Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Taking your money while making you ugly?

This amusing little screed against Whole Foods appeared on the Huffington Post:


As the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss; the land of hemp milk and honey. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods; they're basically the same.

The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha -- 42 different kinds of rotten tea. Fun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for 'I gizzed in your tea.' Anyone who's ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I'm talking about. I believe this thing is called "The Mother," which makes it that much creepier.

Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don't meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you've really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I'm saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.

Next I approach the beauty aisle. There is a scary looking machine there that you put your face inside of and it tells you exactly how ugly you are. They calculate your wrinkles, sun spots, the size of your pores, etc. and compare it to other women your age. I think of myself attractive but as it turns out, I am 78 percent ugly, meaning less pretty than 78 percent of women in the world.... Rest of the essay

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ya know--contrary to what my friends think I have no axe to grind w Whole Foods--I just simply don't get it--I can certainly afford to shop there--but the reason I can afford to it is cause I DON'T shop there--I guess I'm just a member of the great unwashed--

Anonymous said...

Whole Foods is the reason Jack-troit's crime rate is 'falling'. Right?

Anonymous said...

I've never set foot in a Whole Foods store and cannot envision any scenario that would compel me to. I tend to be rather concrete on what and where I spend my money. As an example, I've lived 46 years on this planet and have yet to own or desire a cell phone or anything sold at Buffalo Peak. Frankly, Whole Foods seems to me to be hangout for uberdouche foodies and pampered housefraus. However, if they have organic, kosher pork rinds, let me know.

Anonymous said...

Great comments and I couldn't agree more. I, too, am a member of the great unwashed and I'm not an uberdouche foody or pampered housefraus. You folks have made my day.

I'm no HuffPo fan but I did laugh at "I'm not rich enough to have dietary restrictions"

and 1:26, I'm dumbfounded that another human on this earth doesn't own a cell phone. Thought I was the only one left.

Kingfish said...

Neither does Nader.

Anonymous said...

laugh and scoff as you may. The people I know who were chronically ill and developed rashes for no other reason but left all that behind when they excluded gluten from their diet will suffer your skepticism for their new-found health.

Anonymous said...

Homeless Enoch Sanders has two cell phones.

Anonymous said...

I have no particular use for Whole Foods, but I feel reasonably confident that the above commenters all have their own place to shop that seems irrelevant to other people.

I guess I don't understand the resentment. It's America. People can buy what they want, where they want.

Anonymous said...

But Nader drives a Volvo like some of Kingfish's fans.

Stay away from Buffalo Peak. Instead visit Buffalo Wild Wings and Twin Peaks. Treat yourselves to wings and breasts.

Claire Underwood said...

The funniest/saddest part is reading the entire article and then scrolling down to read the HuffPo comments. People were actually offended that someone would satirize their dietary constraints.

Claire Underwood said...

And before my comment could post, 1:53 proves my point. How I do love irony.

Anonymous said...

um, my problem is that the fish corner stinks so bad it makes me want to throw up! I (from a distance holding my nose) watched all of these happy campers selecting their catch of the day from this pile of rotting fish acting as though they hadn't noticed the smell of very old fish in the air! yikes! New Orleans here I come for my whole foods fix!

Anonymous said...

The only thing I can say about Buffalo peak is their customer service is impeccable. Yes their prices may be on the high side, but I don't mind paying more for their service. It is nice to have a specialty type shop locally; therefore, I try to support them.

Anonymous said...

Paul Anthony has better groceries.

Kay Jerome said...

I'm a Rainbow Co-op girl myself. Great customer service. Been there for 30+ years.

Anonymous said...

Kennuf said Whole Foods killed da mayor......

Anonymous said...

A specialty shop? You must be one of those people who dress to appear to be adventurous. With the exception of a few basic hiking supplies, Buffalo Peak has not been a true 'outfitter' for years.

Anonymous said...

Kennuf went to Whole Foods, the face meter declared him a -11,210, tried to sell him some face goop, he bought it and thought it was french onion dip. He ate it with his Ruffles, then felt strange, drove to da mayor's and burped and da mayor fell dead. "Nuff said.

Johnny Weir said...

I love Whole Food for this reason. I have a relative who has Celiac disease. It heart breaking watching kids gobbling down cake, cookies, brownies while my relative have to avoid eating this wheat rich food. Whole Food has a wonderful selection of gluten free food. Thank You Whole Food & to the rest of you go shop at Joe's Stop & Shop.

Anonymous said...

The lamb chops looked good. Couldn't find anything else in the store worth noting.

Micah Gober said...

I rode past Whole Foods the other day. It didn't look impressive to me from the outside. I haven't been inside, because I'm one of them poor azz white boys who live on the other side of the gates in Madison. I can only afford to go to Kroger, Wal-Mart, or Piggy Wiggly.

Ophelia said...

It's a mighty slow news season, when everyone has nothing better to kvetch about other than a harmless upscale boutique grocery store. I have said it before, and shall again: "Don't like it, don't shop there."

Anonymous said...

I, for one, Ophelia, don't believe you have said that before. 'Cause if you HAD said it before you would have said it here since you put all your nutty thoughts here.

Whether the place is 'harmless' remains to be seen. Kvetch that.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't aware that Whole Foods had exclusive rights to "gluten free" items in the Jackson area. If they do, they need to get their lawyers out in force to stop the many stores in the Metro that advertise and sell "gluten free" products, and sell them for much less.

Johnny Weir said...

Reply to 8:40 PM Other grocery stores do carry a handful gluten free items. But, that like doing your grocery shopping in a convenience store as opposed to Kroger. Whole Foods is the Kroger of Gluten free items. But, who an I to judge. Maybe, you do, do all your grocery shopping at a 7-11. Also, research is pointing toward a Gluten free diet will prevent Alzheimer's disease.

Anonymous said...

Johnny Weir - next time get a native English-speaker to proof read your stuff before you post. Grammar, punctuation, and all that good stuff counts when trying to communicate with people.

Anonymous said...

Well, hell, he did go to the trouble to bold it and underline it.

Anonymous said...

Celiac disease is the most overblown fashionable bullshit wealthy neurotic bunch of somatic crap I have ever seen. So what if you have antibodies to gluten, you have the same to about ever other antigenic protein you have ever encountered. Nothing but a money making scam by the likes of dr phil and oz. Funny how you never see ANYONE with medicaid diagnosed with celiac. Gluten free bread tastes like shit. Wheat is the reason we have any culture you fools. Try a paleo diet and I hope you don't shit for a month.

From The Nervous Hospital said...

^^^ Candidate for post of the month!

I wonder how many getting crazy checks are diagnosed with celiac and ADHD, another mythical affliction.

Anonymous said...

I guess 6:48 am doesn't believe in auto-immune disease.
I wish he would tell this to the pathologists who have examined the dead organ parts removed from my body!
If I'd only known my doctors were quacks and all I had to do was give away my money or take a " happy pill" for my neurosis to keep my organs functioning!
Imagine all the pain I could have avoided!
Yes, there are those who self-diagnose and suffer from hypochondria. I've even met quite a few who weren't wealthy. But, I like their flaws better than 6:48 am's. Pitiful is better than mean and arrogant.

Anonymous said...

7:52, you better get those yogapants on, Butterfly is about to start another session for newbies.

Anonymous said...

8:40, you nailed it to the wall.

And the ones that came after... thanks so much. Its been a while since something tickled me so much and I've just laughed out loud.

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad I haven't had to have any dead organs removed. How many are optional anyway?

Anonymous said...

i can advise shoppers to avoid the "100% beef patty" hamburger (a real steal @ $9) and the $2 peaches from chile....also stay away from the tastele$$ plums

been there 3 times now, won't be back...

Ophelia said...

Oh, my, oh my! Why the kerfuffle about celiac disease, lactose intolerance (real or imaginary) and such? It's like a controlled science experiment in high school, really---if you have tummy trouble, try eliminating wheat...then eliminate dairy...if you feel better, keep avoiding it, if you're still feelin' crummy, put 'em back in your diet. And all is well in this best of all possible worlds! I can't see how Whore Foods is a bad or a good thing, in and of itself...just shop or don't shop, and shut up...there...nutty comment for you, dear 6:19...

6:19 said...

Feel-Ya: Is that another of your famous faux pas @ 'Whore Foods?

Anonymous said...

It's like a controlled science experiment in high school, really---if you have tummy trouble, try eliminating wheat...then eliminate dairy...if you feel better, keep avoiding it, if you're still feelin' crummy, put 'em back in your diet.

Are you advising using common sense?

That's rare today.

Anonymous said...

Three things real quick.
1. Regardless of what you may thing about Whole Foods, the HP story was funny.
2. Is Enoch Sanders still around? Oh, how I miss Enoch Speaks and The Struggles Continues! Is he on public access or what?
3. While I'm not a Buffalo Peak shopper, how can you Madisonians kvetch about that place when you've got the likes of Circle 7 in your city?

Anonymous said...

It appears I am missing some point that is still to be made. Why all the fuss about Whole Foods? Every other major city in the US has at least one. If you don't like it, don't shop there. I have visited the Kroger seafood department, bought food, and upon getting home, found live and/or dead bugs in my food. Hence my dislike for Krogers. I got food poisoning from MCDades. Don't go there either.

Points To Ponder said...

Points To Ponder:

That's bullshit about bugs in your Kroger seafood. Offer proof.

There is no Circle 7 in Madison or Madison County or The Metro or maybe even in Mississippi. So, you're an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Address for Circle 7 in Madison:

100 Mannsdale Park Dr, Madison, MS 39110 Phone: (601) 856-3131

So now, who's an idiot?

Kingfish said...

Tone the comments down. Y'all are getting out of hand. Cussing each other out over this piece? Really?

Whole Foods Employee said...

Kingfish the Madisonite Fleebags can't stand the reality that our new store is so far exceeding sales expectations by 23%. Runs them crazy when something good happens in the city we chose to locate in.

Anonymous said...

Sent your comment along 8:06 AM to Whole Foods corporate.

Anonymous said...

8:06, aka "Whole Foods Employee". thank you for taking the time to insult potential customers ('fleebags').

You know, when you read the full article (overpriced, rudeness, etc), then go to that one comment, from "Whole Foods Employee" well, that's just hilarious.

Whole Foods Employee said...

Eat your country hearts out. We are winners.

Anonymous said...

Points to Ponder said: "There is no Circle 7 in Madison or Madison County or The Metro or maybe even in Mississippi. So, you're an idiot. "

Before you call someone an idiot you should really try checking your facts.

Circle 7 is in Madison next to St Joe's HS and the Beagle Bagel.

The day they went on the air JT and Dave had a live remore broadcast to publicize the place. I remember this because I called in that day to correct one of Dave's erroneous statements. He insulted and belittled me over the air despite being wrong, which was typical behavior for him.

Shirtly after that he was no longer employed. Maybe Whole FOods Employee should contemplate the possible connection between publicly insulting customers and staying employed. Thank you 9:10 for bringing his post to the attention of WF corporate.

Anonymous said...

What have you won?

Whole Foods Employee said...

You silly Chris McDaniel types don't shop at my store anyway. Piglet Wigley is much more to your liking.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Whole Foods Employee, for being the perfect public example of this particular company and tossing in your political standpoint as well. Under the current circumstances, can't tell whether you're a democrat or a demopublican. tomato...tomAto...

Namaste.

Jim Rice said...

You guys need hobbies.

Anonymous said...

Whole Foods stock price plunged 19% yesterday:

http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304655304579548343382157608?mod=cxense#cxrecs_s

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In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.


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If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

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