For one day — and one
day only — I am the Commissioner of Sports. All sports. Things are going to
change around here.
First off, we're going
to quit discriminating against college baseball players. They have mamas and
daddies, too. No more splitting of 11.7 scholarships among 27 players. Come on.
Eleven-point-seven? Who came up with that? The limit has never made sense and
makes a lot less now that games are televised and attended by thousands. Why
should a star shortstop have to pay half or more of his tuition, while the
third team cornerback gets a full ride? Fair's fair. That's not. From now on,
the limit on college baseball scholarships per team is an even 25. If it makes
the NCAA happy, make it 25.3. The Commissioner will not quibble.
Now then...
Oh, and about those
bats. We're going to make them wooden, the way the great Umpire in the Sky
meant them to be. No such thing as a DH either. My apologies to all the slow
guys who can't catch or throw. You'll love slowpitch softball.
Hoops? Basketball
teams, at all levels, are hereby limited to two timeouts a half, just one in
the last two minutes of a game. When does two minutes become one hour? The last
two minutes of an NBA or college basketball game, that's when. Enough is enough
and two timeouts a half is plenty, especially when timeouts last forever so the
networks can sell beer, male potency pills, cars and stuff.
College football? No
kickoffs before noon. No kickoffs after 7. No games until September. We play on
Saturdays. No going to bowls unless you have a winning record. No TV timeouts.
That's a good start.
For some time now, the
Commissioner has been trying to discern exactly what constitutes holding at
every level of football. Players hold on EVERY play. Nineteen times out of 20,
they get away with it, much to the dismay of defensive coordinators across
these United States. Something has to be done, and since we can't cut off all
the hands of all the offensive linemen, we're going to make them wear special
gloves that keep their fists balled to where they cannot possibly hold. I don't
know why I hadn't thought of this before. Umpires, your job just got a lot
easier.
The Commissioner has
long stayed out of the fashion business when it comes to sports, but somebody
has to protect these college football teams from embarrassing themselves.
Uniforms are hearby restricted to school colors. No mixing stripes with checks.
If a sports writer with 20-20 vision and binoculars cannot read your number,
then adjustments must be made. Players wear numbers for a reason. While on
jersey numbers, only one player on a team can wear a certain number. Football
is confusing enough.
I have saved the worst
for last. What to do about the USGA? We'll start with this. Any rules decision
that may affect the outcome of the tournament has to be made immediately (or at
least in the first three hours after the
need for a ruling occurred.) Common sense should apply.
As for the issue of
putters, we are outlawing the silly looking long ones. From now on, no putters
that come up above your waist. Better yet, no putters that come above your
crotch. Try to anchor it now.
Oh yeah, 63-year-old
sports writers get two mulligans and a throw a side. And winter rules apply.
Always.
Rick Cleveland is a syndicated columnist and
historian at the Mississippi Sports Hall of Fame and Museum. His email address
is rcleveland@msfame.com.
6 comments:
Rules 6.8a-7.4c Only former athletes can comment on sports, write about sports or interview athletes. Anyone who looks like they never did a push up will not be allowed a press pass to any sporting event. Coaches will be required to exercise with their respective teams. No more fat coaches. Fans will no longer be allowed to talk about how great their respective teams are unless they have played for or won a national championship,(see State of Mississippi football fans as example A).
I would like to add. MHSAA soccer rules are all eradicated and any kid anywhere can play anytime. It is nonsense applying football logic to soccer.
A couple more:
- Re: college football games, CBS does not dictate when kickoff is.
- Re: uniforms, NO PINK. In any male sport. Period. Your wife, aunt, niece, mee-maw, daughter, or sister has breast cancer?? Cut a check to the cancer research institution of your choice, but leave sports out of it.
No more commentators/talking heads. Only play-by-play announcers are allowed to call games and they are strictly prohibited from commentary. Because, I really don't give a sh!t what they think.
You must have attended at least one game/day of class at the University of Alabama to actually talk trash about them.
You can't like Ole Miss "just 'cause they have a rebel flag" like most MS rednecks do even though the pretentious fans would have you believe all UM fans are models or millionaires.
Rick drinks Scotch. Is there a rule about that?
His brother, Bobby, however, drinks chocolate syrup in case you didn't know.
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