Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Jackson seeks to create entertainment district.

Will bars be able to one day operate 24/7 in downtown Jackson? The City of Jackson will ask the Department of Revenue to designate a certain areas of downtown as a resort area and entertainment district.  The request came before the City Council's Planning and Zoning Committee Monday.  The committee did not vote on the request but decided to study creating the boundaries of a proposed entertainment district and adopting a long-range plan for downtown Jackson.  The city  has never adopted such a plan.  Downtown Jackson Partners will work with the city in creating the long-range plan. 

Director of Planning and Development Eric Jefferson  said the city wanted to create an entertainment district "with the convention center as a hub".  Downtown Jackson Partners Executive Director and former Ward 1 Councilman addressed the committee.  Mr. Allen said the city didn't have an actual business district.  He said the Chamber of Commerce wanted to create a central business district and asked DJP to draft plans for one.  The city was working on one as well.  Mr. Allen and the committee discussed the possibility of DJP acting as a consultant for the city in creating a CBD.

He said creating a central business district will allow the city to use covenants in a long range plan.  He said several areas (see first map posted below) currently have commercial operations even though they are zoned light-industrial.  The city adopted a comprehensive plan in 2004.  However,  Mr. Allen said it would not create a plan without the approval of the city council.  Mr. Jefferson said he wanted to issue an RFP for creating a plan and work with DJP to determine the best plan to present to the city council.    Mr. Hendrix asked how long it would take to draft a plan.  Mr. Allen asked "If we do it or y'all do it?" to much laughter.  Mr. Allen recommended (28:00) asking Central Mississippi Planning & Development District (CMPDD) for a list of consultants.

Mr. Allen and council members said they wanted to include Commerce Street area businesses in the entertainment district. 

Current map

The green sections in the first map are the tax-exempt parcels such as the courthouses and state fairgrounds.  The pink areas that dominate the downtown area  are currently considered a business district.  Commerce Street is zoned the Old Capitol Green District. The map is pretty self-explanatory.
City future use map
 The city's future use map changes a great deal of downtown zoning to that of regional mixed use (purple area). 
DJP proposed changes to future use map
The DJP proposal expands the regional mixed use area to a sliver that extends down to Pointdexter and back to Pascagoula and over to the Pearl River on the other side of the regional mixed use zone.
Kingfish note: This is an example of the city moving in the right direction.  This plan does not involve creating Xanadus with robot garages, loans, grants, or crony capitalism but instead eases the environment for restaurants and nightclubs to operate.  The owners of Martins, One Block East, Jaco's Tacos, Underground 119, and of course Hal & Mal's put their money, time, and sweat into their businesses.  They didn't get  hand outs, tax credits, loans, or other forms of "economic development assistance".  They just went out and worked.  This will give them a chance to succeed on their own merits as they will be able to operate under more relaxed rules.  It makes no sense for a dive on Farish Street to enjoy resort status while the real building blocks of an entertainment district that are around Commerce Street are placed at a competitive disadvantage.

If no crony capitalism is involved, the creation of an entertainment district is the right thing to do. 


Anonymous said...

JPD has financial difficulties due to budget problems. They could only provide bare bones security at the State Fair, and that was forced upon them. How do they expect to properly cover a 24/7 Resort Area. Remember Hinds County won't be there! It sounds as though the City carefully chooses when to "cry poor."

exjxnres said...

Before they plan anything like an "Entertainment District", Jackson needs to fix the streets, repair the water and sewer systems and build the tax base back by attracting businesses instead of running them off. An entertainment district will never survive without a decent roadway system and running water. Don't get me started about all the crime....Getting car jacked or mugged on the way there or on the way out should not even be a consideration, much less a big worry, as it is today.

Anonymous said...

There is absolutely no reason the city cannot pass an ordinance for the creation of an entertainment district while simultaneously addressing other issues. It is absurd to say that the city cannot create an entertainment district by the passing of a simple ordinance until other issues are 100% addressed. The creation of an entertainment district in no way suggest those other issues are not important.

Anonymous said...

To really appreciate the extent of tax-exempt status you also need to identify parcels owned by the Federal government and churches as well as the State...

Anonymous said...

Jackson has a problem with staying focused and completing projects on time. Simple road improvements take years and there are always excuses for delays. Another question is, who do they expect to frequent this district 24/7. SOMEBODY has to get up and work in the morning! Wednesday nights are church, Fridays are football and school functions, Saturday is a party night usually, with Sunday nights reserved for homework and getting ready for the Monday work week. Local colleges expect students to keep GPA's high and parents will be none too pleased that a Margarita is taking presidence over college algebra. That leaves the (un)der-employed, non-family focused citizens to have a place to chill and plan their "next adventures." I enjoy a night out as much as the next person, but when you lose focus on family themed venues, your only asking for huge problems.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Allen's middle name is 'crony capitalism'.

Anonymous said...

This is city govt equivalent to Tyrone Lewis' billboard campaign.

noel said...

Will the entertainment district have running water?

Anonymous said...

Ahh...., an entertainment district that will not disturb residential areas is a great thing. Agree wholeheartedly with 10:50. And yes, we do have shoes and running water in the Capitol City. And, who goes to listen to music after midnight is really not important. The Mississippi State Fair issue must not be understood by some but keep piling on all you nay-sayers; just showing your ignorance.

Anonymous said...

Comment to 10:37 - Do you ever go to New Orleans? Or Memphis? Just wondering.

Anonymous said...

12:38 & 1:09
To find running water in Jackson, just go to the nearest fire hydrant.

Anonymous said...

Jackson just received a Federal Grant for $16 million and what do they do with it? Fix the roads and sewers near Tougoloo. Only a bunch of morons would do that. Enjoy your resort status and entertainment district. Pipe dreams need to have water flowing through them, not sewage.

Anonymous said...

In Jackson, we have Twin Peaks, Danny's Downtown, Hooters, Last Call, Black Diamond, Blue Magic, Eclipse, Underground 119, Baymont Inn, VA College, Sam's Lounge, happy ending massage parlors, Inns of USA, Oxford Houses, Waffle Houses, Fortuna Asian Grocery, Adult Stores, sketchy gas stations....and people are mad about an entertainment district in a section that no one even dares to venture towards??

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile Jackson is now using gravel to fill in potholes throughout the city.

Anonymous said...

Dang, 4:15, You do get around, don't you?

Anonymous said...

4:15- Excellent point. Jackson has all those great tourist attractions. You forgot the numerous barbershops, hair salons and tatoo parlors to make our tourists look pretty. The hotels along I55 are always ready for new victims...oops...I ment customers. The bus loads of tourists must be the ones tearing up the streets. A new entertainment district that's open 24/7 should put the "City with Soul" on the map.

Anonymous said...

October 28, 2015 at 4:15 PM
Never heard of most of those places. You must carry the industrial size bottle of hand sanitizer in your car.

Buy JXN Eat JXN said...

If the "damn prophet" Ben Allen is involved you can be guaranteed that somewhere in the process there will be a proposal for Jackson's dwindling taxpayer class and shrinking population of small businesses to fund and backstop this latest soon-to-be-bust. Guaranteed. The city is imploding so what better time than the present for another DJP concocted 'Hail Mary'. 24-hour booze is only the latest throwing of pasta against the downtown Jackson wall of boondoggles where nothing ever sticks.

Stamford is back...remember me? said...

Yes 4:15 and 4:44, Mr. "glass stays half empty". Jackson also has the District at Eastover, The Fondren, the Westin, the Mississippi Museum of Art, the IBC, new apartments beginning at the Deposit Guaranty Plaza, the Walthall, and across from the King Edward, the Belhaven, the Downtown West development, the Eastland Courthouse rehab, great restaurants out the ass, and on and on, and we are so fortunately blessed with arrogant assholes that don't live here, but obsess with us daily.

Live in your boring suburb. We don't give a shit.

Anonymous said...

can't believe you didn't mention whole foods, 5:01. the mere mention of it drives the haters crazy.

Anonymous said...

@ 4:44: They've all been in the news either through the media or newspapers. As far as hand sanitizer, I wouldn't travel anywhere without a jug. (That has nothing to do with Jackson though). Now, a forward thinking business person could make a good buck or two setting up stands surrounding the 24 hour district; selling "Plan B" and various other items of fun and convenience.

Anonymous said...

4:50, the King Edward stuck. And the Standard Life. And the Electric Building. And the Plaza Building. And Underground 119. And Parlor Market. H&M and Martin's are of course still stuck. Seems to me some things have stuck just fine.

Anonymous said...

Stamford is back....and still stupid:
If you're going to preach, at least get it right. It's NOT "the Fondren", it's Fondren. It's NOT "the Belhaven", it's Belhaven. Maybe you haven't noticed, but, the number of "great restaurants" has dropped by 3. Julep, Islander, and La Finestra.

Anonymous said...

Remember all of the great accomplishments of Ben Allen when he was on the city council?
Yeah, me neither.

Moronic comments out the ass said...

"great restaurants out the ass"

I'm still marveling at that line. Such eloquence could only come from a JFP writer in the Fondren!

Madison County has Local 463, City Grille, Strawberry Cafe, Kristos, Amerigo, County Seat, Sombra, Ely's, Anjou, High Biscuits, Mermaid Cafe, The Gathering, in other words, great restaurants. but not sure if that's enough to qualify for "out the ass".

Maybe someday...

Anonymous said...

Jackson is an Entertainment District to the Burbs-- North,South,East and West

Anonymous said...

5:01 over half the things you mention are mere concepts right now. Why don't you wait a breath and see if those things pan out before relying so heavily on them for your argument.

Anonymous said...

Christ! The Jackson area has potential to be much better than it is if we would just get over the "my zip code is better than yours" bullshit. And it is obvious that 90% of these posts come from people outside the city. I'm not saying you're mad because you live in a boring suburb, I'm saying that you're most likely a terrible person in general (and a bad representation for your community). It's also clear that many of you don't even know what you're talking about (looking at you, guy who doesn't know that the Fondren and the Belhaven are developments within the neighborhoods). It would be great if you would quit acting like a child.

Jackson is trying to take steps in a positive direction. It costs practically nothing to do. In addition to the negatives, there are positive things going on in this city. Your denial does not make those positive things go away.

Anonymous said...

AND WHY 7:50 do you all obsess on Jackson and OUR city and future? You don't even live here. Why?

Anonymous said...

"Do you ever go to New Orleans? Or Memphis? Just wondering."

Sure - for professional football and basketball, or concerts by the biggest acts in the world. Wake me when any of that happens in Jackson.

Anonymous said...

9:20. Will happen in Jackson way before it happens in Brandon. Redneck.

Anonymous said...

I'm filing trademarks for "Gold Coast District Jackosn" and some other variations first thing in the am. Can I get that at one of the conveneince stores or do I needs one the barber shops?

Johnny Wadd said...

Great idea. There are a couple bars that open in Memphis at 7am. Nothing like a good breakfast, bloody mary, and doing a body shot off a hot young nurse who just got off of her night shift.

Anonymous said...

4:44 here. That's pretty dang funny. :)

Anonymous said...

Yup, the multi-million dollar red ink drowning Convention Center, after financing, will cost nearly $90 million nothings. BTW, don't let it get out that the white elephant center was actually financed using general obligation bonds for which Jackson taxpayers are on the hook versus what the public was misled before the election would be revenue bonds to finance construction. Oh, and before you reflexively barf again, save the convention centers are loss leaders meme for other fools who don't know any better.

I Loved The Plastic Catfish said...

I miss New Orleans. Nothing like the early morning smell of horse piss being washed away with mobile water hoses. Jackson can reach that pinnacle, given time. And BEADS. There's no reason Jackson can't have beads being thrown from second and third floor balconies. Think outside the box. It would cost very little to develop that concept. I say bring back those plastic, multi-colored catfish. They had meaning!

But the biggest positive change would come only when they turn off all those damned parking meters. Nothing but a trap, I tell ya. Nothing but a way to get some cheap, quick bucks to prop up the city coffers and pay the salaries of all those lazy-ass people in city offices. Turn the damned things off and you will see an influx of traffic. Guaranteed. As it is, people know if they park in downtown Jackson, they are GOING to get a ticket.

Anonymous said...

It continually baffles me why some have the hate they do for their state's capital city. Totally baffling. The only thing I can surmise is that they must be incredibly miserable people, whether they realize it or not.

Kingfish said...

An anonymous commentor made this comment. I edited it.

"People know if they park in downtown Jackson, they are GOING to get a ticket" Hey xxxxxxx do you really have to be told to feed the parking meter?

Anonymous said...

Just because people point out the tremendous shortcomings of the city, you accuse them of hate. Really?
What baffles me is why some people refer to anything that they consider negative as hate.
Pretty strong word, wouldn't you think? I really hate that.

Anonymous said...

8:10- It's not hate for the Capital. It's total disgust for what it's residents and City Leaders are doing to the city and the JPS school system. Persons living outside of the city don't want that behavior to spread to their towns, and will charge/pay to keep the problems out. Of course crime can filter into any outside area, but those residents don't allow it to be a regular happening. We're suspicious of strangers in our neighborhoods and our police are firm, fair and very protective of our properties. Nobody hates Jackson, they hate what it has become.

Anonymous said...

Feeding the meter is illegal, and if you are caught doing it it won't prevent you from getting a ticket. Ask any Jackson cop. Years ago some dude in a superhero costume went around feeding meters to promote some business in downtown and JPD stopped him.

Chimneyville Android Werks said...

Whatever happened to those robots that Old Capitol Green was going to use in their parking garage? Maybe we can use them in some Jetsons-themed bar on Pascagoula Street.

If you don't immediately get behind that idea, you hate Jackson and are a racist and a robophobe.

By the way, this site requires me to state that I am not a robot before I post. By continuing this practice, you are discriminating against those out of work robots from Old Capitol Green! #ROBOLIVESMATTER

Jackson! Home of Parlor Market

Anonymous said...

Every development idea in Jackson is a quick con-game. Real deals are supported by real money and numbers. Investors will not put their money into con-games and where there is O leadership. Millions are spent on ripoffs and little on fixing the stuff that city is required to maintain.

Kingfish said...

So Malcolm White is a con artist? The owners of Martins, One Block, and Jaco's are con-men? They benefit from an entertainment and resort designation.

They didn't get any handouts. You frankly don't know what the hell you are talking about, dumbass. There are business owners who DID put real money and their own damn sweat into their businesses but in your myopic and demented world, they are con-men.

The city spends no money on this aside from drawing up the plans. The business owners still have to invest and work at growing their business. The risk is on them. But again, to you they are con-men.

Anonymous said...

9:10 and 9:12....what baffles me is that you take the time to post about a "doomed city". Why? Why do you and so many others take time out of your life to ridicule all of the people trying hard to improve the state? What are YOU doing to be a part od the solution? Simply throwing incendiary blog bombs?

You need to be a disciple of Kent and Larry on WJNT.

Yes. Improving the state's CAPITAL CITY does improve the state.

Big difference is we care, and you don't.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Allen and the committee discussed the possibility of DJP acting as a consultant for the city in creating a CBD.

Is this the same Ben Allen that played cheerleader for OCG and its robot garages? Is this the same DJP that has its fingers all over the two blocks of brick sidewalks and empty storefronts north of Amite Street?

Maybe someone who doesn't have a track record of massive, city-in-ruins failure should be chosen over a hometown boy and former councilman.

Otherwise, KF, all your talk about avoiding cronyism is hot air.

Anonymous said...

I'm baffled. Baffled I say. Why? Why? oh Why? do you throw up the false flag of posting about a "doomed city"?
You put it in quotes ("doomed city"), and for the life of me, I can't find anywhere in either of those comments the words "doomed city".
Must you spend your time throwing incendiary blog lies about what was posted?
By the way, who the Hell are Kent and Larry?
I do kind of like the way you put CAPITAL CITY in all caps, even if you don't see the irony of that.
The biggest difference is, I really don't give a tiny rats ass about you, or your opinion of me.

Kingfish said...

JJ led the charge against Old Capitol Green and completely exposed it for the bogus project it was and I'm sure you pretty well know that. You can do better than that if you are going to troll.

I Loved The Plastic Catfish said...

Frankly I was serious with my parking meter comment - to turn the damned things off. You can feed it to it's limit and you will NOT be able to go anywhere and transact the business you need to transact. And the city knows that. You can't feed the meter and eat at The Elite or Parlor Market. You can't feed the meter and go into traffic court or city hall or any other government venue to transact the business you have to transact. And the cops take up all the spaces near the federal building and court houses. You cannot feed the meter full and expect to NOT have a ticket unless you can transact business in short order which is impossible in Jacktown.

I got a ticket downtown last year and the stupid assed judge actually asked me if we had parking meters in Madison. Well, no, I told him. We ticket people in Madison for having Hinds County tags, not for parking to spend money locally.

Furthermore, take a look at some of the signs on Pearl when you cross State. They indicate no parking but the arrows point to non-existent parking spaces so if you park where you think there is no charge, yep, ticket. It's a trap and every damned body knows it.

So, to both Kingfish and the goober he edited, screw you. You don't have to feed meters, apparently. Maybe you get a pass for sucking up to Lee Vance. I don't.

Anonymous said...

It's not trolling to suggest that hiring Ben Allen and DJP as a consultant for who knows how much is cronyism, especially given the close ties to the city and the council.

This reeks of cronyism, just like that Celebrate Jackson ad campaign Harvey awarded to his friend's ad agency a few years ago. Remember that? Close to $100,000 for a couple of YouTube videos and an event at City Hall that no one attended (Celebrate 11.14 for a reminder). Funny how no one ever asked where all that money went (or they certainly aren't now).

And it doesn't matter if it's only a few thousand dollars or so that Allen and Son will reap from the city's coffers for "consulting" on a CBD (have they created on before? A successful one?). It's still "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" BS.

Cronyism is cronyism. You can't get a little bit pregnant.

P.S. I know JJ exposed OCG, which is exactly why you should smell a rat here, or at least not be so trusting.

Kingfish said...

The city will issue an RFP for the consultant who will draw up the plan. DJP and City will work together but the city will issue an RFP. Mr. Allen recommended including CMPDD in the process.

Anonymous said...

CMPDD is only more of the same, populated by more of the same, led by more of the same, coughing up proposals for more of the same.

Anonymous said...

The city spends no money on this aside from drawing up the plans. The business owners still have to invest and work at growing their business.

Agree with much of your comment @ 10:25 Kingfish regarding the businesses you mention except the second sentence in that highlighted above.

You know damn well that once the plans are complete the full court political pressure press will be on to seed the plan with city taxpayer funded giveaway$$$. Then when the plan doesn't get off the ground Chief Cadet Ben Allen will blame the city for not "following" their own plan.

Jackson and Downtown Jackson badly needs an honest broker. Ben Allen isn't it and having the paid employee of DJP business interests in any leadership steering role is a conflict of interest.

Anonymous said...

"We ticket people in Madison for having Hinds County tags . . . "

For Queen Mary's sake, please quit telling people where exactly you are from. It makes Madison look tacky. Have a nice day.

On A Positive Note... said...

CMPDD (well EVERY Planning and Development District) is a concept/boondoggle that outlived it's non-usefulness about twenty years ago. These things were created as a funding conduit. Soon they morphed into nothing more than retirement homes for ex-state employees who juggle books and populate columns with numbers.

They're simply part of the nightmare. They are useful only as a check-off item on a grant application, a funding proposal or an attempt to get federal funds. They allow the applicant (usually a municipality) to check off that they did indeed run their idiotic proposal through a community planning body. Largely irrelevant, they serve no other useful purpose. They are good at developing pie-charts and spread sheets and other confusing minutia that always accompany a public project.

They're right down there with Ben Allen as far as being of actual benefit to a community. Their employees are to the federal funding mechanism what retired educators are to the State Department of Education. Boar Hog Teets.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS