary and in the best interest of the county. The contract for professional services shall be approved by the attorney for the board of supervisors and made a part of the minutes.

A professional within the meaning of this section shall be limited to:
(a) Attorneys at law, admitted to practice law in this state by the State Board of Bar Admissions;"

The ability of the Board to hire professionals is limited also to doctors, CPA's, engineers, realtors, surveyors, auctioneers, appraisers, and architects. All must be licensed in the state of Mississippi.

The Mississippi Supreme Court reinforced this interpretation of the statute in the 2004 State v. Madison County Board of Supervisors decision when it invalidated Madison County's attempt to get around bid requirements by hiring an unlicensed appraiser:

Miss.Code Ann. § 19-3-69(f) clearly establishes that appraisers with whom the county contracts for personal services must be licensed by the Mississippi Real Estate Commission or as otherwise provided by law, and Herring and his employees are not licensed by the Real Estate Commission or any other licensing body. Furthermore, Miss.Code Ann. § 73-34-5(3) refers to salaried employees of the county, and the contract between the county and Herring clearly requires that Herring and his employees remain employees of Herring; and therefore, they are not "salaried" employees of Madison County...

Furthermore, the trial court erred in determining that the contract was a valid personal services contract such that it was exempt from the advertisement-for-bids requirement." Opinion, 873 So.2d 85 (2004).

Mr. Perry argued with the Board over whether Mr. Johnson's contract was legal. Mr. Graham immediately left the room when the discussion started. Several supervisors said CMPDD was not a law firm, therefor, the hiring of CMPDD for redistricting in years past was no different than the hiring of Mr. Johnson. However, CMPDD is the creation of Hinds County and several other government agencies. The hiring of such an entity does not fall under the professional services statute. Some supervisors tried to offer a defense of Mr. Johnson, asking would it matter if he had an attorney on staff at his company (The Bar would take GREAT offense to such an arrangement. Ask Steve Patterson what the Mississippi Bar thought of firms offering legal services that had shareholders that were not licensed attorneys.).

Board Attorney Crystal Martin told Mr. Perry she wanted to investigate for a several days to determine whether Mr. Johnson could in fact be hired by the county for professional services. The Board supported Mrs. Martin and tabled further discussion on the matter.

Left unspoken was what action the Board will take if Mr. Johnson's contract is canceled. The Board can accept his redistricting plans as it can from any member of the public. However, if Mr. Perry has his way, Mr. Johnson will get a chance to show the public how much he does indeed serve the public as his work will be pro bono.

Stay tuned.

Jackson Free Press coverage. Ward did a pretty good job.


reximus said...

Doesn't the Hinds County BOS have an official attorney anyway? I ask this because I know in the past they hired the now deceased Ruma Haque (God rest her soul) to be the attorney for them. I would think they would have chosen another atty. to replace her.

Kingfish said...

Crystal Martin. Precious Martin's wife.

reximus said...

so the claims about Johnson repping them in any legal ramifications resultant from his map are in fact moot.

Anonymous said...

Any members of the Mississippi Bar reading this ought to report Mr. Johnson to the Bar Association for violating the rule against the unlicensed practice of law...In addition, if he has held himself out to be an attorney for the purposes of getting this contract, someone should prosecute him for violation of Mississippi Code Annotated Section 73-3-55, which reads:

§ 73-3-55. Unlawful to practice law without license; certain abstract companies may certify titles.

It shall be unlawful for any person to engage in the practice of law in this state who has not been licensed according to law. Any person violating the provisions of this section shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and, upon conviction, shall be punished in accordance with the provisions of Section 97-23-43. Any person who shall for fee or reward or promise, directly or indirectly, write or dictate any paper or instrument of writing, to be filed in any cause or proceeding pending, or to be instituted in any court in this state, or give any counsel or advice therein, or who shall write or dictate any bill of sale, deed of conveyance, deed of trust, mortgage, contract, or last will and testament, or shall make or certify to any abstract of title to real estate other than his own or in which he may own an interest, shall be held to be engaged in the practice of law. This section shall not, however, prevent title or abstract of title guaranty companies incorporated under the laws of this state from making abstract or certifying titles to real estate where it acts through some person as agent, authorized under the laws of the State of Mississippi to practice law; nor shall this section prevent any abstract company chartered under the laws of the State of Mississippi with a paid-up capital of Fifty Thousand Dollars ($50,000.00) or more from making or certifying to abstracts of title to real estate through the president, secretary or other principal officer of such company.

At the least, Pete's attempt to enjoin the enforcement of his contract should be valid and Johnson should have to disgorge all funds received under this sham contract...thanks Kingfish for keeping us all informed...

Anonymous said...

(Video) Schaefer to Pete Perry: What your background?

Holy shit. Ladd goes on and on about what stellar 'research' they do and ol' Ward has to ask Pete about his background?


Anonymous said...

so the claims about Johnson repping them in any legal ramifications resultant from his map are in fact moot.

Furthermore, Johnson has now been exposed to governments, County and City, statewide. He can't represent them either.

Anonymous said...

Kingfish is as much an attorney as Derrick Johnson.

Anonymous said...

Who is suppose to enforce these laws??

Anonymous said...

HOW MUCH does anyone want to bet that Nathan Hargrove's contract with HindsCo doesn't pass muster either?

Anonymous said...

Can ... Worms ... Opened.

In 2000, Derrick Johnson eshblished D. L. JOHNSON CONSULTANTS, LLC to provide redistricting services for municipal and county governments. In providing these service Mr. Johnson work directly with County Board of Supervisors, Election Commissioners, City Council and School Board members across the state in developing and implementing redistricting plans. Additionally, Mr. Johnson has conducted training workshops for the Mississippi Supervisors Association, Mississippi Municipal League, The Legislative Black Caucus and several community based organizations.

Local and state candidates and elected officials regularly call upon Mr. Johnson to assist with election contest because of his thorough knowledge of the Mississippi Election Laws.

Anonymous said...

(GoogleCache of NatchezSunOnline) Better get a hold of the folks in Wilkinson County.

Redistricting: Wilkinson County Supervisors expect to pay $20,000-$30,000 for redrawing district lines. Supervisors will hire Derrick Johnson of Jackson to do the job, even though there were a few problems with his work when he did the last redistricting 10 years ago. Supervisors will hold preliminary hearings on redistricting Feb. 7 and Feb. 22 at 9:30 a.m. to discuss the procedure with the public.

Kingfish said...

Who said Hargrove had a contract?

Anonymous said...

He's referred to repeatedly as a consultant to the HindsCo BOS. In that role of consultant he's frequently participating in closed door Executive Sessions regarding emergency radio and/or siren matters. Not all of the matters he's discussed behind closed doors has been related to the ongoing lawsuit w/ Motorola.

He may not have a contract which makes it, in my mind, worse as he is, and has been, privy to confidential legal matters involving companies/distributors against which he competes in the marketplace for business. Without a contract there seems to be little to bind his actions relative to the confidential information he is gleaning in Hinds BOS Executive Sessions.

Only today in Ingram's C-L story on the Byram radios he's referred to as 'a county-hired consultant'.

Kingfish said...

I filed a public records request for his contract two weeks ago. Guess what? There is no contract for Hargrove.

KaptKangaroo said...

It is a fine time when the light shines and those who run amok of the law under the protection of the very veil they abuse find truth.

Kingfish said...

Doesn't matter what the task is. Under the statute, what matters is who the county can hire for a professional services contract.

Mr. Johnson can still get the contract, after the contract is opened up for bidding.

Anonymous said...

Did you see in the Ledger KF that Hargrove was pushing yesterday for another no-bid contract out of Hinds for some engineering outfit out of LA? Maybe you were there.

Anonymous said...

Donner Kay must be out.of.her.mind Mr. Fish that you recorded her reporter's interview with Perry. You are the best damn investigative journalist in Jackson. Period.

Anonymous said...

At issue - when BOS claims an attorney was on staff to provide legal services would be a big UPL violation.

If, hypothetically, they contracted with the LLC and Johnson profited from the work, ANY legal work, all involved are covered under the Bar's rule that a non-attorney cannot profit from legal work.

Kingfish said...

Yup. that is why I threw in Jabba the Hut.

Kingfish said...

This is getting downright funny. Read and laugh.

Welcome to the fray that is Jackson/Hinds politicking... I had wondered how long it would take a reasonable lawyer to challenge this hiring. Looks like the Hinds BOS are in for some forced transparency. Following this, let's examine the hangers-on like Mr. Hargrove and his company supplying walkie talkies to law enforcement.

posted by Darryl on 03/07/11 at 01:06 PM

I agree that it is a mess, Darryl, but Mr. Perry isn't the most unbiased, "reasonable" voice in this equation, either. The partisan sniping continues...

posted by DonnaLadd on 03/07/11 at 02:58 PM

Jackson, you're right. I'm surprised that Mr. Perry is doing this.

Beyond that, the whole redistricting mess is bringing out the worst in both "sides," reminding me what I don't especially like any particular political party, regardless of whether I agree with any of their current positions. The whole thing is gross from all sides.

posted by DonnaLadd on 03/07/11 at 07:25 PM

Y'all cannot be serious. The Hinds BOS, in disregard for its own rules as set down in Mississippi statute, engages in a contract with someone for the purposes of redrawing district lines based on census data. Oh, and at twice the going rate... And, using faulty data draws up a set of plans, actually 3, then hastily redraws another one (none of which were available for public view before the voting before the federal deadline) using theoretically correct data. And, to boot, he is the state president of the NAACP (who would have more than a passing interest in the outcome of his redrawn district lines). Wow, I mean,!

And not one mention of Jesus. Until now, dangit.

At least someone is bringing this information to light and showing to all the illegalities that go on, daily, in the management of Hinds County (and, possibly, the City of Jackson). I wonder what would get your ire up should the shoes be on the other feet... What about the fact that the NAACP has sued on behalf of a number of counties to move the deadlines to June so that the district lines could be drawn "accurately?" Is that ok? Apparently, if it involves the GOP, then it's not ok...

posted by Darryl on 03/08/11 at 05:22 AM

Kingfish said...

Darryl, just WHO has said this is OK on any side? (Other than Walt, who sounds like your mirror image on the *other* side.) Methinks your partisanship is showing, and you are gonna need to stop acting like people are saying things they haven't in order to continue posting here.

I will say it again: Everything to do with redistricting in this state stinks. I don't have a partisan dog in the hunt, so I can say that without flinching.

You? Walt?

posted by DonnaLadd on 03/08/11 at 08:06 AM

No partisanship on my part. Though I was born in Jackson, I now reside in Rankin County. Just thoroughly disgusted by how far Jackson and, by extension, Hinds County continues to reinforce my decision to move away.

I regret the implication that this was sanctioned and, thus, OK by anyone's standards. That said, there's no reason to accuse one party or another by acting in the best interests or not of the city. Note, I made no mention of voting parties - the only group I mentioned is the NAACP in two instances. Partisanship will always rear its head in these matters, race-related or not. I continue to stand behind the lack of transparency and honesty the BOS operates in.

posted by Darryl on 03/08/11 at 11:36 AM

"Just thoroughly disgusted by how far Jackson and, by extension, Hinds County continues to reinforce my decision to move away."

But somehow, Darryl, Rankin County is the garden district of the state, with pure politics and perfection, eh?

What gets me in all this is all of you partisans pointing fingers at each other. It's all the other party's fault, depending on who's squawk is the loudest.

Right. Man, I hate blind partisanship, not to mention stupid, mindless attempts to bash Jackson. Nothing to see here. Move along.

posted by DonnaLadd on 03/08/11 at 11:42 AM

Kingfish said...

In my opinion, just because a non-Jacksonian makes note of something negative that either the Hinds BoS or a simliar body does, doesn't necessarily mean he or she's bashing Jackson.

Darryl wasn't bashing Jackson, he was bashing the bonehead decision by the BoS who thought they hired a lawyer, who wasn't a lawyer, and on top of that paid double to the head of a very partisan group.

Donna, I'm surprised you haven't jumped on this lack of transparency and rush job of the redistricting by the BoS, who in this Jacksonian's opinion, is about as inept and ridiculous as our City Council.

posted by RobbieR on 03/08/11 at 01:32 PM

Robbie, please read above. I think it's fine that Darryl criticizes any gov't body; I was responding to his blanket comment about Jackson and Hinds County. I repeat:

"Just thoroughly disgusted by how far Jackson and, by extension, Hinds County continues to reinforce my decision to move away."

I've also said repeatedly that I am disgusted by everything I've heard so far about redistricting in this state, from all partisan points. I'm just back from vacation and haven't had a chance to look closely enough at any specific cases to really address them, and I don't take specific positions until I'm informed enough to. I'll leave that habit to the partisans out there.

