Tuesday, September 18, 2007

From DWF To Women Raising Boys

( Kingfish note: Read fifth comment. )

This is not my usual post. I’ve read and heard events connected to Heather Spencer and George Bell III. I recently watched an episode of Montel with out of control kids hitting and hurting their parents and siblings. One weekend recently, I watched a movie about a son hitting his Mom, who covered it up for a long time, and she almost waited too late to seek help. I also have a family member who is seriously bipolar. I have hormonal teenage boys that some days drive me past crazy into the deranged zone.

I would say this to mothers who love their sons; it is not love to make excuses for, hide the facts, or cover up violent tendencies towards you or anyone else by your son; it is not love to simply take your son from one school and place him in another because the original school asks you to get help for your son; it is not love to feel offended when neighbors ask you to keep your son away from their children because of his fighting.

It IS love to take your son to a pediatrician or other physician, get a physical, and take all referrals to counselors and psychiatrists seriously. It IS love to work with school officials on best solutions to keep your son where he is and suffer consequences, then face those he harmed in the first place and get past it. This may take more than one or two times, but it’s worth it. It IS love to have your son apologize to neighbors and friends for their behavior and ask their forgiveness, and ask for a chance to come over again AFTER 30 days or so of suffering the consequences of being grounded or implementing behavior modification therapies.

Medication is not always the answer, but counseling and tighter discipline is. It is never easy, believe me, but if you can get your son to get either the medical help or counseling he needs, you may one day see a smiling young man who enjoys his life again and respects the sanctity of life and living.

For those Mothers who have sons with deeper medical and psychological problems, it’s not your fault. The Mothers who will discover your family problems may stare at you and whisper, but many times they are staring at you wishing they knew what to say to comfort you and their whispers are giving thanks they are not in your shoes, but they also may be whispering prayers on your behalf.

When I see the faces of my own young men smiling, I thank the powers that be for letting them work through all their problems and getting to the other side as healthy, athletic, productive teenagers. It’s not all over yet, but tough love sometimes is the best love there is, and the rewards to follow in the coming years will be better than any one thing I can ever imagine.


Email me: dwfinms@gmail.com

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13 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are so right. I had problems with my son and was embarassed at first but then realized he needed help. It's not easy, but you have to do it.

Kingfish said...

You leave out the fact that those kids of yours had to worry about ME beating the heck out of them if they pulled anything.

hehehe. yes I'm kidding. I think.

Anonymous said...

I hope everyone with a son or daughter with problems can find the strength to get help for them before something serious happens.

Anonymous said...

Doing the best for your children is what every parent strives to do but enabling your children to be bullies is child abuse. They will grow up hating themselves and the world around them.

Anonymous said...

I have a first cousin, who is 52. He has been in and out of the criminal justice system since he was 10. He escaped the Department of Corrections in 1983. He was captured in New Mexico operating a clandestine lab out of the trunk of a stolen vehicle. That was 5 years later. He had to complete his time in NM, then come back to MS to face his escape charges as well as complete his time on the charges prior to escaping.

The many years he abused his parents over and over again was a horrible experience for me. He is an only child. I was the only one of the relatives, outside of his parents, who would visit him in prison. Which, by the way, is a humiliating experience for visitors.

He ended up in AL after completing all his sentences in MS. Our family thought this was the beginning of a new life. He met a wonderful lady. He treated her like a queen. They got married. Then his behavior changed. He began treating his wife just the same way he treated his parents. They were divorced soon after that.

He went through several significant others. They were treated the same way.

He was then locked up for the same behavior problems he had since 10 years old.

We all knew what his surface problem was. He is an addict. He had been in and out of rehab after rehab.

He was on probation from AL. His supervision was transferred to MS, so that he could live with his Mother.

Things went ok for around six months. My aunt thought things were ok to the point that she could go visit relatives out of state for a week or two. When she returned, she found cigarette burns galore on furniture and carpeting. While sitting there crying, there was a knock on the door. A man had come to see the house. Seems my cousin had put the house up for sale.

This was the beginning of the FINAL!!!! straw for me.

Not only had he distroyed the house, he stole some checks and forged worth several thousand dollars on my aunt.

When she confronted him, the abuse was worse than I had ever seen.

I convinced her to call the police and have him locked up. The only saving grace was that I spent hours upon hours counseling and encouraging her to follow through with charges on him and make them stick.

He is now locked up once again in AL.

I have no contact with him whatsoever. Neither does his Mother. I must say, giving her support provided her with more sanity than she has ever received. I just wish I had done that alot sooner.

In closing, I hope parents with children get as much psychological support as they can. On top of that, they need a really good support system. It takes alot of courage to defend one from abusive children, no matter what the age is.

Anonymous said...

Strange Irony, being this big, tough man that can beat a woman to death with a flashlight, but you lack the stones to shoot yourself? Can't wait to see Bell fry, (rather gas, as it were,) but it'll be 20 years before we see it. He could have saved us all a lot of time and energy.

DWF said...

To anonymous concerning your cousin: Way too often I've learned that addictions are often ways to self-medicate deep psychological problems, which sometimes CAN be helped with prescribed medication. It's so sad you and your aunt suffered so, but hopefully the support system you speak of will be in place for the future. If only one person can step in to offer assistance, that one person makes a huge difference.

One reason I wrote the post is many single Moms don't always have that support, even with good fathers who love their kids.

Anonymous said...

DWF
Thanks for writing. Support systems are hard to find nowdays. I pray for decernment. I listen to my gut feelings. I praise God for the fact that my cousin had a wonderful son. He practically reared himself. He now has a wonderful family with strong spiritual background. He is hard working and stays on track. I am so proud of him. It is amazing to even think about how well he is doing. He is strong enough to stay away from his father, who is always on a "pitty pot".

My cousin was arrested in Arkansas once and used my Daddy's name when booked. UGGG

Ever felt like you never wanted to see anyone again?

Anonymous said...

wow - thank you for reminding us all what is really important, not just our social status and who our kids socialize with.

Anonymous said...

As one who has been in therapy and working in the helping profession, earlier on in sessions I finally realized that the longer one stays within a relationship with a psychologically damaged person, the same thing happens to them. There again, it goes back to having a strong support group to assist in bringing things into perspective. Bottom line is to ensure one has a loving and caring support system. To that end one easily realizes those people are not guiding one down the wrong path. I hope this makes even further sense.

BTW The administrator of this website had a great deal helping through my last situation.

Anonymous said...

Awww - don't tell me he has a soft side? Kingfish? Say it isn't so!

JanMarKil said...

I'm afraid Kingfish does indeed have a soft side.

Anonymous said...

I do hope someone sees this that needs help, and will DO something. Hard to ignore now that all the domestic violence problems are in the news.


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