This amusing little screed against Whole Foods appeared on the Huffington Post:
As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they're basically the same.
The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother," which makes it that much creepier.
Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don't meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you've really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I'm saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.
Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world.... Rest of the essay
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Taking your money while making you ugly?
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Trollfest '09
Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.
Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).
Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.
Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".
In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.
In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.
Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.
Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).
Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.
Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".
In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.
In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.
Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.
Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
Trollfest '07
Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.
There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.
If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.
If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
52 comments:
Ya know--contrary to what my friends think I have no axe to grind w Whole Foods--I just simply don't get it--I can certainly afford to shop there--but the reason I can afford to it is cause I DON'T shop there--I guess I'm just a member of the great unwashed--
Whole Foods is the reason Jack-troit's crime rate is 'falling'. Right?
I've never set foot in a Whole Foods store and cannot envision any scenario that would compel me to. I tend to be rather concrete on what and where I spend my money. As an example, I've lived 46 years on this planet and have yet to own or desire a cell phone or anything sold at Buffalo Peak. Frankly, Whole Foods seems to me to be hangout for uberdouche foodies and pampered housefraus. However, if they have organic, kosher pork rinds, let me know.
Great comments and I couldn't agree more. I, too, am a member of the great unwashed and I'm not an uberdouche foody or pampered housefraus. You folks have made my day.
I'm no HuffPo fan but I did laugh at "I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions"
and 1:26, I'm dumbfounded that another human on this earth doesn't own a cell phone. Thought I was the only one left.
Neither does Nader.
laugh and scoff as you may. The people I know who were chronically ill and developed rashes for no other reason but left all that behind when they excluded gluten from their diet will suffer your skepticism for their new-found health.
Homeless Enoch Sanders has two cell phones.
I have no particular use for Whole Foods, but I feel reasonably confident that the above commenters all have their own place to shop that seems irrelevant to other people.
I guess I don't understand the resentment. It's America. People can buy what they want, where they want.
But Nader drives a Volvo like some of Kingfish's fans.
Stay away from Buffalo Peak. Instead visit Buffalo Wild Wings and Twin Peaks. Treat yourselves to wings and breasts.
The funniest/saddest part is reading the entire article and then scrolling down to read the HuffPo comments. People were actually offended that someone would satirize their dietary constraints.
And before my comment could post, 1:53 proves my point. How I do love irony.
um, my problem is that the fish corner stinks so bad it makes me want to throw up! I (from a distance holding my nose) watched all of these happy campers selecting their catch of the day from this pile of rotting fish acting as though they hadn't noticed the smell of very old fish in the air! yikes! New Orleans here I come for my whole foods fix!
The only thing I can say about Buffalo peak is their customer service is impeccable. Yes their prices may be on the high side, but I don't mind paying more for their service. It is nice to have a specialty type shop locally; therefore, I try to support them.
Paul Anthony has better groceries.
I'm a Rainbow Co-op girl myself. Great customer service. Been there for 30+ years.
Kennuf said Whole Foods killed da mayor......
A specialty shop? You must be one of those people who dress to appear to be adventurous. With the exception of a few basic hiking supplies, Buffalo Peak has not been a true 'outfitter' for years.
Kennuf went to Whole Foods, the face meter declared him a -11,210, tried to sell him some face goop, he bought it and thought it was french onion dip. He ate it with his Ruffles, then felt strange, drove to da mayor's and burped and da mayor fell dead. "Nuff said.
I love Whole Food for this reason. I have a relative who has Celiac disease. It heart breaking watching kids gobbling down cake, cookies, brownies while my relative have to avoid eating this wheat rich food. Whole Food has a wonderful selection of gluten free food. Thank You Whole Food & to the rest of you go shop at Joe's Stop & Shop.
The lamb chops looked good. Couldn't find anything else in the store worth noting.
I rode past Whole Foods the other day. It didn't look impressive to me from the outside. I haven't been inside, because I'm one of them poor azz white boys who live on the other side of the gates in Madison. I can only afford to go to Kroger, Wal-Mart, or Piggy Wiggly.
It's a mighty slow news season, when everyone has nothing better to kvetch about other than a harmless upscale boutique grocery store. I have said it before, and shall again: "Don't like it, don't shop there."
I, for one, Ophelia, don't believe you have said that before. 'Cause if you HAD said it before you would have said it here since you put all your nutty thoughts here.
Whether the place is 'harmless' remains to be seen. Kvetch that.
I wasn't aware that Whole Foods had exclusive rights to "gluten free" items in the Jackson area. If they do, they need to get their lawyers out in force to stop the many stores in the Metro that advertise and sell "gluten free" products, and sell them for much less.
Reply to 8:40 PM Other grocery stores do carry a handful gluten free items. But, that like doing your grocery shopping in a convenience store as opposed to Kroger. Whole Foods is the Kroger of Gluten free items. But, who an I to judge. Maybe, you do, do all your grocery shopping at a 7-11. Also, research is pointing toward a Gluten free diet will prevent Alzheimer's disease.
Johnny Weir - next time get a native English-speaker to proof read your stuff before you post. Grammar, punctuation, and all that good stuff counts when trying to communicate with people.
Well, hell, he did go to the trouble to bold it and underline it.
Celiac disease is the most overblown fashionable bullshit wealthy neurotic bunch of somatic crap I have ever seen. So what if you have antibodies to gluten, you have the same to about ever other antigenic protein you have ever encountered. Nothing but a money making scam by the likes of dr phil and oz. Funny how you never see ANYONE with medicaid diagnosed with celiac. Gluten free bread tastes like shit. Wheat is the reason we have any culture you fools. Try a paleo diet and I hope you don't shit for a month.
^^^ Candidate for post of the month!
I wonder how many getting crazy checks are diagnosed with celiac and ADHD, another mythical affliction.
I guess 6:48 am doesn't believe in auto-immune disease.
I wish he would tell this to the pathologists who have examined the dead organ parts removed from my body!
If I'd only known my doctors were quacks and all I had to do was give away my money or take a " happy pill" for my neurosis to keep my organs functioning!
Imagine all the pain I could have avoided!
Yes, there are those who self-diagnose and suffer from hypochondria. I've even met quite a few who weren't wealthy. But, I like their flaws better than 6:48 am's. Pitiful is better than mean and arrogant.
7:52, you better get those yogapants on, Butterfly is about to start another session for newbies.
8:40, you nailed it to the wall.
And the ones that came after... thanks so much. Its been a while since something tickled me so much and I've just laughed out loud.
I'm just glad I haven't had to have any dead organs removed. How many are optional anyway?
i can advise shoppers to avoid the "100% beef patty" hamburger (a real steal @ $9) and the $2 peaches from chile....also stay away from the tastele$$ plums
been there 3 times now, won't be back...
Oh, my, oh my! Why the kerfuffle about celiac disease, lactose intolerance (real or imaginary) and such? It's like a controlled science experiment in high school, really---if you have tummy trouble, try eliminating wheat...then eliminate dairy...if you feel better, keep avoiding it, if you're still feelin' crummy, put 'em back in your diet. And all is well in this best of all possible worlds! I can't see how Whore Foods is a bad or a good thing, in and of itself...just shop or don't shop, and shut up...there...nutty comment for you, dear 6:19...
Feel-Ya: Is that another of your famous faux pas @ 'Whore Foods?
It's like a controlled science experiment in high school, really---if you have tummy trouble, try eliminating wheat...then eliminate dairy...if you feel better, keep avoiding it, if you're still feelin' crummy, put 'em back in your diet.
Are you advising using common sense?
That's rare today.
Three things real quick.
1. Regardless of what you may thing about Whole Foods, the HP story was funny.
2. Is Enoch Sanders still around? Oh, how I miss Enoch Speaks and The Struggles Continues! Is he on public access or what?
3. While I'm not a Buffalo Peak shopper, how can you Madisonians kvetch about that place when you've got the likes of Circle 7 in your city?
It appears I am missing some point that is still to be made. Why all the fuss about Whole Foods? Every other major city in the US has at least one. If you don't like it, don't shop there. I have visited the Kroger seafood department, bought food, and upon getting home, found live and/or dead bugs in my food. Hence my dislike for Krogers. I got food poisoning from MCDades. Don't go there either.
Points To Ponder:
That's bullshit about bugs in your Kroger seafood. Offer proof.
There is no Circle 7 in Madison or Madison County or The Metro or maybe even in Mississippi. So, you're an idiot.
Address for Circle 7 in Madison:
100 Mannsdale Park Dr, Madison, MS 39110 Phone: (601) 856-3131
So now, who's an idiot?
Tone the comments down. Y'all are getting out of hand. Cussing each other out over this piece? Really?
Kingfish the Madisonite Fleebags can't stand the reality that our new store is so far exceeding sales expectations by 23%. Runs them crazy when something good happens in the city we chose to locate in.
Sent your comment along 8:06 AM to Whole Foods corporate.
8:06, aka "Whole Foods Employee". thank you for taking the time to insult potential customers ('fleebags').
You know, when you read the full article (overpriced, rudeness, etc), then go to that one comment, from "Whole Foods Employee" well, that's just hilarious.
Eat your country hearts out. We are winners.
Points to Ponder said: "There is no Circle 7 in Madison or Madison County or The Metro or maybe even in Mississippi. So, you're an idiot. "
Before you call someone an idiot you should really try checking your facts.
Circle 7 is in Madison next to St Joe's HS and the Beagle Bagel.
The day they went on the air JT and Dave had a live remore broadcast to publicize the place. I remember this because I called in that day to correct one of Dave's erroneous statements. He insulted and belittled me over the air despite being wrong, which was typical behavior for him.
Shirtly after that he was no longer employed. Maybe Whole FOods Employee should contemplate the possible connection between publicly insulting customers and staying employed. Thank you 9:10 for bringing his post to the attention of WF corporate.
What have you won?
You silly Chris McDaniel types don't shop at my store anyway. Piglet Wigley is much more to your liking.
Thank you, Whole Foods Employee, for being the perfect public example of this particular company and tossing in your political standpoint as well. Under the current circumstances, can't tell whether you're a democrat or a demopublican. tomato...tomAto...
Namaste.
You guys need hobbies.
Whole Foods stock price plunged 19% yesterday:
http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304655304579548343382157608?mod=cxense#cxrecs_s
Time for more jokes?
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