Dear local restaurants: Offer wi-fi to your diners. Seems to be fairly common practice when I travel out of town. Yes, I mean you Walkers, Ticos, Nagoya, Que Sera, Hal and Mals, and the rest of you. I realize you are in Mississippi but come on, it is 2011.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
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Trollfest '09
Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.
Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).
Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.
Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".
In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.
In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.
Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.
Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).
Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.
Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".
In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.
In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.
Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.
Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
Trollfest '07
Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.
There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.
If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.
If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!
This is definitely a Beaver production.
Note: Security provided by INS.
33 comments:
Gripe of the day: People relentlessly and boorishly finger-fucking their smart phone at restaurants. Or while driving. Or attempting to have a conversation with them. Or standing in line while grocery shopping. Or running. Or walking down the hall.
Or having other diners waiting to order because the wait-staff are waiting on someone to stop finger-fucking their smart phone and place their order.
But, thats just me.
I like the fact that I don't have to be surrounded by people glued to their PDA's, iPhones and laptops while I try to dine. Wi-fi is fine for McDonalds, but leave diners in good restaurants alone with their meals and their companions.
Hal and Mal's had an open wifi connection when I was over there on Thursday night.
Very Nice restaurant in Chicago (Fairmont) hands you an iPad when you arrive. It was ok, but kinda not.
Ewww. I completely disagree. I think you can take out an hour away from your computer to eat...so ridiculous. You want WIFI? Go to McDonalds or Starbucks with all the other laptop junkies...Why should restaurants offer YOU free internet service? Isn't there something YOU can purchase to use internet off your phone and connect to your laptop? Or, if you are traveling, use your laptop at your hotel. So stupid...No one is that important where they go to Walker's or Tico's and just HAVE to have their laptop...It is very annoying to other people there. So, go to Starbucks or go to these other RESTAURANTS and eat...which is what a restaurant is for...not to give people free access to update their facebook status
Yea. Wifi at a descent restaurant, that's stupid. Go have your lunchtime business meeting at a McDonalds.
Should be offered...up to the user to put his phone up at dinner...folks on here who think it should not be an option clearly dont work for a living
Like I said before...no one is that damn important where they cannot put their laptop away long enough to eat...Give me a break...Work at the hotel where they offer the service...or work from home...or go to Starbucks. But, quality restaurants should not offer the service...restaurants, ONCE AGAIN, are there to serve food and alcohol...not free internet service...so stupid
428. Clearly we don't work for a living if we disagree with you?
Like I said before, "...relentlessly and boorishly finger-fucking their smart phone..."
You are showing characteristics of the very type of self-absorbed, self-indulgent, self-centered sob I was referrring to.
How about just going through a drive-through and get take-out and the rest of us won't be bothering you while you work.
If you need to be connected that badly, get a smart phone.
If a smart phone can't do the job, it can wait until you leave the restaurant.
If it can't wait until you leave the restaurant, what are you doing at lunch anyway?
I can'r believe so many people are so incensed by what someone else chooses to do while they wait for their food. Is their some sort of second-hand WiFi scare rumor going around, equating it with cigarette smoke?
Seriously, if someone chooses to quietly do WHATEVER while they wait for their food, MYOB!
Que Sera has had wifi for years; if they don't right now, that means they just got rid of it recently.
@4:28
Or perhaps those of us who get frustrated at the distracted-by-technology diners taking half again as long to eat and "parking" at tables are the ones who DO work for a living and have actual jobs to get back to. Maybe we can't afford the luxury of waiting around for an empty table while you sit there checking sports scores or the weather in Madrid.
But it's important to know that you're facing 4th and 3 at the 30 and are going for it. Geez, what kind of barbarians are you people?
I have a better idea. Instead of WiFi, the restaurant should get a signal jammer and leave that sucker turned on full blast. I'm probably older than most of you, but I remember a time long ago when if you wanted to make a phone call during dinner you could go into these tiny rooms with a sliding accordion door and there was a telephone - you call them land lines now, those of you who have one - that you could use if you had a dime. Otherwise you ate your meal and talked to your dinner companions and enjoyed yourself. All this technology that was supposed to make our lives easier has just made us busier. Bill Billingsley
Those who use their cells phones and ipads at nice restaurants and at social gatherings label themselves as self-centered and inconsiderate.
They don't seem to realize that the world will not come to an end if they are out of pockets for 45 minutes.
And, there is NOTHING more rude that to have someone actually check their messages or worse, answer their cell phone when they are dining with you. That person might as well say, " Sorry, the person calling me is far more important to me and more worthy of my time than you are. Besides, your time doesn't matter to me."
If you are a doctor on call or have a terribly ill relative or small children, putting your cell on vibrate and checking texts or numbers is acceptable. But, otherwise, you are announcing your inflated notion of self-importance.
And before any of you chowderheads point it out to me, I admit that I'm probably one of the most frequent and highest volume users of the technology that I malign. So sue me...not you, Curt. BB
by the way, I have no problem with restaurants banning talking on cellphones. Jubans in BR does it. I'm talking about when you have business lunches or dinners its nice to be able to use a tablet or laptop is all. I'm not talking about extra noise.
Most business people have internet connections for their laptops if at a dinner or lunch meeting. No need for wi-fi at a nice restaurant.
They can use the mobile tethering option or USB modem.
I think we can delete all comments but Avery Wiseman's. Sums it up succinctly.
Wi-fried peeps sitting around at tables in the restaurants are not generating revenue for the restaurant. They're just squatters in the way.
Though it's tempting to join the GET OFF THE INTERNET FOR AN HOUR YOU FREAKS!!! bandwagon, the bottom line is that restaurants are supposed to be serving their customers, not charging for etiquette lessons.
If diners want wi-fi, then restaurants should provide it, as it poses little or no annoyance to other customers.
If you want wi-fi, go get your connection through your phone. If you are having a business meeting, it is not incumbent on the restaurant to provide it for you.
Of course it's not incumbent on the restaurant to provide a wifi connection. Actually, there's very little that they are obligated to do. They aren't required to have TV's in the bar so you can keep an eye on the score. They aren't required to get a beer or liquor license. They aren't required to serve fresh instead of frozen food. They aren't required to be polite when seating you or taking your order, and they aren't required to return to the table to bring you refills or remove your empty plates.
But they do all those things, because those are services that attract customers and make their business more profitable.
If you don't want to use the wifi connection, you are free to ignore it.
I'm pretty sure KF reads all of the comments before allowing them to be posted, so I can imagine his frustrations in running a 24 hour blog.
6:54
Clearly you do not work for a living or you are lying. Everyone I know (who is employed) uses a PDA to communicate. Im not wild about it but its life now.
Why dont you quit worrying about what your neighbor is doing at his table at a restaurant and try to concentrate on not being a dickhead. That should put you to work full time I would think
It reminds me of why I think all bookstores are going out of business, If you provide a bunch of seats for slackers with fucking Tampads to sit around and look sheepish, then you will have a store full of douchebags all sitting around, looking smug, and not spending money. I say fuck WIFI and make it about food and people.
I took a group of relatives to the overpriced AJs (on the lake - ya know) several months ago and was disgusted with one of them who continually FF'd her hand held device through the entire dinner. Not only was it rude, it was insensitive to the rest of us. I should have refused to pay that part of the check as she was not really 'with us' at the occasion.
It's boorish, self-serving, arrogant and rude. Maybe those who prefer it should order a to-go box and sit in their BMW in the restaurant parking lot while FFing their device.
Lord,Lord,Lord, How the world has changed. I remember my first real civilian job when I got out of the Army back in the 80's. Debt collector for a retail store... The kind of store where half the clients were always behind and you had to show up at their house with a receipt book on payday and either get their money or take their stuff. I carried the old school beeper (beep,beep,beep and a flashing red light) and a roll of quarters. Beep,beep,beep, find a payphone and call the office.
Anyway, flash forward to 2011 and as I look around my house with 3 adults in it, I see 3 smart phones,3 laptops,1 desktop system, 4 tvs with 400 channels, 1 landline phone, 1 VOIP phone, a Nook e-reader and a partridge in a pear tree.
I think I'll unplug this weekend and get a real book from the library and write a letter to my mother........ Nahhhh I'll send her a text and see if I can find something good to watch on these 400 tv channels. By the way, do they even sell stamps at the post office anymore ???
What is a nookie reader and where can I get one?
Several of you are referring to how rude it is when your dining companions are on cell phone talking, texting, etc. I couldn't agree more. I am NOT referring to that situation. It is necessary for some to hold business meetings in restaurants due to not having a local office. And maybe some, but not ALL companies provide the wifi connection (away from home) for your laptop. I frequently have to meet with coworkers and don't want to meet them in a hotel. I refuse to apologize because I don't want a nasty a$$ big mac or mcnuggets form McDonald's. You speak of people that take their time leaving when others are waiting for a table. Yeah right, like that doesn't happen with or without a computer? I am sure you have NEVER had to wait for a table when a table decides to get more coffee, dessert or "grape therapy". No need to reserve this bitching session just for lunch...
"What is a nookie reader and where can I get one?"
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! ;-)
Reminds me of that day in time when all they had were matchbox sized, plastic things hooked to their belt. They could shift their eyes around to see who was watching and then press one of the buttons and the thing would go BEEP BEEP BEEP. Then, as if startled, they'd look down to pretend someone important was leaving them a number to call back. Self absorbtion is nothing new.
Nookie reader!??! ha ha hahahahahahahaaa...you made my day! ;)
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