Wednesday, March 19, 2008

DWF: "My Life As A Soap Opera Diva"

I recently ran across an old boyfriend I dated in college from one of those class connections websites. Last time I saw him some 20-something years ago, I yelled and cussed him out. It was about six months after we stopped going out after I was extremely mad at him for leaving me at home after several of us went out one night, and driving a friend home instead of staying with me. (Yes, very mature, huh?) I was so mad I didn't even listen to why he came up to talk to me on campus.

Anyway, he asked by email if I was still mad at him, and of course, I am not. He THEN tells me he was about to ask me to marry him! I said "What the he**? I never knew he even had feelings like that for me! So we exchange a few more emails with pictures of our respective children. I find out he married and been left with his children to raise alone. I was pretty surprised at that to say the least. I tell him I'm twice divorced and just don't think I am made for marriage. Then on Valentine's I get a dozen chocolate covered strawberries delivered to me.

So, this goes one for a couple of weeks, and we exchange phone numbers. He sends gourmet cookies to my house for me and my boys. He calls one day and asks if I'd ever give him another chance. My mouth falls open. I never expected anything like that. Two or so more weeks later, he starts talking how he wishes we could see each other. I put him off for a while. Then about two weeks after THAT, he says he loves me and probably always has. KABOOM.

I became completely whacked after that, and started putting him off when he mentioned seeing each other. He told me he smoked, so I mentioned how much I do not want anyone who does that. He also mentioned he drank a few beers most nights, and again I say I don't think it's right to drink all the time for no reason. So what does he do next? He pours out all the beer at his house, throws out the cigarettes and goes and gets Nicorette. Again, my mouth falls open when he calls to tell me all this. Then, I get flowers delivered to me on my birthday last week.

OK, I'm meeting him this weekend face-to-face and have no clue what will happen. He says this is all romantic and seems meant to be. There have been many times I have my hand on the phone to call him and the phone rings with him on the other end. Too many times I get a text from him while typing one to him. We finish each other's sentences on the phone. YES THIS IS FREAKISH.

I've gotten so nervous now I'm thinking of cancelling this weekend. What do I do? This is not "Days of Our Lives", but oh boy, I need help!

Help me out: dwfinms@gmail.com or post a comment.

See other posts by DWF:

DWF Asks
From DWF to women raising boys
DWF was a cougar before cougar was cool
DWF Introduces Wacko Woman
DWF Wants To Know...
What Women REALLY Think
Election Notes from DWF
Dear DWF
On a date? Please try to relate.
Sunday Morning Coffee w/a Cougar
Packing for a Safari
A Caged Cougar? HA!
If Stella Can Ger Her Groove Back...
DWF Asks

Posted by DWF at 1:37 PM
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11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Without the benefit of hindsight, had things gone differently and had he asked would you have married him 20 some odd years ago?

How many children does he have and what are their ages?

March 19, 2008 at 4:12 PM
DWF said...

Yes, I would have married him before our fallout. His children are grown, 24 and 21.

March 19, 2008 at 4:15 PM
Anonymous said...

What could it hurt? However people change. You cannot really tell if he has quit smoking and drinking since you have not been around him. He could be saying that to get you to go out with him.

It sounds to me, though like he is a bit anxious. Those kind make me nervous.

I'd go a bit slow, if I were you. REAL!!!! slow.

March 19, 2008 at 6:36 PM
Tom Head said...

I second the 6:36pm Anonymous on all counts. I'm no dating expert, but it sounds like he's chomping at the bit HARD and he hasn't even spent time with you lately.

This means, to be cold, that the person he's in love with might not actually be you--it might be the you he knew 20 years ago (through his time-filtered memories), or an idealized vision of you. Whatever idea he has of you is probably impacted by his loneliness and his post-divorce sense of failure. Likewise, you may find that you don't like the person he has become over the past 20 years, at which point his level of emotional investment could be a problem. Or you may find that he hasn't changed a bit over the past 20 years, but that you've outgrown him emotionally, and/or that you got it right last time you broke up with him. When I was 20 I had no idea what I wanted out of a long-term relationship; I knew this, so I didn't pursue one. Now that I know who I am, I'm kind of horrified by the thought of how badly things could have turned out if I'd jumped headlong into a relationship.

The fact that he has made major lifestyle decisions before your most recent first date freaks me out a little bit, frankly. I tend to clean up the office and cut down on snacks when my heart is pitter-pattering over somebody, but I don't tell her about it. Not right away. And what does he do if it doesn't work out? Go right back to drinking and smoking? He's making himself appear very, very vulnerable right now, and that doesn't augur well at this stage of the relationship.

My advice (brutally blunt but hey, you asked): Go out to have fun with him, but don't let yourself get guilted into showing more commitment or long-term interest than you actually feel. Choose a nice neutral location where you won't be forced to either hurt his feelings or spend more time with him than you really want to. Try not to hurt him, but don't let yourself be manipulated, either, if it starts looking like that's what he's trying to do.

March 20, 2008 at 5:02 AM
Tom Head said...

That said: A close family member reconnected and fell quickly in love with an old high school sweetheart she hadn't seen in decades, so these things certainly happen. If it does in your case, enjoy the ride. :o)

March 20, 2008 at 5:05 AM
DWF said...

Thanks Tom. Your comments are very close to what I was thinking!

March 20, 2008 at 5:50 AM
The Butterknife said...

DWF-I second Tom's assessment.

He sounds a little, um, desperate. Once again, this is meant as no slight to you, but people automatically giving up vices and professing love BEFORE a date sounds a little hinky.

Me and a girlfriend experienced this about two years ago...we were both single and found several guys we had dated in college started calling and all of a sudden wanted to "give it a go". We realized that they had just decided it was "time to settle down" and, I swear, were RANDOMLY calling old girlfriends to see which ones would bite.

This doesn't mean this is what happening to you now, it just gives me a bad feeling with all the hyper-attention he's giving you without the benefit of a good old fashion "sit down" date.

Good Luck and just have a good time with it!

March 20, 2008 at 8:41 AM
Kingfish said...

exactly. You think I'd give up jackassery before ever asking you out?

March 20, 2008 at 8:43 AM
Anonymous said...

What we all want to know DWF is did he meet, maybe exceed, your "performance criteria" 20 years ago? Say no more.

March 20, 2008 at 9:11 AM
DWF said...

Actually, YES, I have fond memories of THAT part of the relationship.

March 20, 2008 at 10:41 AM
Anonymous said...

Ok, I guess i'll somewhat 3rd Tom's assertion. Don't cancel the plans or he'll really be disappointed. Definitely go out with no expectations. He definitely is chomping at the bit but you both may be disappointed, who knows. But I think you should keep the plans and go and take it from there.

March 20, 2008 at 1:16 PM

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