Thursday, August 2, 2007

Dear DWF,

First of all, I am a male in my late 20's. After reading your recent posts, I want to get your opinion on a recent date I had with a 40-something woman. I guess you would call her a Cougar.

I asked her where she'd like to go to eat, and she said Amerigo's, which I appreciated since it is not so expensive. She arrived first, went to the bar, and ordered 2 glasses of wine, and was on the second glass when I arrived. She had already paid for the wine so we went to our table when called.

We ordered a small appetizer and split it, had our entrees, and she ordered a dessert, which I shared with her. We had a great time chatting about her children, my job and various topics.
I paid our check and we walked outside. Since we had both driven to the restaurant, I asked if I could follow her home or if she'd like to follow me? She said, "I really just want to go home if you don't mind". She gave me a hug and drove off!

What did I do wrong?

Dear 20-Something,

It is obvious you did not make a "connection" with this woman. Did you wear a pair of those hideous baggy britches (how could she check out your butt)? Did you shave or have that unkempt look (and can you pull that off or did you just look too lazy to shave)? Did you wear a t-shirt (with holes in it)? What cologne did you wear, one of those Axe sprays or something nice (ah, the smell of Polo)? Did you pick your nose or not put your napkin in your lap (or use your napkin to pick your nose)? Do you have a pet and did you have dog hair on you (which means you might smell like a dog, also)?

There are many reasons that could explain her leaving so abruptly, but the main point here is this: Just because you are young doesn't mean a Cougar will want you. I personally go for that slightly unkempt but "hot" look, but most of all, I go for that CHEMISTRY. If I look flushed, you know you've got me. WOO HOO. (Give me a 28-year old version of Brad Pitt any day).

20-Something, try asking a friend girl to help you dress for your next date, and see what happens. If you aren't mad at me by now, let me know how it goes. (Also, there are these things called "Listermint Strips" - try one after your next meal.)

Sincerely,

DWF
(Send me more - I love these!)

Posted by DWF at 1:19 PM

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You asked her where she wanted to go eat? Be a man and step up to the plate. You decide or give her a couple of choices. You're not in high school anymore, she's 40. She EXPECTS you to take charge.

Meeting her for first time and you ask to follow to her home or vice versa? good job. It screams of, I want to get in your pants tonight. Smoove. Very smoove.

August 3, 2007 at 9:01 AM
Anonymous said...

Is this real? This is great. Let's see some more Dear Abby types.

August 3, 2007 at 12:46 PM
Anonymous said...

Hilarious that the guy can't figure it out. You don't try to jump in her pants on the first date! (That is, unless she shows an interest). Ha ha.

August 5, 2007 at 5:28 PM
Anonymous said...

You should post again SOON and get back on the "front page".

August 7, 2007 at 8:13 PM

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Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).

Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.

In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

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Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS.