Friday, November 15, 2019

The Fall of the Tribe of Hotty Toddy

And there arose to the north of Eden a tribe called the Hotty-Toddys, who were also called metros. And the Hotty-Toddys were very displeasing; they didst place centerpieces on their banquet tables, and didst exalt themselves much. And they didst glorify the southern kingdom of the past.




And for a brief time they didst enjoy success on the battlefield. But in the second year of the reign of John son of Joseph, a man named James, of the house of Meredith, of the nation of Cush, didst attempt to enter the seminary at Oxford. But the Hotty-Toddys despised and oppressed the Cush-ites, and refused him entry. But the Judges decreed that James must be allowed to enter. And the Hotty-Toddys rose up with great vengeance and furious anger, and didst burn their own city, and even slew two aliens in their midst. And the LORD saw that it was no good, and was much angered, and uttered a curse upon the Hotty-Toddys:

"THOU SHALT TASTE VICTORY ONCE MORE, THEN NEVER AGAIN SHALL THOU BE FIRST AMONG THY BRETHREN"

And after the following harvest, they didst enjoy their last great victory, then their warriors became lost in the wilderness. And a man named Elisha, who was also called Archie, didst attempt to lead them back to glory, but was wounded in the land of Eden and tasted not the fruits of victory. Then a great famine fell upon Oxford, until Eli son of Archie arrived upon a white horse. Eli led the Hotty-Toddys to many small victories, and girded his loins against an invasion by the warriors from Eden.

But Eli fell backwards*. And a great roar arose, and Johnny of the house of Vaught, the great king of the Hotty-Toddy past, didst ask "What be the meaning of this tumult?" For Johnny was a very old man, 93, and nearly blind. And the Hotty-Toddys cried in despair, "The invaders from Eden hath carried off the West championship! Our curse is still upon us, and the Heisman shall never come to the house of Manning."

And the LORD then caused a great delusion to fall upon the tribe of Hotty-Toddy, and they drove their general David from their midst, even though David had led them to victories for the first time in forty years. And they chose a recruiter of warriors from a western land, Bay Bay of the house of Yawyawyawyaw, because their delusion kept them from seeing he was a fool. And Bay Bay disdt tear his garments, and shout words none could understand. And the LORD loosed against the Hotty-Toddys bands of Cowboys, and Bulldogs, and even Commodores, who laid waste to Oxford. And the Hotty-Toddys continued to exalt Bay Bay, even as half his warriors disappeared from Oxford, and rued the days of Cutcliffe. And finally Les of Eden came to Oxford and destroyed it once and for all. 1 Samuel 4:3.

Then there arose a false prophet from the House of Nutt. Although he was cast out by swine, the faithful's hope was restored as he trampled the Tiger, vanquished the Raiders of Red, and slew the Cowboy in the House of Jerry. There was much feasting as milk and honey flowed from the rivers of the Delta to the lands of Elvis. However, more sorrow smote the tribe as the prophet's promises proved false when the curse struck him with a madness that left him speechless and confused. The prophet wandered at times on sidelines alone, quiet at times, babbling at others, while the faithful said oh no, we've been cursed yet again. However, Les of Eden was not without mercy as he was indeed a just man and knelt to end the game. 1 Samuel 4:4.

However, Les suffered the same fate as King Saul by showing mercy to the enemy. The Lord shewed his wrath and withdrew his favor from Les of Eden. Les and his Edenites came back to the land of the Hotty-Toddys, boastful of their strength. The Hotty-Toddy's drank the blood of many sacrifices to their false idols in their pagan temple called "The Grove" as they worked themselves into a frenzy. The Edenites fell into a trap as their exalted general Zachariah slept while the Hotty's caught them unawares. When Zachariah finally awoke, he slew many Hotty's but alas he fell in the end. The Hotty's made more sacrifices to their false idols as they feverishly danced naked after they vanquished Les of Eden.

However, the Hotty-Toddy's grew lazy as they lived off the fat of the land and drank much wine. They returned to the Valley of Death led by a young king named Beaux, III. He danced naked before the enemy, pointed three fingers at the heavens, ignored the counsel of his lord, and died in the Valley of Death. The Hotty-Toddy's were held to much scorn as their pride went down along with their downfall. 


Prediction: This game is usually close, regardless of who wins.  However, no one has stopped LSU's offense this year and there is little reason to think Ole Miss will be the first to do so.  However, LSU's scoring defense hasn't exactly been playing lights out either so the Rebels should score some points.  48-17. 
 

2001: Ole Miss win.
2002: LSU by 1.
2003: LSU by 3
2004: LSU by 3 despite a record-setting rushing performance by Broussard.
2005: LSU blowout because Ole Miss quits on Orgeron.
2006: LSU in OT
2007: LSU comes back in fourth quarter
2008: Ole Miss ass-kicking
2009: Les Miles can't tell time.
2010: LSU wins at the end of the game.
2011: The knee game.
2012: LSU needs 4th quarter comeback to win game.
2013: Ole Miss wins by 3.
2014: LSU upsets Ole Miss 10-7.
2015: Ole Miss won 38-17
2016: LSU won 38-21
2017: LSU won 40-24
2018: LSU won 45-18

20 comments:

5R5P said...

By far the gayest thing I have ever read. Go outside loser.

Anonymous said...

Really strange.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the Kingfish is day drinking again. Good time to get your snarkiest comments approved.

Anonymous said...

Your obsession with Ole Miss is a little creepy.

Anonymous said...

Joe Burrow Heisman Trophy winner, mic drop

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Ole Miss, is anyone going to visit the “ZEBRA” tent this weekend ?

Anonymous said...

Two teams meet in Starkville tomorrow. One has a winning streak going, one doesn't. How long has it been since one could say that?

Anonymous said...

The words you speak
Make them soft
And oh so sweet
Cause some day
Those words you many have to eat

As Chariots From Red Stick Plow Thru The Grove said...

I think it was funny as hell and thoroughly enjoyed it. Wish it had been twice as long.

The burning question remains, though: Which would the Hotties rather have back later today - Nutt, Orgeron, Freeze or Cutcliff?

"For it came to pass in the land of Toddy, that fire from the Heavens and thunder from Hell surely cracked, rumbled and flashed through the village east of the city of Batesville. And the waters parted, while Sharks were split asunder, Tigers were seen breeding from the rear with Bears in unholy fashion whilst unlubed Bears did cry out, receiving no relief. As King Boyce, son of Khayat and Hardy, son of Tardy sounded twin trumpets, the Heavens opened up and the tribe from the village of Red Stick received much favor and scored over-whelming victory. And the moat of Vaught, filled with oil and was consumed in wicked flame."

Polonius said...

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Anonymous said...

And leather is the sole of shoes. And Shakespeare's Polonius was the father of Ophelia. Therein lies the road's fork. Take it.

Anonymous said...

KF, I enjoy your blog and appreciate the journalistic service you provide. However, the OM bashing is completely unnecessary. You turn off a great many devoted followers because of this. I can understand if you were a sports journalist but trolling OM fans is just dumb business.

Anonymous said...

You turn off a great many devoted followers because of this.

How many? Give us a number. How do you know?

Anonymous said...

Attn 11:00 AM. Maybe after Ole Miss finishes changing the building names, taking down the confederate statues, cancelling agreements to hear conservative speakers, finding a PERMANENT mascot there will be nothing else to bash about.

Anonymous said...

This was the largest waste of time and misfired neurons that I believe I have ever read. Please rest before trying again. Everyone that has read this is now dumber, and may God have mercy on our souls!!

Anonymous said...

My money is on a bet that 10:55 read it again. Bless his heart and pass the mint julep tray.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Please keep the focus on Oxford, where it belongs!

Anonymous said...

I'm an Ole Miss fan (why I don't know) , but I think this is funniest thing I've every read.

I look forward to it every year around this time.

Kind of like looking forward to the old Charlie Brown holiday cartoons.

Anonymous said...

On multiple pages today I've read comments from the Bear Fans that they're really pissed. Not because they lost, but because nobody gives them a trophy for doing 'pretty well'. That says something. What, I'm not exactly sure.

Anonymous said...

3:17, they are called moral victories. Ole Miss claims a lot of them. They also claim LSU as their real rival, but I bet you see some rival like crowing when they beat my Bulldogs this weekend. The egg bowl isn’t important to them, except in years that’s all either team can brag about. This is one of those years.


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If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

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