Thursday, December 27, 2018

Bigger Pie Forum: The PERS Cola War

Note: This is a sponsored post by Bigger Pie Forum. 

When people normally think of a COLA, they think of a refreshing, bubbly and sweet beverage that goes great with a hamburger and fries.

But in the world of public pensions, COLA is only sweet for the retiree. The overly generous and unsustainable COLA (cost of living adjustment) is one of the key factors on why the Public Employees’ Retirement System or PERS continues to struggle financially.

The PERS board recommends increases and the Legislature appropriates the funds. This system has set the PERS trustees squarely in control of withholding campaign support, making the topic toxic for legislators.

In 1999, the Legislature changed the way PERS computed the COLA. Legislators increased it from 2.5 to 3 percent of the annual retirement allowance for each full fiscal year of retirement until the retired member reaches age 60.

Since retirees can elect to receive their COLA in one lump sum at the end of the year, it’s often known as the 13th check. The pension fund issued $103,263,000 in COLA payments in 1999 and this amounted to 18.37 percent of all benefits paid to retirees.

Last year, the 13th check cost PERS $603,318,841 and represented 24.35 percent of all benefits. That’s an increase of 484.25 percent in only 19 years.

Social Security’s COLA is indexed to the increase in the Consumer Price Index (CPI) as determined by the U.S. Department of Labor’s Bureau of Labor Statistics.

There’s nothing wrong with making sure that retirees’ checks keep up with inflation, but the PERS COLA exceeds this laudable goal. The CPI is considered a good measure of inflation and it’s grown on average by 2.18 percent since 1999.

Just reducing the size of the COLA payout by a third over the past 18 years would’ve saved more $2.2 billion, which would’ve helped address the plan’s $16.6 billion in unfunded liabilities. Even as late as 2011, the Governor’s PERS Study Commission made critical recommendations in light of the program’s solvency issue, but still nothing has been addressed.

The easiest way to stem the bleeding on PERS’ bottom line is to change the way the COLA is computed. Many states index the COLAs for their pension funds on the CPI. Others base the annual COLA percentage on the plan’s funding ratio, which is the share of future obligations covered by current assets. Some do a combination.

Legislators need to study how other states with healthier pension funds are holding down the costs on the COLA for PERS. Doing so would be an easy fix and allow retirees to continue to boost the buying power of their benefits while ensuring the plan’s future.

Kicking the can down the road will lead to only a more expensive solution, financed by soaking taxpayers.



64 comments:

Anonymous said...

If they change the plan for current emoloyees, the few qualified employees with masters degrees and certifications will leave. There’s a handful of qualified people who got burnt out and disillusioned with all the long hours and high stress of the corporate world, who recognized how sweet PERS really is and jumped ship to state government.

If they screw with pers for current employees, a lot of the good ones will leave. It won’t be worth it any more.

Anonymous said...

So, they get to retire at an early age and get healthcare and retirement while us private sector (employers of State workers) have to struggle and work until we are in our 70’s and 80’s. This ought to be outlawed and privatization of many state services should go into effect.

Anonymous said...

Good. It is only just since State employees make 41% less than State workers in the Southeast, and 35% less than state workers in contiguous states (yes, even Alabama) and haven’t received a COLA in a decade, much less a yearly COLA like federal emoloyees. I hope PERS members vote against Tate and the rest.

Dead Freddie Mercury said...

I am a PERS retiree and like the system just fine. With any luck at all I will dead soon enough and you Bigger Pie Folks can change the payout any which way you want.

Until then leave me with my fat 13th check. It's little enough for my years of diligent hard work and slavish devotion to the needs of our citizens.

Anonymous said...

@ 3:42

Early age? If you consider a 30 year retirement plan early then iI guess.

Anonymous said...

Get ready for your haircut PERS folks. PERS is unsustainable and when it melts down YOU WILL participate in the misery.

Anonymous said...

@3:39

At some point in your life (probably several points) you had an opportunity to apply to go to work for the state....if you think it's that great of a gig why didn't you ? I had chances but couldn't afford to because of lower wages than I wanted to make. Most state jobs are relatively low paying with the trade off being the benefits.

Anonymous said...

Retirees don’t get free healthcare. Good Job!!!

Anonymous said...

The truth--State Employees could not handle the truth about their role in the world.

Anonymous said...

As I understand the COLA in regard to current employees and retirees of the State of Mississippi, the legislature can't alter any part of the retirement plan. These individuals have a contract with the state of Mississippi. What they can and should do is alter the plan for new employees.

Anonymous said...

3:39, if you would get your facts straight, you might get more folks agreeing with your logic. State retirees don't get healthcare when they retire. They pay the full price (employee+employer share) if they so elect to stay on state insurance. Most either opt in to a new policy, go on their spouse's coverage or take Medicare at age 60, but very few could ever afford to pay full price for state coverage..

Anonymous said...

Who gets paid to write articles for think tanks? Who in the world edited this piece.....in no shape or form should any article about fixing PERS include the words "easy fix". Come on man!

Anonymous said...

Let’s git out of this agricultural state of mind and bring in industry. Then we can fill the state coffers with taxes because EVERYONE will be making a decent wage!

Anonymous said...

PERS may need overhauling, but not at the expense of retirees and current state employees, who had no choice but to participate in the retirement plan, with the promise of a defined pension benefit.

Anonymous said...

Does a retired PERS employee have a contractural relationship upon retirement that would bind PERS to the 3% annual increase for that retiree? I presume the not-yet-retired PERS employee would be subject to a “cola” change? In any event, does anyone know of an attorney or person who really does understand the rights of a person covered by PERS?

Anonymous said...

If they are not being paid what they are worth then leave for a better job. Real simple.

Anonymous said...

No, we don’t get to retire at an early age, and no
we don’t get free healthcare. I retired at 60 after
37 years of service. Having worked for a county
I was not eligible for the State Health plan and
could keep the County’s Health insurance as long
as I paid 120% of what a current employee
was paying. Now I buy Health coverage on the
open market ( $900.00 per month $6,000.00 deductible).
Retirees from the State pay there on insurance premiums
I agree changes need to be made, but not at the
expense of current retirees.

Anonymous said...

4:20, what a nasty thing to say. Many state employees work very hard and are proud to serve Mississippians. They are good people, doing good work, and making a positive difference in the world. Guaranteed, you benefit from the work of state employees everyday.

Anonymous said...

It would be interesting to know how much money that The financial gurus who advise the PERS investments crew, made off of PERS since 1999.SEE (State Pension Plans Would Be Better Off Avoiding External Management Fees)

Anonymous said...

3:51 said, "Early age? If you consider a 30 year retirement plan early then iI guess."

I'm floored that anyone would consider retiring after 30 years. So at age 50 you want to sit on your butt and expect to get paid while watching "The View"?

I've been working 40 years and plan to never retire. Keep working, keep working out, keep learning and pushing yourself. The result will be low boredom and a high quality of life.

Anonymous said...

Feel has already announced the state has found the extra $75,000,000 needed to bring the PERS fund to 61% funded.

Just To Clarify said...

Early age? "they get healthcare"? Neither is true. And as to the claim that many people opt for such jobs due to benefits of retirement 20-30-40 years up the road, that's nonsense. I've never heard of a soul who claimed he quite a private sector job and opted for PERS covered employment because of that. Nor have you. The stress and lack of appreciation in these jobs outpaces that of the private sector every day of the week.

And, yes...when government provides a handbook of benefits to employees, that is contractual and its terms are obligatory, unless the system is reworked and a revised handbook issued. I can't help that you don't like this or that YOUR employer might not do the same. But, it's a fact.

Anonymous said...

With one 13th check we could "build the wall" (on County Line Road), and have some left over for a pretty good time in Vegas.

Anonymous said...

All you armchair experts who want to change the way PERS pays it’s obligations to those of us who are retired need to stand down and shut the hell up about things of which you have no real knowledge. I retired at 65 with 30 years of service as a law enforcement officer (now tell me all about how you “didn’t get any benefit from any retiree”.) Like I said you don’t have a clue about what we did to get our retirement .

NOTE TO WANNABE Politicians: TRY TO MESS WITH OUR COLA AND YOU WILL LOSE THE KEEP YOUR JOB CONTEST!!!
There are many of us and we VOTE, as do our families and friends.

Anonymous said...

The only way to legally do what is proposed is to grandfather all employees up to a certain effective date. 1-1-20 perhaps, and then change all retirement benefits from that date forward. Call me what you will but my wife has 15 years with the state. She's not going to quit or go part time until she is able to retire and get full benefits. May people chose working for the state because of the retirement system. Like it or love it, its what they signed up for.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps somebody with standing should ask for an AG opinion to do away with all of this speculation?

Anonymous said...

It's a Ponzi scheme sold as a retirement plan that creates drone slaves who will chase that pension to their grave....and endure severe neglect and abuse at their jobs to do so....guess what? Look at the data.....the fat cats have already got theirs locked in at the top. One only has to look at the amounts being paid out in the last 8-10 years to see who benefitted. The program is unsustainable....almost like a mini-version of Social Security....too few paying into to cover the HUGELY boosted pensions the old-timers are now getting, and who did in fact "game" the system the last few years to get it. Only a State Auditor could maybe do something about it....but he appears to already be in on the scam and doesn't want to be too unpopular. He needs those Mississippi inbreds to secure higher office.

Anonymous said...

Rep. Jeff Smith posted on his facebook page that the COLA benefit needs to be looked at and maybe "adjusted". State retirees in Lowndes County - you need to know this and remember Jeff when he comes up on the ballot later in the year.

Anonymous said...

Disclaimer: I’m currently receiving retirement from PERS

1. Reduce COLA to 2%. That seems to be more in line with inflation over the last 30 or so years.

2. Require all COLA to be received monthly, calculated with regular benefits, so that the uninformed will quit referring to the COLA as a bonus.

3. Fund the system properly

4. STFU.

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with state retirees receiving a 13th check - except for
those that were drawing higher salaries at the time of retirement. EX: school
superintendents, principals, dept. heads, athletic directors, coaches, directors, etc.
Their regular monthly retirement payment is more than adequate. It's not too long after retirement their 13th checks are 20,000 plus, and grow each year at a ridiculous pace.
It's great that secretaries, regular classroom teachers, and others have the current
COLA to depend on. But higher paid employees - that system needs to be reconsidered.
It would be interesting to have public records, or examples to review.

Anonymous said...

9:47, who decides what a "higher" salary is? Is it by position or an arbitrary salary limit? Think it through and you'll see how a crafty SPB could reverse engineer the policy.

9:44, good for you, and you're welcome; I hope the you're enjoying the lifestyle I subsidize with the taxes that are confiscated from me by the state.

1. Absolutely no, if the COLA is continued, it should not be a fixed number, it should be tied to an indicator of economic health in the state. As we all know, Mississippi often does not follow national trends with respect to economic growth, inflation, etc.

2. Absolutely no again, inasmuch as I disagree with the lump sum payment, and barring any revision to the system, folks should be able to choose how they receive their benefit. The public just needs to be educated on how it is calculated.

3. Please give us a concrete idea of what "properly" funded means, along with three realistic ideas on how you would accomplish it.

4. Absolutely no again - as a taxpayer, I help to fund this system and will not shut the fuck up.

Offering anything other than solutions is just meaningless blather and complaining. That said, the heart of this issue is a retirement system that is tantamount to a bribe for votes, is antiquated and unsustainable.

The state should consolidate all employees (even the precious troopers and legislators) to a singular retirement vehicle consisting of a 403(b) with a match. It's time to stop coddling public employees and begin to treat them as adults.

Kingfish said...

I'm sure a few of my readers won't like me writing this, but I'll do so anyway. I see quite a few government employees because of this website. Yes, there are slugs, especially over at North and Amite Streets. However, I see quite a few employees who work their asses off. I've seen them work hard, show up, and care about the work they do. Matter of fact, I've seen quite a few slugs working in the private sector as well.

Anonymous said...

9:47

Yes, should be public info. Hopefully KF will post some.

Anonymous said...

If you have a sensible solution to solve any problem and you are promoting it in this state, 99 percent of your energy is an excercise in futility with the politicians we have. Good luck. You’ll need it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Kingfish!

A sh*t load of Mississippians hate government but are always waging their dainty little fingers in the air when sh*t is not running properly around here.

Look, people, you can't expect premium services at dirt cheap prices!

This state puts nothing into its infrastructure. always waits until sh*t is totally f*cked up, then they want to fix it when it going to cost the state more money to fix it, when we should have been doing the basic maintenance to annually to keep it up!?

Prime example, state workers are the lowest paid in the country. Haven't had realignment in 11+ years, the legislature has cut agency budgets, cut agency PINs, and we have a sh*t load of state workers eligible for retirement.

This is a man-made problem created by the Mississippi legislature.

Agencies operating with less, operating with antiquated systems and equipment, and people wonder why there are issues!? This all rolls into the problem with PERS.

Tate Reeves does not deserve a promotion! If you work for the state and want to make that man the big boss, you are a grade A idiot!

NEVER TATER!



Anonymous said...

To "December 27, 2018 at 4:31 PM," who wrote, "...very few could ever afford to pay full price for state [insurance] coverage.."

I am a new retiree on PERS and have no problem paying my full health insurance bill, along with my insurance premiums for vehicles, house and personal property, earthquake, flood, and life. All but one state retirees of my acquaintance (which is a lot, after 30+ years of state employment) also pay their own health insurance premium without issue. They take the premium out of our retirement check, and we calculate our retirement benefit accordingly before we decide to retire.

Anonymous said...

Can somebody accurately explain how the COLA payment is calculated? It isn't compounded year over year is it, and does it take into consideration years of service?

Anonymous said...

The COLA equals 3% of the annual base retirement allowance for each full fiscal year of retirement, with the 3% compounded beginning with the fiscal year in which the retired member reaches age 55.

Election of a monthly COLA payment (instead of the 13th check) is an irrevocable election.

Note that might be of interest for senior care planning: In order to qualify for Medicaid, a person receiving PERS benefits will need to change his/her COLA payment to monthly, as receiving the lump sum COLA as a 13th check will affect Medicaid eligibility.

Anonymous said...

Pensions are a relic. Any old goat like me on a private pension is on a defined contribution plan, fixed and yes eroded by inflation. Harsh fact. Politicians promise what other politicians who replace them cannot deliver. action on the COLA is years overdue. has nothing to do with employee competence, reality. Federal pensions would be in trouble with not for our fiat money system, running up a debt that cannot ever be paid down.

Anonymous said...

2:03 was not a school teacher nor a cop. Maybe a school administrator or desk warrior in MHP. It’s about $800 per month for health insurance so congrats to you. No need to brag.

Anonymous said...

2:36 - Google is your friend. Google PERS MISSISSIPPI and select retiree benefits. You'll find your answers there. It's written on a seventh grade reading level so it would not be suitable for this audience.

Anonymous said...

PERS employee here. I only have about 4 years in, but I'm 100% fine with tying COLA to CPI.

I'd wager if you sat down and explained the problem with straightforward numbers and comparisons to other states, the vast majority of folks in my position would be, too.

After all, it's still a really good deal.

Anonymous said...

State employees can’t opt out of PERS! It’s forced like social security for everyone else, except they pay into that as well. They have no control over the investment of their contributions, such as with a 401k. This is part of the employees employment contract. Given that I think the state is getting a great deal! Consider that state employees in Mississippi make less than any othe state in the union. It’s a contract that I doubt the legislature is willing to break. With the current law makers it is possible. I believe in small government, but the current leaders believe in anarchy!

Anonymous said...

KF @ 11:18 "...I see quite a few employees who work their asses off..."

"Quite a few?" Could you quantify that? Should be 100%

Doesn't matter that you've "...seen quite a few slugs working in the private sector as well." We don't pay their salaries.

Anonymous said...

Mississippians are the lowest paid in the U.S., REGARDLESS of whether they work for state government, or a private company, or a non-profit.

So quit bitching about "lowest paid". The taxes that pay for your shit come out of the pockets of the rest of the "lowest paid in the nation"... aka Mississippi tax payers.

Anonymous said...

Some non-pers commenters on here illustrate why it’s such a “joy” to be in public service in Mississippi (or anywhere else, for that matter). *begin whiney voice* “I pay your salary” “I pay for your retirement”. This “public support” coupled with 1)working for politicians who are more worried about reelection than doing what is right, 2)endless public interactions with citizens who are rude, while having to be polite and respectful lest the politicians look bad 3) being paid less than market value, with poor health insurance, and 4)walking a maze of public law, any one of which can put you squarely on the state auditors naughty list and destroy your integrity without a hint of due process. All because I love my state and I want to make it better. I think we have dang well earned a good retirement.

Public sector employees are held to a much higher standard...yet some members of the public want the cheapest government possible...and then complain when low paid employees aren’t outstanding employees. Do you want cheap government or good government...because the two are mutually exclusive. I’ve seen that firsthand for many years.

Anonymous said...

To the "I pay your salary" commenters:

Do you really think private sector employees are the only people who pay taxes to fund the public sector?

Really?

Madison Rulz said...

In response to Kingfish's comment about slugs in public/ private sector, a thoughtful doctor once made a persuasive argument that 75% of the workforce are slugs, in every profession. He was responding to me questioning why there were so many stupid doctors.

Anonymous said...

One of the many great things about this country is that you have the ability to MOVE, if you don't like your social or economic circumstances, MOVE; if you don't like the politics of where you live, MOVE; quit bitching and GET AFTER IT!

Anonymous said...

At 9:27 (who, himself, is just another chirper who has no knowledge of how any of this works). So, you pay my salary (if I'm a state, county, municipal or MHP worker). Well, so do I. I pay the same taxes you do. So, I'm taking my pay and paying part of it back in state taxes that pay my salary. Plus I'm performing the services that you expect and deserve.

So quit your silly bitching about 'you pay my salary', if I'm a PERS covered employee.

Anonymous said...

December 29, 2018 at 3:22 AM

You might want to ask someone to explain where taxes come from and where public employees "get" their paychecks.

For simple logic, what if everyone was a public employee. Who would pay taxes that gave the public employees paychecks so that said taxes could be removed.

Anonymous said...

To 6:26 - this is 2:03. It's true I was not a school teacher nor a cop, but I don't see how that is relevant to the discussion. Are the MHP and school plans different from the state employee plan? Note that PERS just administers the plans. I was a state employee with a BS degree and I retired earlier in 2018. My health insurance premium for the state BC/BS insurance is $432 per month, about the same as it was when the state was paying the premium. I don't know where you got $800 from. Go check your paperwork.

Anonymous said...

"State employees can’t opt out of PERS! "

Wrong. I taught at UMMC from 2000 to 2016 and did not participate in PERS. When I left I cashed out my retirement savings. Maybe all state employees don't have that option. It's much better from some employees to handle their own retirement than to let the state handle it, and to rely on the state.

Anonymous said...

3:16 - Only a select few have the option you claim to have had. But, if you did not participate, what did you 'cash out'?

95% or better state, municipal and county employees have no option as to participating or not.

Anonymous said...

The majority of state employees cannot opt out of PERS.

I'm pretty sure it's executive level administrators, coaches, and faculty at the IHL universities who can opt out of PERS.

Anonymous said...

If he opted out, what the hell did he cash out? Goober has no clue.

Anonymous said...

Actually, very few can opt out of PERS. 99% cannot.

https://www.orp.ms.gov/Pages/Home.aspx

Anonymous said...

University faculty can opt out. If they couldn't we wouldn't be able to recruit at all. I don't know a single faculty member hired in the last 7-8 years who has opted for PERS. I'm not saying there aren't any just that the opt out clause is huge when recruiting. Those that opt out also pay a penalty to PERS for doing so. They do have the option of several private plans which you can cash out when you leave. PERS isn't an incentive to most new employees period, because they don't believe it will be there. It is getting darn hard to recruit state employees in many sectors. Good health insurance and retirement used to be an incentive. Now the health insurance is "the best of the worst" as many of my physicians say and the retirement is far from a guarantee even when almost ten percent of your salary is taken off the top with no control. You may get someone for a year, or two who knows as soon as they gain a little experience they are headed private. They are doing exactly what many of the rest of us would do if we didn't already have many years in the system.

Anonymous said...

9:31 - If everybody were a public employee, we would not HAVE taxes. Think about it. (I know this will twist you up for awhile.)

And, for 8:28...Please identify some of these 'university faculty members' who 'go private after a year' and tell me what the hell they do in the private sector. If they could function in the private sector, they would not be faculty members in the first place.

Anonymous said...

1:47

Perhaps you understand now. You would not HAVE taxes because there would be no income to tax

Anonymous said...

1:47:
8:28 is most likely referring to the physicians on the med school faculty, who are state employees while they are at the med school. Many leave for private practice to double or triple their income.

It's clear 8:28 has experience in this area, whereas you don't have a clue.

Anonymous said...

3:35 For those who opt out of PERS there are alternative investment options.

Anonymous said...

@1:47 am you don't know much about university faculty if you don't realize that many of them serve as consultants for the private sector and/or conducting valuable research for them. It is exactly that attitude shared by far too many in this state that contribute to the brain drain. We educate many people in medicine, engineering, polymers (among other things) and employee them temporarily in academe and many of them will find private sector jobs.

Anonymous said...

This is 2:03 & 12:07. Just for clarification I just got my notice from PERS for 2019 and my state retiree health insurance has gone up to $445 per month. Still not $800.



Recent Comments

Search Jackson Jambalaya

Subscribe to JJ's Youtube channel

Archives

Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).


Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.


In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.


Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS
.