Tuesday, January 22, 2008

DWF: Menopause, Men and Teenage Boys

Let’s take a break from the Mississippi Mafia for a short while. There’s something I want to talk about – NOW! Excuse me for screaming, but I am currently without any medication to calm my nerves.

In a cruel twist of fate, I now find myself entering menopause, raising 2 teenage boys as a single Mom, while also trying to deal with MEN and relationships. Can anyone explain how the heck I’m supposed to do all this at the same time? Yes, I know the answer lies somewhere between a bottle of good red and a bottle of Zoloft. I've purposely put off going the medication route, but recently I've been reconsidering it.

Here is a recent day in my life:

Get up at 4:00 am, wash 2 loads of laundry. Have to make sure my oldest has all his various clothing available for the day's sports. Today it's only basketball practice. WHEW. OOPS. Need clean towels, too. OK, 3 loads of laundry.

5:45 am. Get the boys out of bed and start the showers. Check personal email and respond accordingly.

6:15 am. Throw last load of towels in dryer. Find various lost belts, shoes, etc. for boys in bad moods.

6:45 am. Get bagels, cereal, yogurt out for breakfast. Listen to boys exchange words about their love for each other (Get outta my room! I need the computer! I need in the bathroom!).

7:00 am. Get in the shower myself and quickly out. (why do the boys use my color care conditioner?)

7:10 am. Run the boys out to wait for the bus AFER signing permission slips - get last minute notification of one's detention. Make sure both have money and house keys. Yell out the door I love you......embarass them in front of friends.

7:30 am. Bus has come. Dry hair and get dressed. Find something to take for lunch. Grab a bagel to eat on the way in. Fold last load of laundry. Take something out of the freezer for dinner.

8:00 am. Still trying to get out of the house.

8:30 am. Arrive at work. Bunch of sourpusses sitting around the office. They must all need to have sex, too.

10:00 am. Granola bar for energy. Re-fill water cup. Respond to yet another voice mail while EVERYONE ELSE is on break.

1:00 pm. Receive email from guy I met in California 2 years ago. Wants to meet up in NY and then if we still like each other, maybe go it Italy with him? GEESH. Am I crazy to even consider this?

12:30 pm. Forage in desk for food for lunch. Nothing. Run to Wendy's for baked potato and side salad. Why did they raise their .99 cent menu prices?

2:00 pm. Listen to jerks in the office yell and clap for each other. Someone must have put 2 intelligent sentences together.

2:15 pm. Avoid Wacko Woman making copies in copier room. She has that look of "just say something" on her face.

4:00 pm. LEAVE office and head home, put something in oven for dinner. Youngest son engrossed already in World of Warcraft for a couple of hours. Why the heck did I ever let him start that?

5:00 pm. Pick up one son at school after practice and convince him we don't need to stop at Wendy's for a snack before dinner.

5:45 pm. Get text message from former b/f (I think it was between marriage #1 and #2) that he is having open heart surgery. DAMN WE ARE OLD.

6:30 pm. - Get dinner out of the oven and heat up side dish in microwave. Tell boys to come get it. All food gone in 15 minutes.

7:00 pm. Clean up, pour a glass of wine, collapse on couch in front of ESPN with oldest son.

8:00 pm. - Son wakes me up and I take hot shower and collapse in bed.

OK, now I remember why I don't have sex anymore..............

Email me: dwfinms@gmail.com


Anonymous said...

I love it! It's so true for many of us.

Anonymous said...

Gosh this sounds SO familiar!

Anonymous said...

It's hilarious, but true for many of us sounds like.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.

Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS