Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Make Newt RNC Chair

(Yes, I know he said he is not interested but I decided to write this anyway. Conservatives can always draft him when all else fails.)

There is no way to sugar-coat it: Republicans got their clocks cleaned in November. While crying is good for the soul, Republicans simply don't have time to engage in a national boo-hoo as Democrats plan their inaugural blitzkrieg. There are a multitude of reasons why Republicans lost : the economy, Iraq, Katrina, McCain's poorly-run campaign, and a Cassius Clay from Chicago who floated around Republicans with hope while he stung them with change.

Unfortunately, Republicans have shown little ability to learn from their mistakes, as country clubbing pork-barrel Custers lead them to defeat after defeat. The 2006 elections should have sent them a message, yet here they were again in 2008, losing with the same leadership, learning nothing while forgetting everything Reagan and Newt taught them. After 2006, no one was penalized, no one lost their jobs; these were Byzantine Emperors who thought the walls of Constantinople would forever hold the Turks at bay even as they fired their shiny new guns. The Greek Chorus of Republican hacks assure us Democrats will fumble the ball -the good ole rope a dope strategy will win, just be patient. The Chorus tells conservatives the American people will never support Obama's radical ideas, forgetting the times of FDR and LBJ when Democrats reshaped society as they saw fit while Republicans nearly ceased to exist.

What is needed now is steel. The steel of ideas. The steel to realize the political horizon for what it is, the steel to realize what must be done, and the steel to actually do it. Cannae was the worst defeat for the Romans as a young and hungry Hannibal slaughtered the best of Rome that day. The Romans didn't turn on each other. They banned mourning. No public discussion of Cannae was allowed. The Romans got tough, made hard decisions, got the right leaders, and eventually beat Hannibal on his own turf. Are the Republicans such Romans or instead are they the Jews before Titus- fighting each other while the legions storm the city?

If Republicans are to win, they must realize what is at stake: our country's soul. Will it be a country based on limited government, liberty, freedom, and the ideal that one can get ahead through hard work? There is a case to be made for a conservative message that is pro-growth, cuts taxes and spending, and keeps government out of the lives of Americans but that message has to be adapted to Americans who are frightened and searching for answers. As Russell Kirk pointed out, drastic change happens when times are unsettled and people are fearful. They seek reassurance from whoever offers them a positive vision and makes it seem he is fighting for them.

Democrats play for keeps and make no bones about it. The so-called experts say Obama will govern from the center (although the economy will probably limit his budget plans for quite some time). The Democrats will have to moderate their positions. Will they? Why should they? They WON! They won in their own way, on their terms, and are under no duty to govern from the middle. Some will say the Democrats will pay for making any radical changes at the polls. Such ostriches forget Democrats will instead seek to change the playing field so conservatives can't fight back effectively in future elections.

Here are five items one can expect from the Democrats:


1. The use of vague localism standards and the Fairness Doctrine to gain more control over the media.
2. The nationalization of the health care system. While Hillary failed in her attempt to take over 1/7 of the American economy, the Democrats are ready for a rematch and there are no Phil Gramms ready to say "this will pass over my dead body", as courage has been in short supply among Congressional Republicans all too often recently.
3. The temptation to place conditions on receiving bailout funds will prove too much for Democrats to resist, as they will leap at the chance to remake part of the American economy in the graven image of their collectivist ideals. Only a simpleton will think Democrats won't take advantage of the broad powers granted by Paulson's bailout bill. They will pressure recipient corporations to donate money to Democrats and threaten those that might contribute to Republicans to withhold bailout funds, thus forcing them into bankruptcy.
4. An aggressive use of the powers created by Bush to take further control over the educational system.
5. The appointment of radical judges who will share Obama's vision of the constitution as a document of "negative liberties".

The danger to Republicans is real: if they continue on their present course, they will wander in the wilderness for a generation or more as Democrats will use every trick they can think to beat Republicans while blaming them for every problem. People love freedom but also crave order. Limited government doesn't mean much when one watches New Orleans drowning on ABC. Cutting taxes for investors enrages Americans who are bailing out Citigroup while sending nearly half of their paychecks to the tax man. Twain wrote "Principles only have full force when one is well fed." The principles of liberty, freedom, and enjoying the vision that is America will mean little as American are more concerned with how well-fed they are.

Republicans can avoid such a fate by taking a first step right now: make Newt Gingrich the Chairman of the Republican Party. What Republicans need right now is a leader, a leader who commands respect, has the intellect to see the big picture, is a true conservative, and isn't afraid to take the fight to the enemy. One rarely gets in trouble when one hires the resume and there are no Republicans right now with a resume as strong as Newt's. There are talented and smart individuals at the state level. Katon Dawson of South Carolina is a fantastic fundraiser and a fighter. He gets it. Bobby Jindal is probably the most talented Republican leader today. Governor Palin is fiery and popular among conservatives. However only Newt has the whole package: experience, intelligence, steel, and clout as Republicans simply can not afford a Chairman who requires a two-year learning curve or one who seeks the position just to help his buddy run for President.

Newt understands what is at stake, probably better than any other leader in the Republican party. He knows what it takes to build a party as he built one while the Bob Michels were waving white flags. He stood against his party in 1991 when it betrayed conservative principles on the tax increase and did it again when Paulson pushed his socialist bailout. When the idea of Republicans winning the House was unthinkable, Newt made it his crusade. He stayed true to the course as he fought Democrats, the media, and even Republicans who saw conservatives as more of a threat then they did Democrats. Newt and his fellow young Turks went from being a joke to a minor irritation to a Tsunami that surprised everyone.

Newt gives Republicans the intellectual and moral courage they need to do revitalize the party as well as the conservative movement. Republicans fail to realize it is hard for them to call Obama a socialist when they have Marxist blood on their own hands as they stood behind Paulson's nationalizing of the banks ( soon to be other industries). Newt was one of the few Republicans who understood the bailout bill for what it was and how angry Americans were. What was Newt's advice to Bush? Tear up the bill and get some "Reagan Republicans around the table" and craft a new bill. Instead, Republicans ignored their past Champion only to get hit by Bush and McCain's not so-friendly fire. While Republicans mindlessly mouth the once-hypnotic phrase "following the ideas of Ronald Reagan", Newt actually discusses ideas, not just worn-out talking points.

Some will question the choice of Newt Gingrich as RNC Chairman, saying Republicans don't need a pit bull. While the RNC Chairman must be pragmatic, Newt understands in order for Republicans to be successful, they must negotiate from a position of strength and avoid becoming the Democrat-Lite Party. A Chairman Gingrich will whip state parties into shape, forcing them to contest Democrats even in Districts where they think they are safe. Some state parties have become a joke and need to be taken over by the national party as they are virtually useless and in some cases, a hindrance to the Republican party. While the Repub

Change inspires more change. Conservatives need to take back the Republican Party from country-clubbers who only want conservatives around when they need votes. Republicans need a warrior priest, not a REMF who prefers a spa to a battlefield. Aa Reagan said so famously, it is a time for choosing. The question is whether Newt and the rest of the Republicans will choose wisely.

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Trollfest '09

Trollfest '07 was such a success that Jackson Jambalaya will once again host Trollfest '09. Catch this great event which will leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Othor Cain and his band, The Black Power Structure headline the night while Sonjay Poontang returns for an encore performance. Former Frank Melton bodyguard Marcus Wright makes his premier appearance at Trollfest singing "I'm a Sweet Transvestite" from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Kamikaze will sing his new hit, “How I sold out to da Man.” Robbie Bell again performs: “Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Bells” and “Any friend of Ed Peters is a friend of mine”. After the show, Ms. Bell will autograph copies of her mug shot photos. In a salute to “Dancing with the Stars”, Ms. Bell and Hinds County District Attorney Robert Smith will dance the Wango Tango.

Wrestling returns, except this time it will be a Battle Royal with Othor Cain, Ben Allen, Kim Wade, Haley Fisackerly, Alan Lange, and “Big Cat” Donna Ladd all in the ring at the same time. The Battle Royal will be in a steel cage, no time limit, no referee, and the losers must leave town. Marshand Crisler will be the honorary referee (as it gives him a title without actually having to do anything).


Meet KIM Waaaaaade at the Entergy Tent. For five pesos, Kim will sell you a chance to win a deed to a crack house on Ridgeway Street stuffed in the Howard Industries pinata. Don't worry if the pinata is beaten to shreds, as Mr. Wade has Jose, Emmanuel, and Carlos, all illegal immigrants, available as replacements for the it. Upon leaving the Entergy tent, fig leaves will be available in case Entergy literally takes everything you have as part of its Trollfest ticket price adjustment charge.

Donna Ladd of The Jackson Free Press will give several classes on learning how to write. Smearing, writing without factchecking, and reporting only one side of a story will be covered. A donation to pay their taxes will be accepted and she will be signing copies of their former federal tax liens. Ms. Ladd will give a dramatic reading of her two award-winning essays (They received The Jackson Free Press "Best Of" awards.) "Why everything is always about me" and "Why I cover murders better than anyone else in Jackson".

In the spirit of helping those who are less fortunate, Trollfest '09 adopts a cause for which a portion of the proceeds and donations will be donated: Keeping Frank Melton in his home. The “Keep Frank Melton From Being Homeless” booth will sell chances for five dollars to pin the tail on the jackass. John Reeves has graciously volunteered to be the jackass for this honorable excursion into saving Frank's ass. What's an ass between two friends after all? If Mr. Reeves is unable to um, perform, Speaker Billy McCoy has also volunteered as when the word “jackass” was mentioned he immediately ran as fast as he could to sign up.


In order to help clean up the legal profession, Adam Kilgore of the Mississippi Bar will be giving away free, round-trip plane tickets to the North Pole where they keep their bar complaint forms (which are NOT available online). If you don't want to go to the North Pole, you can enjoy Brant Brantley's (of the Mississippi Commission on Judicial Performance) free guided tours of the quicksand field over by High Street where all complaints against judges disappear. If for some reason you are unable to control yourself, never fear; Judge Houston Patton will operate his jail where no lawyers are needed or allowed as you just sit there for minutes... hours.... months...years until he decides he is tired of you sitting in his jail. Do not think Judge Patton is a bad judge however as he plans to serve free Mad Dog 20/20 to all inmates.

Trollfest '09 is a pet-friendly event as well. Feel free to bring your dog with you and do not worry if your pet gets hungry, as employees of the Jackson Zoo will be on hand to provide some of their animals as food when it gets to be feeding time for your little loved one.

Relax at the Fox News Tent. Since there are only three blonde reporters in Jackson (being blonde is a requirement for working at Fox News), Megan and Kathryn from WAPT and Wendy from WLBT will be on loan to Fox. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both and a torn-up Obama yard sign will entitle you to free drinks served by Megan, Wendy, and Kathryn. Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required. Just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '09 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.


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Trollfest '07

Jackson Jambalaya is the home of Trollfest '07. Catch this great event which promises to leave NE Jackson & Fondren in flames. Sonjay Poontang and his band headline the night with a special steel cage, no time limit "loser must leave town" bout between Alan Lange and "Big Cat"Donna Ladd following afterwards. Kamikaze will perform his new song F*** Bush, he's still a _____. Did I mention there was no referee? Dr. Heddy Matthias and Lori Gregory will face off in the undercard dueling with dangling participles and other um, devices. Robbie Bell will perform Her two latest songs: My Best Friends are in the Media and Mama's, Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to be George Bell. Sid Salter of The Clarion-Ledger will host "Pin the Tail on the Trial Lawyer", sponsored by State Farm.

There will be a hugging booth where in exchange for your young son, Frank Melton will give you a loooong hug. Trollfest will have a dunking booth where Muhammed the terrorist will curse you to Allah as you try to hit a target that will drop him into a vat of pig grease. However, in the true spirit of Separate But Equal, Don Imus and someone from NE Jackson will also sit in the dunking booth for an equal amount of time. Tom Head will give a reading for two hours on why he can't figure out who the hell he is. Cliff Cargill will give lessons with his .80 caliber desert eagle, using Frank Melton photos as targets. Tackleberry will be on hand for an autograph session. KIM Waaaaaade will be passing out free titles and deeds to crackhouses formerly owned by The Wood Street Players.

If you get tired come relax at the Fox News Tent. To gain admittance to the VIP section, bring either your Republican Party ID card or a Rebel Flag. Bringing both will entitle you to free drinks.Get your tickets now. Since this is an event for trolls, no ID is required, just bring the hate. Bring the family, Trollfest '07 is for EVERYONE!!!

This is definitely a Beaver production.

Note: Security provided by INS
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