Thursday, June 21, 2018

Ridgeland approves Costco Gas Station

Never let it be said that Ridgeland is a quitter.  The Board of Alderman approved a Costco gas station this week. The Mississippi Business Journal reported:

The Ridgeland Board of Aldermen voted 4-3 Tuesday night to move forward with a site plan allowing a Costco Wholesale Store fueling station...

the board approved the station, which would use slightly more than two acres of a nine-acre parcel.... Rest of the article.
 Meanwhile, a court battle began on May 21 when several Ridgeland Residents sued Ridgeland in Madison County Circuit Court.  The lawsuit is posted below.  The complaint accuses Ridgeland violating its own ordinances by enacting a moratorium against storage units while specifically helping the Costco gas station. The case was assigned to Judge William Chapman.



79 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why have zoning laws?

Why own a house in Ridgeland if they can spot zone all around you?

This is Jackson North by 2030.

Anonymous said...

Planning and Zoning is very well defined in Mississippi law. Few cities follow the law and will lose in court if people push it far enough.

Anonymous said...

I want to put a strip club/adult bookstore on a Highland Colony lot just across from the entrance to Dinsmor.

It'll bring in a ton of money! That said, I'm certain I can count on the votes of my aldermen.

Cynical Sam said...

Costco rep: We will never forget your support. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Mayor: Thank you.

Anonymous said...

9:23 - doesn't appear to be any spot zoning here, not the two acres for the fueling station. Looks to me like the site was already zoned appropriately for a fueling station - that the city has not made any changes on this tract.

Think maybe the Dinsmore residents doubled down once too much and now get the fuel station even closer to their stuccoed homes. And - pay a couple of their neighbors lots of dollars to fight their battles to an eventual loss.

Anonymous said...

9:57
So, StorageMax was planning on putting a facility there, but, the Mayor and Aldermen of Ridgeland (after being severely slapped by the Supreme Court) decided that now was the time declare a moratorium on storage facilities. Just in time to provide Costco with a gas station location. Nothing shady about that, right?

Louis LeFleur said...

9:57, I believe you mean faux stucco, don't you?

Anonymous said...

for the one millionth time.....there is no such thing as fake stucco. there is stucco, plaster, EIFS, etc. but there is no such thing as fake stucco. you defeat your purpose and look like the idiot. in addition, what you refer to as fake stucco is actually a far superior building product, which helps create energy efficiency in the home. its basically the difference between a land line and your iphone. it's newer (in development of building materials) materials with superior qualities. again, you look like an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Most of the houses in Dinsmor are >80% brick. You should pick an example that doesn't make you look like an idiot instead of attempting to make a point with a building material you know nothing about (see @10:36's correction) and the name of a neighborhood you happen to have heard of. Have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

10:36, it’s not about EIFS (what the layperson refers to as fake stucco) being a better or worse construction material. It’s about being not only an obviously cheaper alternative to stucco but also ugly as balls.

Anonymous said...

I'm personally glad a Costco is coming...#1 There are no Drug Stores or
Pharmacies on the West Side in Ridgeland; #2) No Gas Stations #3) Tired of
my tax dollars going to Jackson and Madison when I need things.

So if Costco doesn't come...would the Plaintiffs be opposed to a Walgreen's
or some other type of Retail establishment being built?

Anonymous said...

9:54 AM - That is a great idea. I wouldn't have to drive so far to go toy shopping.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad they listened, I told them no gas, no membership for me. Gotta pizza and gas or it ain't Costco!

Greased Palm said...

at 9:23 AM
A few well placed "dead presidents" can work wonders.

Anonymous said...

Since initial zoning when Highland Colony Parkway was in the planning stages this property has been zoned to allow a fueling station such as proposed by Costco. The city has done nothing to make an adjustment for the benefit of Costco on this piece of property. What the city did do is change zoning so that a multi-story storage facility can't be built on it, something the same people who are screaming about the fuel station objected to. Apparently they think HCP should never be developed and the briars and brambles are something they enjoy viewing. The short sighted few who filed the initial lawsuit never took into consideration that Costco would opt for an offsite fuel station. Now they realize that instead of the fuel station being tucked on the back side of the property near the interstate and out of site of HCP they will have to deal with it being directly on HCP. Perhaps they will ask the Supreme Court to reconsider and allow the fuel station on the original site. Yea, big fat chance. MMTS or TSDS people!

Anonymous said...

11:07am...stucco isn't more expensive than EIFS. You MAY actually pay a little more for it in the end, but that is because of the labor involved in putting it on, nothing to do with quality or the materials. Stucco takes more time, is less effective, deteriorates exponentially faster, less efficient, etc. it is far inferior. you just think it is better because you are trying to insult. keep on thinking you are insulting, when in reality you (if you like stucco) are the sucker. that would be par for the course though for anyone dumb enough to pay taxes to the city of jackson.

Anonymous said...

LeFlower - Turn your cap around. There is no such thing as false stucco. It is what it is.

Anonymous said...

Come on people....does everyone know about Costco's famous $1.50 hot dog/drink special? I'm sold. Can't wait to have one! BUILD BUILD BUILD.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit! The Ridgeland Builder's Association showed up and started acting like drunk fat parents at a Tennessee girls' softball game!

I know it's your livelihood and you live and die by this stupid shit, but nobody else gives a crap about the distinction between real stucco or fake stucco or straight stucco or gay stucco or EIFS stucco or LBGTQ stucco. It matters to maybe three people here, and all three of you are pissing in everyone's Cheerios.

Geez! You people all need to lighten up and talk about things that actually matter, like discount pizza at Costco.

Anonymous said...

What about all those dullards who've been saying there were only a handful of people who disapproved of the filling station? You can add three sensible aldermen to that number.

Simplify my life said...

PTL. Now Mama can fill up the Surburban AND get a 48 pack of toilet paper....all in one stop

For sale by owner said...

If all you fools excited about Costco are looking for a house, I’m about to see mine in a Greenwood Plantation. You can hop the fence and shop all day long.

Anonymous said...

Fake stucco, Fake stucco, Fake stucco, Fake stucco, Fake stucco. It is too Fake stucco.

Louis LeFleur said...

Ok, so I don't know about building materials. Pass me the dunce hat and I apologize for my ignorance. Thanks for the education.

Anonymous said...

The buildings in the district are fake stucco. Is that what y'all are talking about?

What dolt would use stucco when there are far better ways to build. Stucco is literally technology from the roman era. do you still wipe your ass with a communal sponge too?

Anonymous said...

Who knew stucco could generate such passion?

Anonymous said...

https://www.thekitchn.com/the-story-behind-costco-hot-dog-deal-256217

Anonymous said...

Like people in Mississippi need a $1.50 drink/hotdog combo.

"Yo! Less go eat dinner at Costco! Hot dogs only a buck fifty. Imma get 5! Cash me outside howbow dah?"

I sure hope they're making the foundation of that building strong enough to handle all the lard that'll be waddling in there for pizza, hot dogs, tubs of candy and free samples of pork rinds.

Anonymous said...

artificial stucco resembles plastic upon inspection. that is why it is so hated. it looks cheap. I don't care if it costs more. its ugly. it is usually attached to a house with fake white columns which are too small to be columns. and it is usually applied wrong in this environment and it leaks and causes rot.

people should stick with brick or wood imo….and quit adding tiny columns.

Anonymous said...

Holy frijole! I read that article and it says that this place sells wagon wheel sized cheesecakes and a FOUR AND A HALF POUND jar of Costco brand Nutella. For f*ck's sake! Why not just give away insulin shots at the door?

Just when you thought this state couldn't get any fatter. Can't you see Billy Bob and Tammy Sue and Leroy and Sharniqua all waddling out of this place with a stack of cheesecakes and a 55-gallon drum of chocolate spread?

Do they sell anything that has fewer than 10,000 calories at this joint?

Besides faux stucco, that is?

Anonymous said...

there is no such thing as "artificial stucco" re: outside wall finishes

stucco is a generic term. there can be synthetic (EIFS) stucco


spend more effort on conversation instead of condescension.

Anonymous said...

Gas is .10 cheaper than any place in MS....and whiskey too! I'm in!

Anonymous said...

So 1:23pm, I guess you are appalled at the plastic monstrosity that is the District at Eastover. Lord forbid fake stucco gets that close to eastover (where there are in fact plastic looking houses already). The fake stucco thing has to be the most idiotic attempt at an insult that this board has ever hosted. It is so old, incorrect and unintelligent. Wait, there again it defines Jackson and her citizens perfectly. Keep it coming idiots.

Anonymous said...

Who gives a damn if stucco is fake, or real, or what difference there is between the two? Or if fake stucco is real stucco? Or if real stucco is not as good as fake stucco - or if in fact fake stucco is not really fake, or not really stucco, or whatever the hell? This post was about a filling station on a plot of land zoned for a filling station. One damned comment made a reference to owners of (stucco, fake or real) that live nearby.

Take your building argument about whether you would prefer to have real stucco, fake stucco, or another kind of stucco, --- or brick or wood - somewhere else where people might give a damn.

Me, for what its worth, wouldn't live in Dinsmore, no matter what the building was covered with. Its the neighbors that I don't want to be around that would keep me out of the 'hood. Anybody that thinks they are too good to live close to a Costco, or a filling station, need to move further north and purchase a pineapple.

Louis LeFleur said...

Sacré bleu! Who would have thought a reference to faux stucco would create such a stream of comments, both positive and negative?

Stuccaux Faux Shaux said...

It's not "fake" or "artificial" stucco. The proper term is "faux stucco". Learn the correct terminology or be quiet. It makes you look like an imbecile otherwise.

Anonymous said...

@ June 21, 2018 at 1:18 PM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! You made me spit out my free McAlister's sweet tea from laughing so hard. LOL!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the superior Jackson stucco lovers realize that their hated fake plastic stucco also has drainage channels within to further protect the structure from water intrusion (ie. that shit that leads to mold and structural issues) if there are any failures in the building/house envelope. I guess they are happy with structural deterioration issues and health hazards to their families as long as they are hidden by concrete smeared on a wall (real stucco), which of course cracks and falls apart in this area way more than normal because of our clay/movement issues. The mere fact they live in Jackson screams of the lack of knowledge of property and structures. Maybe they should just shut up instead of constantly reminding us how unintelligent they are. Then again, it is Jackson where stupidity permeates pretty much everything from the schools to the leadership to the tax cows in NE. Moo

Anonymous said...

Did someone say that the costco gas station will be stucco?

Anonymous said...

5:17, is your question about "real" stucco, or "fake" stucco (which of course we have been instructed there is no such thing). Or are you asking if it will be "faux" stucco, or "synthetic" stucco?

Just asking for a friend - they are wanting to make sure their remodeling project in Dinsmore will match.

Anonymous said...

It’s Dinsmor, not Dinsmore.. As far as fake or real, stucco is tacky and a poor choice for an exterior. Why Dinsmor and stucco are a part of this thread is my question? Greenwood Plantation, Bridgewater, the “Bird” Lane residents and areas off of Richardson and Lake Castle are the ones that the mayor and alderman need to take into consideration when making illegal zoning plans.

Cynical Sam said...

When fake stucco is outlawed, only outlaws will use it.

Anonymous said...

These are the funniest comments I've seen in a while.

Anonymous said...


Ridgeland better be focused on the cancer that is coming up Highland Colony.

This new Costco is going to throw off some impressive tax revenue, but it's also going to attract some vermin from Jackson as well.

Anonymous said...

Fucco to all you stucco haters!

Anonymous said...

Thus begins the demise of the Parkway. What for years has been a six mile long very attractive assortment of businesses nestled amongst trees and nice landscaping...will now be concrete, gas stations, shopping carts crammed into receptacles in parking lots, thousands of Hinds County tags and litter. Litter everywhere. And the knotheads who want a gas island on the west side of 55 will finally realize their dream.

Will Gene Magee have a special, bronzed parking rack at the front door for his bicycle?

Anonymous said...

The key to your faux stucco home in Dinsmor is nothing more than a reasonably sharpened Bowie knife. Sleep well though, the vermin riding the HCP trail North haven’t figured it out......yet.

Anonymous said...

9:28 PM The vermin aren't going to pay $60/year in advance for the right to shop at Costco, and you have to be a member to use their gas stations. Costco also requires a detailed application and a government issued ID card that must be shown before a Costco membership card with photo is issued. They also have security at the entrance where Costco membership cards are confirmed, and exit where purchases and receipts are checked.

This should eliminate most vermin.

Anonymous said...

The real issue concerning fake stucco in ridgeland is a health issue.

Real stucco will stop a .45 bullet from penetrating.

Fake stucco will not stop a .45 though it could stop a .32.

So as Costco gets built and there are more people with guns coming through Dinsmo the problem is that everyone living in a fake stucco house is sure to be murdered to death by the vermin crawling in from NE Jackson (where the bullets are stopped by superior brick structures).

Anonymous said...

this case is assigned to judge chapman. he won't screw it up like judge emfinger, who has been reversed so many times he walks backwards.

Louis LeFleur said...

Fun fact: 22 playable Scrabble words can be made from stucco, sans faux.

Anonymous said...

Leave it to the JJ boards to take a thread about Costco and fill it with irrelevant posts about stucco. I guess this means that Costco is no longer a topic of interest.

Kingfish said...

Never seen so many people afraid of a grocery store just because of who might visit the place. Some of you are really weak.

Anonymous said...

Brick veneer will not stop of bullet larger than a .22. Just sayin'.

As far as the new Costco parking lot and vermin....lock and load with no bag limit.

Posting for a friend.

Anonymous said...

@ Kingfish

First I am saying all this as a resident of NE Jackson. I am not against who will be shopping at Costco, but I think residents of Ridgeland should seriously consider the location and the aesthetics of a big box store such as a Costco when Madison and Pearl already built new Sam's stores.

Will Costco then turn around and stick a Costco in Flowood?

Academy Sports leaves Jackson and relocates to Madison and Flowood. The Board of Alderman in Flowood didn't even consider how that would affect Dick Sports @ Market Street.

Hell, now Market Street is having vacancies pop up.

Now Ridgeland is starting to deal with White flight and middle-class blacks flowing further out into Madison County, as more residents start putting their homes up for rent.

My biggest concern is unnecessary urban sprawl and another big box store sitting idle after 10 years!?

We are spinning our wheels around this place.

Anonymous said...

Fake Stucco (EIFS) was not made for residential designs. Most builders don't know how to install it, particularly when it comes to the vapor barrier. This leads to mushrooms growing though the fake hardwood floors and mushy substrates. Fake Stucco was designed for large, pallid buildings where an architect would be present to make sure the builder actually knew what he was doing. Absent this control, builders have no business messing with fake stucco, no matter how many online STO course he or she takes.

Anonymous said...

First, to all of you debating the real stucco versus fake stucco/EIFS issue, PLEASE STOP. That is not he subject of this article. Your continuing to debate that issue on a chain that has nothing to do with that issue shows just how easily you can be distracted and manipulated from the real issue here. One troll make a silly stucco comment, and off you go into the briar patch.

Next, back to the original point of this article. The original parcel of land that Costco is building on was in fact zoned for a business such as Costco, just without a gas station. Costco wants a gas station as a part of its locating there, so the City unfortunately spot zoned to allow a gas station, which the Supreme Court said it cannot do. The objecting residents thought that if they could just stop the gas station, they would stop Costco from coming altogether. Unfortunately for them, they did not realize that there was another piece of property right next them which was already zoned for a gas station. So, as someone noted above, rather than them allowing Costco to build a gas station across the street from them and on the I-55 side of the property which would not have been visible to HCP, they will now get a gas station on the same side of HCP as them and in fact even closer to their neighborhood. Respectfully they created the present mess about which they now complain.

This new particular parcel of land where the gas station is to be located is in fact already zoned to allow a gas station. The owner of that parcel had planned to build a storage facility on it, but the City then put a moratorium on the building of storage facilities on that parcel, which then opened the door for Costco to purchase that lot to build its gas station. Now the residents complain of the City prohibiting the storage facility. But the question is do they really have standing to make that complaint. It appears the original owner who planned to build a storage facility there would be the rightful person to complain of that issue, but yet they are not suing the City over it. If the property owner who got stopped from building their storage facility there is not complaining, how can the residents nearby who don't own the facility ?

Here's another fact that the complaining residents are not considering. Costco or the developer has already spent a ton of money doing the dirt work and site prep work, so whether Costco is there or not, that site will be used for another commercial/retail development one way or the other. They'll just find another tenant to build there who doesn't want or require a gas station....And they already have. I know for a fact that...insert drumroll....WalMart has already expressed an interest in the property if Costco doesn't build there. So, to the complaining residents....would you prefer to have Costco (which requires members to pay a fee to shop there and costs more money as you have to buy in bulk, thus limiting the potential customers and traffic), or would you prefer a WalMart (which is open and available to anyone and everyone and generates a ton more traffic) ? Take your pick as it will be one or the other. I appreciate your concerns and complaints, I really do. But the fact remains that you bought a house next to areas that were zoned for commercial/retail establishments and even gas stations too, so it seems disingenuous to now complain that the properties are being used for their zoned purposes.

Anonymous said...

My issue is not with who might shop at Costco and what calibre traffic it might attract. My issue is the bastardization of a (previously) really nice parkway devoid largely of 18 wheelers all day and night and without the onslaught of a thousand extra cars per day, regardless of license plate.

Anonymous said...

I live in Dinsmor & look forward to this gas station.

Br'er Rabbit said...

Please don't throw us in the briar patch, 10:38!

Anonymous said...

I want my Costco, and I want it now! Including the gas station. And yes, I live in Dinsmor (and I knew that HCP is lined with commercial properties when I moved here).

Anonymous said...

Kingfish you are letting some really low-brow commentary ruin this discussion. It's ok for 6:57 to suggest people's families in Dinsmor are going to get murdered in their sleep because of commercial development in the area? Can't believe you don't zap some of the heartless/out of line commentary. Do better.

Anonymous said...

Anybody figured out how to short sell these neighborhoods?

Anonymous said...

Gud for Costco! These small towns need to get it together! Still living in the dino age.

Anonymous said...

If you live in Dinsmor, Greenwood Plantation, or some other area.....did you not know or realize when you bought that property that commercialization of HCP was imminent? Walmart, Walgreens, or some other Fortune 500 Company is
going to come to that area.....what was going thru your mind?

That it..HCP... was never going to be developed and just sit there with no growth?

Anonymous said...

Once again, the Ridgeland City Leaders (they're not really leaders) have changed the rules to suit themselves and some of their favorite developers (on of the Aldermen works for one of the favorites). The Mayor and his four Aldermen minions got scared the MS Supreme Court would rule against them on the change in zoning and stopped Storagemax, a facility that WAS allowed on C-3 property with conditional use, from locating on a slice of the C-3 property that they decided needed to be saved for Costco, just in case. They just changed the zoning text (there's that old "textual change" they love to use) and removed storage facilities from C-3 zoning altogether. The ends justify the means, right? Or at least that's what Fibber McGee & his bunch think!

Anonymous said...

11:45 You are wrong. Those same people DID NOT oppose the Storagemax--the Mayor & his 4 Aldermen opposed it because they needed to save the property for Costco, in case the MS Supreme Court ruled against them.

Anonymous said...

3:07 - do you own that strip of property? If the owner of the property isn't complaining, why should you? The owner appears to have come out well on the deal and is plenty happy; the folks in their "faux stucco" or whatever houses in the neighboring development should be happy that they don't have a multi-story storage facility degrading their neighborhood - and you're bitching because you think the city leaders did you wrong? How, pray tell, were you harmed? Or, is it that you just like to bitch?

Anonymous said...

I’ve never really thought about the 1000s of 18 wheelers which will now clog HCP stuffing Costco with Nutella and Budweiser.

HCP will be a pot hole laden war zone with hoodlums robbing Costco and fleeing back to Jackson through Dinsmo.

My god.....it is literally over.

Anonymous said...

3:34 it they did good for them, Costco's going to bring in much more revenue over the long hall.

Cynical Sam said...

They will sell bulk popcorn that is perfect for eating while reading Jambalaya. Win/Win!

Anonymous said...

3:34 -
'these same people'? If the Mayor/Board had allowed the construction of the Storage Max - you can say that 'these same people', or others for that matter, wouldn't object? Glad to know that you've polled them all on this important subject.

Anonymous said...

Yes, fueling stations and fast food drive throughs can legally come to the C-3, 9 acre piece of property located at the intersection of Newpointe Drive and Highland Colony Parkway and have been able to do so for quite some time. Further, it is the ONLY location on HCP in this general vicinity where those businesses can legally come and that is by design and the result of a well thought out zoning ordinance. This C-3 property is at the intersection of a “Flyover” that has been in the long range plan for Ridgeland for quite some time and a logical place to put a fueling station.

What the original law suit prevented is fueling stations to be at this C-3 location AND at the C-2 Costco location. Because once you start changing what CAN come, then there’s a “change in the area” and then zoning can LEGALLY be changed at the whim of the Mayor (and whoever happens to be his favorite developer) which means that, feasibly, we could have gas stations and fast food drive ins everywhere, as well as all the traffic and other concerns that invariably come with them.

The fact is that nothing these plaintiffs or lawsuits or residents have done has caused a fueling station to come to this location. It was already legal and just a matter of time so please stop with this notion that somehow this is all “their” fault. What these plaintiffs, the law suit and the Ms Supreme Court Justices DID DO is prevent HCP from becoming something it was never intended to be and I, for one, am incredibly grateful.

Anonymous said...

Did anybody read the lawsuit? The best part is on page 11 and I think MAY be the whole point of the complaint. It’s the paragraph about the “Pattern of Conduct.” THATS what should give us all heartburn when it comes to the people running our fair City. They continue to invite lawsuits because they have decided that they are a dynasty and that the ordinances that govern the City are only to be used when they suit the Mayor and Board of Aldermen and can be changed BY them when they don’t. They continue to divide the citizens because they pick and choose Willy Nilly when they will enforce the law and when they will totally ignore it. When Public officials, whether elected or appointed or hired, view themselves as ABOVE the law, it is time for them to go!

Anonymous said...

Now this really frustrates me. The mayor and the Board of Aldermen of Ridgeland lead Mr. Lloyd (who wants to build his Corporate Office in Ridgeland) down the primrose path and then pull the rug out from under him, essentially kicking a local business man to the curb to accommodate a national chain that hundreds of Ridgeland citizens have publicly stated they do not want.

This is PRECISELY what elected officials are NOT supposed to do! Especially when that national chain is a retail business with a model that is outdated and will leave us with a big empty metal building. Right about the time the Tax Incentive Funds (the City’s portion of the sales tax) STOP going to the developers and the City actually has a chance to keep its sales tax dollars, we’ll have an empty building with nothing in it to sell!! And please,tell me that we are not gong to give away additional Tax Incentive Funds on this 9 acres! PLEASE!!! Haven’t we given these people enough?!?!

And of course Mr. Lloyd can’t be involved in a law suit against the City! Not if he ever wants to do business in Ridgeland.

I really don’t want a Mayor that thinks he can do anything he wants, to anybody he wants and the ends justify the means. That is worst than frustrating; it’s downright scary.

Anonymous said...


H.C. Buster Bailey won again...it is my understanding he knew he could put the fuel station across the street from the get go. He pushes his way thru this just like he did with Butler Snow Building, I'm sure he is laughing about all this just like he always does. I only hope and pray he does not get by with the PONZI SCHEME he pulled on 150 investors for $26,400,000. NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT F...ING OVER PEOPLE !!!!!

Anonymous said...

11:25 - If you think you're frustrated NOW, just wait til you get Gerald Steen in the Mayor's leather chair.

Anonymous said...

Ridgeland will give them 10 years worth of tax breaks. In 10 years, when the city leaders start to smell that tax bacon, Costco will move to Gluckstst and the pattern will start over. Meanwhile, highland colony will enjoy the biggest DG in the state.

Anonymous said...



"So 1:23pm, I guess you are appalled at the plastic monstrosity that is the District at Eastover. Lord forbid fake stucco gets that close to eastover (where there are in fact plastic looking houses already). The fake stucco thing has to be the most idiotic attempt at an insult that this board has ever hosted. It is so old, incorrect and unintelligent. Wait, there again it defines Jackson and her citizens perfectly. Keep it coming idiots."
June 21, 2018 at 2:19 PM

And let's not forget "Local Jackson Icons" sheathed in synthetic stucco, like 'The Barrington' Condominiums, or the "Wall" around Meadowbrook Highlands (home to Jim Barksdale and other 'Prominents'). Beneath the Drivit (synthetic stucco), you'll find wood framing (with "pillars" made of 'treated' 4x4s - their ends stuck into the ground, in lieu of an actual foundation), particle board reinforcing the 'key stress-points', and sheets of styrofoam: that's all. For years, the gaps beneath the "wall" were big enough for sizeable animals to crawl under. Maybe the gaps got "plugged-up", when decent landscaping was finally implemented. Or maybe they're just hidden, now. But truly: if you wanna talk about FAUX...

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Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.


In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.


Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS
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