Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Robert St. John: Time is Running Out for Independent Restaurants

Check out this week's recipe posted below. 

In a few days I will enter my 40th year in the restaurant business. Just over 33 of those years have been as a restaurant owner. I fell backwards into this business. Though from the first moment of the first shift, of the first day I worked in a restaurant, I knew I wanted to own my own restaurant, and make this line of work my lifelong career. I have loved every challenging moment of it. However, on one afternoon this past April I sat down with my wife, 22-year-old daughter, and 18-year-old son and told them that there was a strong possibility I would lose some, or all, of the six restaurants and two bars we owned in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. In the same conversation, I told them that there was also a strong chance we would have to sell our home.

Over the four decades that have covered my business career I have had many difficult and challenging conversations— with bankers, lawyers, partners, suppliers, and occasionally guests. Though I had never had a conversation as sobering as the one that informed my children that my primary source of income and the house that they grew up in might vanish because of an uncontrollable virus whose path of destruction seemed to be changing daily. Life as we knew it was about to be over on several fronts.

In mid-March we served the last meal at the Purple Parrot Café, the flagship restaurant I opened in 1987. At the time we didn’t know it would be the final meal ever served in that dining room. Then, within a matter of three weeks, almost every independent restaurant was forced to close. Like many of my fellow independent restaurateurs, we did it gladly, out of a patriotic duty to our country, and with a strong desire to ensure the health of the American public.

 In walked the Independent Restaurant Coalition.

One morning I received a text from a friend who told me that there was a group of independent restaurateurs who were planning on getting together to see what they could do to save the industry. I was interested. Actually, I was desperate.

The Independent Restaurant Coalition was born sometime around the middle of March. The first Zoom call I joined was on March 19th. In that meeting there was a stellar group of chefs, owners, sommeliers, managers, and suppliers. They represented independent t entities from Brooklyn to Los Angeles, Portland, to Charleston and even a small-time restaurateur from the Piney Woods of South Mississippi.

In the early days of the pandemic we met twice a day, seven days a week via Zoom. At the time the Paycheck Protection Program seemed as if it was going to be a lifesaver and so we advocated for that, but by the time everyone learned that the virus wasn’t going away by Easter, the collective wisdom at the IRC knew that— even with an extension of PPP benefits— industry-specific legislation targeted to the restaurant industry would be needed if Washington had any hope of saving the 11,000,000 independent restaurant jobs and the 5,000,000 ancillary jobs (farmers, fishermen, suppliers, truckers) that encompass the country’s second largest private employer behind healthcare.

The airline industry had already received industry-specific aid even though they employ a fraction (700,000) of the small business owners who make up the independent restaurant industry, so there was a glimmer of hope.

As the “Two Weeks to Stop the Spread” kept adding weeks, cases skyrocketed, death rates grew, and restaurants began closing permanently, two disparate legislators— from two vastly different regions of the country— Representative Earl Blumenauer (D-OR), and the senior senator from my home state, Senator Roger Wicker (R-MS), chairman of the Commerce Committee introduced complimentary legislation in their respective chambers. By then it was apparent that what had been perceived as a 24-week problem was, at best, and 18-month catastrophe for the independent restaurant industry.

Representative Blumenauer’s House Bill gained scattered bi-partisan support but passed in the House. Senator Wicker’s RESTAURANTS Act gained true, and substantial, bipartisan support in the Senate. I am a firm believer that any time Senator Lindsey Graham, Senator John Cornyn, and Senator Lisa Murkowski join forces with Senator Chuck Schumer, Senator Elizabeth Warren, and Senator, Dick Durbin, there must be merit in that undertaking.

Unfortunately, the national election began to take precedent and it seemed as if neither side wanted to give the other a win. The senate bill stalled. In the meantime, the situation for the 500,000-plus independent restaurants in the United States worsened by the hour. PPP funds began running out, and— as the weather grew colder in certain areas of the country— restaurants that had heretofore limped along by offering outside dining began shuttering their doors, permanently.