It seems clear, though, that some of you would like me and others to cherrypick the situation and just blast Hinds (and I'm guessing Democrats) when it seems clear that the whole mess is full of shenanigans and efforts to control districts all directions. The whole thing disgusts me, and I'm sorry if that statement is too egalitarian for you partisans to handle. I don't really care.

posted by DonnaLadd on 03/08/11 at 01:39 PM

Claims not to know anything about Hinds County Redistricting mess BUT if you happen to criticize it, well, you better criticize all the other counties and parties too or else you need to shut up.

Tell you what happened. Her boy Derrick got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and she doesn't know what to do or say so she blames everyone. Of course, its different when its a Barbour getting a no-bid Katrina contract, then its ok to make that a headline.

Anonymous said...

I thought the comment, I am not up to speed on such matters, was a cop out. I mean the headline reads Hinds County Redistricting. She is the editor right? And all this pro-Jackson support is starting to sound like rhetoric when major issues such as railroading an apparently illegal contract through is OK. I hardly think this is an issue to be nonchalant about. Nor is it recommended to blast a well informed commenter (I think there are like five left) with the attempt to make the discussion appear to be about partisan politics and Jackson bashing. Oh yeah, ignorance is bliss. Straw-man-pot-kettle.

Darryl Hamilton said...

I was the one who posted on the JFP site...initially only to cause the other main newspaper in the area to at least cover the issue. Thought her answers to my comments were cop outs, too. Oh, well... Cheers to Kingfish for keeping the rest of the world literate.

Anonymous said...

Nor is it recommended to blast a well informed commenter (I think there are like five left)....

That made my day....

Anonymous said...

Ladd is a clown.

Anonymous said...

She will not go one on one with anyone, ANYTIME, in a debate. NEVER.

Challenge her fish.

Anonymous said...

Time to leave Jackson and Hinds County!!!!

Anonymous said...

By default or by design Tom Head has a serious problem with reading comprehension.

Kingfish said...

Mr. Head obviously has a reading comprehension problem. This is not the first time he has shown an inability to comprehend basic facts.

Anonymous said...

Is anyone really surprised, in the least, that Ladd and Head see this as no big deal?

Here's one thing I do know. Investigative journalism is DEAD at the JFP. Dead, dead, dead.

Kingfish said...

Here we go. Bubba points out the law and Donna and Tom say ignore the law. You can't make this up.

Hmmm. I'm not familiar with what the law says re: bids, but I think the county owes him the $40,000 whether they can use the district maps or not. If I were hired to write a book and finished it on schedule, I don't think the editor would then be able to legitimately turn around and go "you know, I actually didn't have authority to offer you that contract, so it's null and void."

posted by Tom Head on 03/09/11 at 07:19 AM

Tom- ah big difference in a publishing company legally hiring you to write a book and the BoS violating the law and not taking bids for the contract to do the redistricting work.

posted by BubbaT on 03/09/11 at 07:30 AM

Well, it certainly is different on the board of supervisors' end of things. But from a contract point of view, it seems to me they're a client just like any other; the county agreed to pay $40,000 for these services, they were rendered, and now there's the possibility that it will renege on the deal. The county having internal, procedural reasons to stiff the contractor would not change the fact that the county would be stiffing the contractor. As a non-lawyer, I'm curious as to why the county would not still be liable.

posted by Tom Head on 03/09/11 at 07:50 AM

Ah, Bubba: probably not from Johnson's perspective. As long as his company didn't do anything wrong, I'd guess that he could sue the Board if it reneges on this contract.

As for the NAACP, Tom is right that it has long been a dirty word to some in this state. I do wonder if the people freaking out about this case care as much about what might be happening with redistricting around the state, regardless of whether a black civil-rights activist is involved.

And is it a concern that the person threatening the lawsuits is a major political operative for the "other" side?

Anyone serious about the ethics of redistricting will be concerned regardless of party. I await with curiosity to see how that unfolds.

posted by DonnaLadd on 03/09/11 at 07:51 AM

Anonymous said...

The postings illustrate the train wreck of "dialogue" (because it sure is not intellectual thinking) that goes on over there.

Anonymous said...

The Hinds County BOS thinks they can do what they want. They refused to open a sealed bid that my company mailed in because I was not the correct minority. Their words not mine. I was curious how they knew what type of minority I am because they did not require any documentation. It's time they get investigated and held accountable.

Kingfish said...

Now Ladd is whitewashing the board in Lynch's story today. Public corruption has found a new friend in the local media.

Recent Comments

Search Jackson Jambalaya

Subscribe to JJ's Youtube channel


Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS