Wednesday, June 14, 2023

Robert St. John: It's a Tough Job but Somebody's Got to Chew It

 “No one trusts a skinny chef.” In my business— if you posess the body style I walk around with every day— that comment is often heard. I think most times it comes from a place of love. But when broken down to its raw meaning, it’s someone saying, “Dude, you’re fat.”

 I've heard that comment often over the years. Though, ultimately, I don’t consider myself a chef. Technically I worked as one in the early years of my restaurant career, and I logged a lot of hours behind the line cooking and developing recipes. But circumstances beyond my control took me out of the kitchen and I have mainly focused on food development and recipe creation since the mid 1990s, hence the ever expanding waistline. That’s my excuse, and I’m sticking to it. 

I opened my first restaurant back in the days I was purchasing pants with a 30-inch waist. I am typing this column in a pair of pants with a 38-inch tag that are pulling at the seams. No one forced me to overeat in the past 36 years. I willingly consumed all the food that led to that eight-inch plus increase on my own. In a way I'm a little proud of it. That's a big investment hanging over my belt. 

 

Here's how I look at it: 40 years ago, I gave up drinking. At the same time I gave up recreational drug use. A few years later I quit smoking. I don’t gamble. I got married and basically gave up sex. So, I’m going to eat whatever in the hell I want, whenever I want.  

 

My waistline is a yo-yo. I'm up and down. When working overseas, I typically lose weight. None of the guests who travel with me believe that. But I typically lose two to three pounds a week while hosting tours in Italy. I eat copious amounts of food over there, the difference is most of the food is healthier than the offerings that are available in the Deep South. Plus, I walk three to five miles a day. In the Mississippi summer heat, it's not easy to walk three to five miles a day unless it’s in the middle of the night. At least that is my juicy rationalization/justification.

 

I returned from this last European work session four weeks and 15 pounds ago. It's been puzzling how I could put on so much weight in such a quick period, and then it hit me. I am opening a bakery. Trust me, if you ever want to lose weight don't open a bakery. Especially if you're a guy like me who loves bread. Seriously, I absolutely love bread.

 

I often play a game with my friends in which I ask a question, “Which would you rather give up, potatoes or bread?” As much as I love potatoes, and I love potatoes— and consider French fries their own food group— the answer to that would be potatoes. I don’t ever want to live in a world without bread. Even if I’m one of those guys that has to get carried out of the house on a forklift and buried in a piano box, I don’t’ want to give up bread. I’m a glutton for gluten  

 

I am in the middle of recipe testing for a bakery that should open in three weeks. Martha Foose and Donald Bender have been hard at work. She is the pastry chef he is the baker. The opening of the bakery has been challenging as we have dealt with a lot of supply chain issues and city ordinances. But we have been pressing forward. 

 

I had been trying to get the married couple of Foose and Bender to open a bakery with me for six years. Over 18 months ago I finally succeeded. We started working in earnest on this bakery a year ago. I signed the lease last July. In the meantime, I thought it would be a good idea to have them stage at a couple of bakeries I admire. It's been 10 years since they owned a bakery. Martha has been writing cookbooks and winning awards and Donald has had a couple of jobs outside of the bakery business. I knew they were talented, but I thought they might need to freshen up on their skills. 




 Every time I brought up the fact that I could arrange for them to work at a bakery in New Orleans for a couple of weeks they very politely declined. I even sent Martha to Italy last year and took her to my favorite bakery in Tuscany to show her some of the items I hoped we would offer in our bakery. To be honest, I wanted her to see a few things that might refresh her memory since it had been a while since she operated a bakery. We stepped in the kitchen of Bagnoli Bakery in Barberino-Tavernelle one early morning to watch the Italians bake. The language barrier was tough, but Martha was able to point out to me exactly what they were doing, while they were doing it, and why they were doing it. I was impressed she knew so much, but was even more impressed an hour later as she was back there showing them things they could do.

 

Last week we finally got the ovens turned on in the bakery and Donald began baking breads. His first breads, on the very first day, were knock-it-out-of-the-park good, and as good as any breads in a New Orleans bakery they may have worked in temporarily. I asked him if he had been baking over the past 10 years and he humbly said, “No.” It's been a decade since that guy baked breads, but you would never know it. The breads that came out of our oven looked as if he'd been baking every day since the Reagan administration. They were perfect. They continue to be perfect.

 

That's what impresses me about Foose and Bender. They have the skill and they have the knowledge but they're not going to throw it out there in anyone’s face. They quietly, calmly, and knowingly waited until things were ready and let their talent do the talking.

 

That talent is going to be my waistline’s demise. We are currently at the stage where we are test baking products. In the coming days we will be recipe testing classic butter croissants, almond croissants, chocolate croissants, pecan sticky buns, plumped croissants (filled with Nutella, chocolate, or other fruit fillings), cinnamon rolls, orange sweet rolls, ham and cheese croissants, spinach, mushroom and cheese croissants, pain aux raisins, blueberry muffins, seasonal streusels, topped fruit muffins, orange bran muffins, chocolate banana muffins, quichettes (individual ham, mushroom, and Swiss quiches), dozens of cookie varieties, cheese straws, candied ginger scones, blueberry lemon scones, white loaves, sourdough loaves, whole wheat loaves, cinnamon-raisin loaves, ciabatta, French bread, several styles of bagels, several quiches, dozens of casseroles for the freezer case, several layer cakes, lots of pies, pretzels, egg pies, bake-at-home croissants, bake-at-home biscuits, bake-at-home rolls, several sandwiches and soups for lunch, and several beverages. And those are the daily offerings. We’ll be doing other items on a weekly basis.

 

Looks like I picked a bad month to lose weight.

 

If I ever were asked to pen an autobiography, the title would be easy. It’s one I’ve lived for the past 36+ years— “It's A Tough Job, but Somebody’s Got To Chew It.

 

Onward.


Donald Bender’s Ciabatta 


1 recipe      Poolish 
8 ¾ cups    Bread flour
1 TB           Yeast
3 TB           Kosher salt
3 ½ cups    Warm water
6 TB           Milk
½ cup                  Pure olive oil

Combine the first five ingredients in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a dough hook. Mix on low speed for 4 minutes. Add milk and oil and let rest for 10 minutes. Mix again on low speed for 4 minutes, then increase to high speed for another 4 minutes. 

Transfer to a lightly oiled bowl, cover with a damp towel and leave at room temperature for 2 hours. Punch down the dough, fold and re-oil the top. Cover and rest for another hour. The dough should be very wet and sticky

Preheat a pizza stone at 415. 

Transfer to a floured surface and cut the dough in half and shape each into loaves about 4” or 5” wide, working carefully so as not to release the air and gas accumulated in the dough. Turn upside down onto a floured pizza peel. Let rest for 20 minutes. Sprinkle the pizza stone lightly with semolina flour and carefully slide the 2 loaves onto the stone. Bake for 18-25 minutes and transfer immediately to wire racks. Allow to cool slightly before slicing.


Poolish

1 cup          Water
2 each                  ¼ oz. packages of yeast
1 ¾ cup      bread flour

Combine ingredients in a medium mixing bowl and mix with a spatula, scraping down the sides until it resembles pancake batter.

Refrigerate overnight in a covered 1 quart container. 

Allow to return to room temp before using the following day.




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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).


Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.


In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.


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Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS
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