That is where we stand today. Across the country, dozens of restaurants are going out of business for good and all, every day. Washington is in a stalemate and the independent restaurant industry is facing Armageddon. One in six restaurants have already closed. It is estimated that another 85% may close permanently. A few weeks ago, we were down 2,000,000 jobs since the initial shutdown, but that number has been snowballing for weeks.

It’s the worst time in the history of the restaurant business to be in the restaurant business, but we are used to adversity.  We restaurateurs aren’t used to asking for anything. We’re in a brutal business. We chose it. We love it. We handle adversity multiple times, daily. The financial crisis of 2008 came and went, our sales tanked, and no one heard a word from us. We deal with hurricanes, tornadoes, and wildfires and, in their aftermath, we just roll our sleeves up and do the work it takes to reopen.

This time it’s different.

Independent restaurant owners need a lifeline during this once-in-a-hundred-years pandemic, and we need it yesterday.

There is a reason that half of the United States Senate— with senior members from both parties— have signed on to the RESTAURANTS Act. They are each keenly aware that the nation’s half a million independent restaurants operate under a unique business model that is tight on cash and short on profit. Unlike most other businesses, restaurants are based on seating capacity. When opening a restaurant, all decisions are based on seating capacity. Actually, the first decision one makes when developing a restaurant concept is to determine the seating capacity, and how many times one feels he or she will be able to turn those seats over during a particular meal period. Seating capacity dictates management budget, general labor budget, loan payment amounts to the bank, furniture, fixtures, equipment, and rent or mortgage payments. It's all based on seating capacity.

If one owns a boutique or a sporting goods store, they may open at 9:00 AM and close at 9:00 PM. All throughout the day customers trickle into the business and purchase their goods. The restaurant business model is much different. A typical restaurant opens at 11:00 AM and we have a tight window from 11:30 AM until 1:00 PM to garner all of the sales we will make during that lunch period. It's an intense, stress-filled, and exciting 90-minute window. It’s the same at dinner, the meat of which typically occurs from 7:00 PM until 8:30 PM. Restaurateurs average about three hours a day for potential sales.

When seating capacity is reduced by 50% for that three-hour sales opportunity it becomes an unworkable business model going forward. I would venture to guess that 80% of restaurants cannot survive under a 50% seating-capacity model for more than a couple of months. Yet we are almost nine months into this pandemic, with no discernable end in sight.

A few more weeks with no revenue will forever shutter most independents. The CARES Act temporarily stopped the bleeding. What congress does next in addressing the precarious comeback of independent restaurants will determine if they— and the 11 million they employ— will exist in the world going forward.

Independent restaurants are the lifeblood of our communities. They are where the community gathers to share a meal. We are also the entry-level industry. When people climb out of government dependence many get their start in restaurants. Independent restaurants breed small business owners. Steve Andrews started working with me as a prep cook in 1987. His wife Stacey joined the team as a hostess. They married and worked their way into management in our company. Since 2011 they have been my business partners and now own one-third of our Italian concept, Tabella. That’s what independent restaurants deliver— the American dream.

Nine months into this pandemic I have permanently closed two of our restaurants and a bar. We aren’t being forced out of business by a natural disaster or a financial crisis. We are being forced to scale back— and in many cases across the country close our doors— by state and local governmental agencies. It’s time that we independent restaurateurs do the thing that we are not used to doing and ask for help. Our survival depends on the swift passage of the RESTAURANTS Act in the Senate. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.

If you own a restaurant. If you work in a restaurant. If you dine restaurants, we need you, and we need you this week. Go to the Independent Restaurant Coalition’s website www.saverestaurants.com and sign our letter. If your congressperson or senator has signed on to our legislation, send them a short thank you note. If your congressperson or senator hasn’t, please ask them to join us and save the nation’s number two employer by singing on to this legislation, today. Time is running out. We are facing the end of the independent restaurant business as America knows it.

Onward.


 Cajun Spiced Nuts

These are great when made in large batches and given as Christmas gifts.

2 Tbl bacon grease or canola oil

2 tsp finely chopped fresh garlic

1 1 /2 cup dry roasted unsalted peanuts

1 cup pecan halves

1 cup walnut pieces

1 cup whole unsalted cashews

1 cup whole unsalted almonds

1 Tbl Creole seasoning

2 tsp salt

1 Tbl sugar

2 tsp black pepper, fresh ground

 

Preheat oven to 175

In a small sauté pan melt the bacon grease over low heat. Add garlic and cook for 3-4 minutes. Do not brown the garlic. Place all nuts in a large mixing bowl. Drizzle the bacon grease and garlic mixture over nuts and toss well to evenly coat.

Sprinkle seasonings over the nuts in small batches, tossing nuts to evenly distribute seasonings.

Pour nuts out onto a large baking sheet pan, and place in the oven. Cook for 45 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.

Remove nuts from oven and allow to completely cool.

Store in an airtight container before serving.

Spiced nuts will hold for 4 -5 days.

Yield: 1 quart

 

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

I will always blame Democrats for pushing for the small business armageddon. As if everyone has a large bank account that can pay for extended forced 'vacation'.

Anonymous said...

The state & nation have screwed up the COVID-19 response.
Now, they are destroying small business.

Anonymous said...

I hope this passes. There is no way restaurants could open safely during the pandemic without reducing capacity to ensure adequate distancing. This is a temporary situation even though the lack of mitigation practices by the general population has made it much worse than it could have been. Restaurants will eventually return to full capacity, and we need to help them survive until things are brought under control.

Helping the independent restaurant owners with things like insurance, utilities, and mortgage payments is the right thing to do when it is government orders that are keeping them from operating like they need to.

Anonymous said...

And a university is paying a guy 21 million not to be their coach any more. What a twisted society we live in.

Anonymous said...

10:11. so the governor, ms legislature, usa president, usa supreme court, usa senate are all just a bunch of liberal democrats? all the big government officials who shut things down are all democrats?

Anonymous said...

Time to grab those bootstraps like the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

@11:56am - All bad things, even those that happen under the GOP’s watch, are the fault of those dang liberal democrats.

Anonymous said...

10:56 AM
Will it still be a 'temporary' situation a year from now? We're already going on 9 months. What is the line in the sand where we face reality and admit this isn't 'temporary'.

11:56 AM
From my recollection it wasn't Republicans calling for lockdowns. It was national Democrats, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS, Vox, Mother Jones among others pushing for it.

Anonymous said...

Poor Robert. What is he gonna do? Get special dispensation from Congress? Check. How about build a new restaurant in Fondren? Check. Promote his non-profit Extra Table in order to reduce his for-profit unit food costs? Check. By the way, we're still waiting on the Governor's COVID business recovery plan that he was part of. Or maybe this is his version.

Anonymous said...

Saw where "The Veranda" one of Starkville's successful restaurants for many years closed down. Bad all over.

Anonymous said...

1:19 Do you think the vaccine that was approved for use last week is ineffective? Unless it is a massive failure then this situation should be straightened out in the U.S. by Summer as the vaccine is widely distributed and cases/deaths drop dramatically.

The line in the sand would be when it is shown there is no realistic potential a treatment or preventative is effective.

Anonymous said...

1:19. You mean the orders from Gov Reeves?

Clearly there’s no USA political party to blame for the virus. It came from China.

However, we can blame our collective government, both R and D, for the worlds worst response to the pandemic. Ignoring it, or “shutting down” to “masks don’t work now they do” to limit gatherings to no gatherings. We’ve done the worst in the world. Period. Bottom line.

Pandemics have come and gone over the entire course of history. Thankfully in our time, vaccines have been developed world wide and are now here. Hopefully for each new pandemic the wait time for a vaccine will be even less. It’s going to happen, not if but when.

And the pandemic will be over when covid has run its course. not any sooner or later than that. no politician can put a timeline on a medical issue.

Anonymous said...

As a small restaurant owner, I must say, I have not been able to get a deep breath since this all started back in March. The first bailout payment was a life saver, but we are in the same boat again. Sure, I can open my doors to some, but many are not coming in. My servers cannot pay their bills and I cannot get a damn kitchen employee that is worth a shit to come in. Its like one deficit after the other. I too prepared my family to lose this home and looked at taking a job anywhere just to make ends meet.
I never ever thought we would be able to endure this as long as we have and its touch and go, each pay period. I work 7 days a week now with less pay, just to keep the doors open. I cannot find any decent employees that will work for a reasonable wage in the back of the house and there is still not light at the end of this tunnel. I once very much enjoyed my job and career and now, still, I feel like we are just going through the motions. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL BUSINESSES, people!

Anonymous said...

11:12

Universities don’t pay $21,000,000 for coaches not to coach. Boosters do. That money would otherwise never make it to the university in the first place. This is an uneducated argument that comes up every time a coach is fired. Do some research and see that you are wrong.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see too many of those "conservative) small business people turning down that government tit when it was offered this year. I guess a small bidnessman is only against guvmint handouts when they go to someone else.

Anonymous said...

10:11, but both the state and local shot callers (Gov and Mayor) involved here are GOP.

It's a f@cking pandemic. People are making decisions not to eat out and others can't afford to. Grow up or get lost.

For the others, please get takeout when you can, and tip all you can.

Spread peace and offer solutions, don't yield to political nonsense.

Anonymous said...

Yep, this is an intentional, and exaggerated tyranny. More to come if that trash out of hell makes it into the White House.

Anonymous said...

1:38, you are a bitter old soul. RSJ has helped more people and given more young folks a start than you ever will. And he writes better also.

Anonymous said...

From what I know about St. John, he is a decent guy, but at the end of the day, I do not agree that restaurant owners - business owners, who chose to open what he himself admits is a particularly difficult business - are any more or less deserving of taxpayer money than airlines, banks, law firms, and myriad other businesses small and large, none of which should have gotten essentially free taxpayer money.

Loans to weather the situation at current market rates (which are low) that had to be paid back, with any possible concession being some moderation of "normal" qualification requirements, is a matter for reasonable debate. Anyone with an ounce of common sense knows any "free money" program will be rife with fraud and abuse and this one was/is.

The bottom line is that decent people can have sympathy for people in St. John's situation but sympathy doesn't mean that taxpayers should provide guarantees to business owners against, much less recompense for, business risks. The low-level workers are a different story. How society addresses that aspect is an admittedly much more complex situation. A decent society doesn't let those who try to work suffer needlessly but no society can survive if it takes from the "will work" and gives it to the "won't work." It seems a lot better use of taxpayer money to temporarily provide basic sustenance to those who were working and want to work but cannot versus those who took a business risk, enjoyed the returns until things changed and now, want their formally-elevated lifestyle subsidized (I'm not saying that is St. John). I will observe that much of St. John's writing involves his better-than-average lifestyle (travel, gracious entertaining in a very nice home, etc., which he earned), but if those who had the means to plan for setbacks but chose to do other things, it is hard to gin up much sympathy and impossible to agree with any taxpayer funded "rescue."

Anonymous said...

Open up everything. Those who fear for their lives are feel vulnerable should stay home. Your choice.
The lockdown may well be the biggest contributing factor to severe infections. Vitamin D from direct sunlight had a positive effect in 100% of respiratory tract infections in pre-wuhan studies- with an overall 70% reduction in respiratory infections altogether. Increasing your levels of vitamin D is essential for your immune system. About 90% of Americans have a magnesium deficiency and the number is almost as large for zinc. This does not mean you will not catch the virus but it almost certainly means you will weather it better. Not a doctor but a few months of peak mineral and vitamin supplementation might be a wise preventative step. 1 hour of direct sunlight- max dosage of vit d, c, magnesium, b complex and chelated zinc. Steam inhalation and nasal rinsing not a bad idea either. Have a plan for therapeutics in the event you do test positive. Do not wait to find out how your GP would confront a positive test or symptoms. Have an alternative doctor if they don’t have a plan and answer for you. We can not be shut down for every scary health threat. Regain your liberty.

Anonymous said...

The people who intentionally violated the public health laws and refused to wear masks killed the restaurant industry. If there had been compliances like all other countries this would have been over last summer.

Anonymous said...

Government virus policy has disproportionally hurt local restaurants. So, government response and help should go them first. Not multi-national corporations who will weather the storm.

Anonymous said...

@ 1:56. The vaccine is 95% effective at reducing symptoms. It does NOT prevent infection or transmission. It merely can help ease us towards herd immunity, but don’t expect a return to normal anytime soon.

Anonymous said...

Robert is an o.k. guy and certainly has good intentions. To make his case better would he be willing to reveal how his business was performing 2-3 years ago? I understand the situation is serious today, but how was his restaurants doing before this crisis? Does Robert own all "his" restaurants or does he just have a management agreement? If you are looking for support, transparency is a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Eh, what if the vaccine is a big failure? What then? It is an experimental thing. It is 2020, but even Elon Musk's new spaceships have spectacular failures. Time will tell. Not to be a big buzzkill, but the thought should at least be entertained (Hope for the best, prepare for the worst).

Anonymous said...

I agree that Robert is a nice guy... however... riding the high wave and traveling the world every year during the good times doesn't afford the luxury of bailouts when times get tough. Tough. Join the ranks.

Anonymous said...

ICU beds are full across the state. God forbid someone is in an accident and needs one. All because some morons don’t wanna social distance, wear a mask etc. Here’s a thought, and I’m just spitballing here but hear me out. You don’t have to sit down in the restaurant and put yourself and others at risk. Instead, order for pickup and carry out. I tried it and to my surprise all restaurants this far have let me do it. Who would’ve thought you could support small business and stay safe. We don’t have to shut down after all.

Anonymous said...

4.01 is right you know.

Anonymous said...

Looks like Mitch McConnell is coming around and there might be relief at the end of week. Got to get money to small businesses even though it violates my Free Market philosophy.

My wife and 2 teenagers eat out 3 times every week, and I can tell you that the restaurants (if open dining) in North Jackson and South Madison County are ghost towns. If we see 2-3 other people we are surprised.

People are scared.

Anonymous said...

So of you asses have no idea what RSJ has done for so many OTHER small restauranteers in Hattiesburg A lot of what he is asking is on their behalf, be he has the name recognition. So he travels to Europe. So what?

Anonymous said...

I went over to Flowood two days ago to shop for a special gift item. In all the strip mall parking lots, and there are a lot of them, I was floored at the scant number of vehicles. This time last year and for fifteen years earlier, almost every parking spot would be full...and we'd be circling the lot over and over hoping an spot would open up. Shops large and small will be closing if they have not already.

In Madison, Bonefish is struggling big-time, nothing but the drive thrus are prospering. Can't believe the people who still venture into McAllisters as if no Covid exists. And Half Shell is thriving, but the novelty is still brand new, and how long will it last? Not long. Plywood futures are where it's at!

Anonymous said...

No one forces you to gamble, my business is having a hard time too. Fortunately we saved for a rainy day and we have good credit and a great banker. This is simply welfare for wealthy people , I don’t want anything to do with it.

Anonymous said...

If we can bail out the airlines we can do something to help the restaurant industry. The shutdowns have been insane. I hear all of this talk about masks and social distancing (I honor both) but the reality is people NOT washing their hands is a much bigger issue. Yes, simple hand washing would do more to save lives and cut down on the spread of illnesses of many flavors - including COVID-19.

People don’t wash their hands. See it all of the time. So please spare me the mask whining and social distancing crying. Dirty hands do the most damage anywhere. COVID-19 or no COVID-19.

Anonymous said...

1:56 PM
That remains to be seen. My pet prediction is that it's as effective as the flu vaccine. That is it's effective, but the rate at which viruses mutate is so much faster than bacteria as bacteria is a cellular organsim versus raw RNA of a virus. I believe the current COVID strain is mutated enough that it's not 1:1 as what came over last year. I mean it's had close to a year to mutate.

Anonymous said...

I could support no bailouts. But I can't support bailing out big corporate donors and leaving little locals to rot, especially since the government is what killed them. Ideally, we would open up and those with health issues can stay home.

Anonymous said...

8:35 We'll see what the real-world results are, but widespread phase 3 testing of tens of thousands of people in multiple countries over the past three months have yielded the 95% effectiveness rate. The vaccine was based on the DNA sequence published in February, so if it was mutating very quickly and making the vaccine unreliable then you would think the success rate would be much lower.

Of course the bigger issue is if there is a strain that mutates to where the vaccine is ineffective then we will be right back to where we are now as it spreads rapidly until a modified vaccine can be produced and distributed. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Anonymous said...

8:21 We should never have bailed out the airlines. We shouldn't have bailed out GM. We certainly should not have bailed out the Post Office (repeatedly) either.

People, and most private business, are smart enough to survive these storms. Yes, there will be some closures - maybe even a higher percentage of suicides - but people and innovation will usually find a way to persevere.

We cannot afford to solve everyone's problems by throwing more money at them all the time.

Anonymous said...

Well written letter. I sympathize with small business owners, especially in Democrat run states.

Anonymous said...

The government gives a pass to big business while shutting down churches, restaurants and small mom and pop operations. Yet Walmart, Target, Home Depot and Lowes keep filling the parking lot.

Makes you think your government is trying to shut you down.

Anonymous said...

9:59 AM
Call me overly cautious or paranoid, but we don't have any idea what long term side effects (if any) of this vaccine. I mean you know how cancer happens? Mutations to DNA wether via UV (melanoma), Fossil Fuels (lung, non-Hodgkin lymphoma, soft tissue sarcoma, skin, bladder, breast, esophagus, larynx, multiple myeloma and prostate cancers; suspected but not proven yet) and ingesting wildlife that has ingested oil (hello Deepwater Horizon). So I wouldn't be surprised if in 15 years or so we have a new breed of cancer and in another 10 years it's linked back.

To your second paragraph I expect it will turn into another Flu season.

Anonymous said...

3:27 - I'm not going to refer to you as overly cautious or paranoid, just wildly imaginative.

Anonymous said...

Robert should have been working to figure out a plan instead of vacationing in Europe for 3 weeks a year and taking road trips across the country with his wife. I can’t feel sorry for someone that travels sooo much then wants a bail out. I own small businesses and I saved money, got thrifty and figured it out. Robert knows the business; he knows the risk, Bon Appetit!

Anonymous said...

Joel Osteen's mega-church received $4.4 million in PPP money. Google it. He travels around in jets an awful lot too. Will he be asking for more free gubment money?

Anonymous said...

5:12 RSJ also got PPP money. What's your point?

Are you suggesting that EVERYONE should get a pass, TRAVEL ALOT... and get MORE $$$?

Anonymous said...

@5:12..Joel Osteen said God told him he deserved the money. I promise much more $$$ have been squandered on worse...all borrowed.

Who do the majority of small & medium businesses vote for & support. Someone told me years ago, & but it's gotten more convoluted now because there's no difference...If You actually Pay Taxes, You have to vote Conservative...if You end up receiving other people's money OPM back instead of paying & living off the system, you're gonna vote Democrat.

But on the Religious note...

Find the true prophet...I have examined many Religions & Disciples of those & none come close as.....Pastor Creflo Dollar - Jesus Wants Me to Have This Jet

Pastor Creflo Dollar has spoken to God, & God wanted him to buy a new $65 million Gulfstream G650 jet after his vintage 1984-build Gulfstream III private jet (msn 418 / N103CD) suffered a runway accident while spreading God's word in Remote Religion Famished England.  His congregation, thus far, had obliged his every whim.

“A long-range, high-speed, intercontinental jet aircraft is a tool that is necessary in order to fulfill the mission of the ministry,”

But when god didn't immediately bless him with this regal chariot, Pastor Dollar didn't turn his back on God...instead he continued trudging along flying 1st class commercial with an occasional private charter.  Pastor Dollar never lost his faith & God rewarded his faithful Prophet Creflo with one of the then highly sought after regal flying chariots.

Thats real faith!


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Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

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Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS
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